


A Rest of Swords

by Nayeliq1



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: After TBTWP, Braime Rights, Brienne gets the ending she deserves, Canon-Divergence in Season 8, Dany is on the Iron Throne, F/M, Fix-It, GoT universe, Jaime's character development is not completely destroyed, Marriage Proposal, POV Brienne of Tarth, POV Jaime Lannister, The Long Night, This is all about communicating their emotions, Too much sentimental conversation, Well NEEDED okay?, just because I wanted, life on tarth, like really, with plot in between
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:53:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 80,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22565047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nayeliq1/pseuds/Nayeliq1
Summary: It had been inevitable that Jaime and Brienne would spend the night together. He had known it for a long time, but what he hadn't expected were the consequences that came with it. When Jaime finally realizes its real meaning, he has to make a decision, a decision that could lead to hurting her and even killing him. And yet, he knows there is no other possible way to go...
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth, Tyrion Lannister/Sansa Stark
Comments: 35
Kudos: 116





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone!  
> This could be seen as a fix-it-fic for what happened in season 8. So, I've taken the dialogue or parts of it in the beginning from the series script (s8 e4), but the ending will be entirely different. I hope you enjoy what I've put together here! Comments are always very much appreciated!  
> And of course, I do not own the characters or anything else from GoT or A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin.

_Stupid game_ , Brienne thought angrily as she put another log of wood on the fireplace. _Stupid Lannisters. Who do they think they are?_  
Yes, she was mad, but actually not about Tyrion or Jaime, she was mad about herself, because this situation had made her feel as it had and that made her furious. But being angry with someone else was much easier, so she concentrated her rage towards them.  
 _He shouldn't have asked such a thing. What did he want to achieve?,_ she asked herself. _Perhaps exactly what he got... And Jaime. He just sat there. Why didn't he-_

A knock at the door disturbed her thoughts. She assumed it would be Podrick who had followed her after she had left so very discreetly. Ready to send him away with a lie about how fine she was, she opened the door and...

"You didn't drink", Jaime said and entered without invitation.

"I didn't drink?", she asked and closed the door, knowing that it wouldn't be of much success to ask him to leave.

"In the game. You didn't drink", he clarified without it being necessary. She knew exactly what he was talking about, she just didn't want to talk about it.

"I drank."

"In the game", he repeated as if that would explain anything.

"This is not a game", she replied evasively, watching him as he poured some of the wine he had brought with him into two goblets. "This is only drinking." Jaime ignored her comment and held one of the goblets out to her.

"Suit yourself", he said and Brienne took the wine from him and brought the cup to her lips, not even knowing why she did as he asked. She felt his gaze on her as she drank and when she put the cup down, their eyes met for only a second before he looked away, a bit too hurriedly for it to have been by chance.

"You keep it warm enough in here", he stated and freed himself from his coat.

"It's the first thing I learned when I came to the North. Keep the fire going. Every time you leave the room, put more wood on." It was a dull thing to say, she knew, but her head didn't seem to work properly with his coat lying on her bed.

"Well, that's very diligent. Very responsible", Jaime heard his own voice and scolded himself for mocking her in the next second. But that was their usual way of dealing with one another, and somehow, it made him even feel more at ease when she spat back at him.

"Oh, piss off!"

"You know the first thing I learned in the North?", he asked, winning confidence from the triviality of the conversation.  
"I hate the fucking North."

"It has grown on you", Brienne replied to his surprise.  
 _No_ , he thought, _you did._

"I don't want things growing on me", he told her, not willing to let her know the truth behind her words. But now that she had led the conversation in this direction, what could he lose by continuing?  
"What about Tormund Giantsbane?", he asked therefore, his name like a disgusting taste on his tongue, "Has he grown on you? He was very sad when you left.."

"You sound quite jealous", Brienne stated, sounding no less surprised and confused than he felt by her noticing.  
 _No drawing back now, then..._

"I do, don't I?", he said, alarmed by his realization how right she was. Brienne stared at him but didn't reply or react in any other way, and he wasn't sure if he was glad about it or not. He wasn't sure about anything at this moment, to be honest, not even what provoked him to do what he did next.  
"It's bloody hot in here", Jaime said again without having intended to and felt how the fingers of his remaining hand fumbled with the laces of his shirt. Clumsy as he was with only the left hand, he had to make use of his teeth as well, but with only little result. Brienne watched him for a while, her expression absolutely impossible for him to read, maybe because she wasn't sure about her feelings either.

"Oh, move aside!", she burst out suddenly, surprising them both when she hit his hand away and started undoing the knots herself. Like in a trance, Jaime lifted his hand to where her shirt was held together and carefully pulled one of the stings open.  
"What are you doing?", Brienne interrupted him, her voice a tangle of emotions.

"Taking your shirt off", he told her truthfully, seeing no sense in pretending otherwise at the present state of things. Jaime could only watch in awe when she, totally unexpectedly, put his hand aside again and finished what he had begun. Once her own laces were opened, she pulled his shirt out of his waistband and lifted it over his head. He helped obediently by raising his arms, not taking his eyes from her face for once, not even when her own garment dropped to the floor.

"I've never slept with a knight before", Jaime heard his own voice echoing strangely in his ears.

"I've never slept with anyone before."  
 _She has not..._  
He felt a wave of relief wash over him. He had known, deep within. But the expectation of something was nothing like its final certainty.

"Then you have to drink", he said, remembering what had made him doubt in the first place. "Those are the rules."

"I told you-" But before she had the chance to repeat whatever she had already told him, Jaime silenced her by pressing his lips against hers.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

He awoke as the dim lights of dawn made their way through the dirty curtains in front of the windows at Winterfell.  
Had it been a dream? No, it had not. He could feel her move beside him, her leg brushed against the scarred stump of his right hand and he shivered. He didn't dare to turn his head and look at her, but out of fear that she might disappear or that seeing her not disappear would make things more real, he didn't know. All he knew was that he was afraid and that was a very unfamiliar feeling to him.  
Jaime Lannister was many things, but he had never been a coward. In Westeros, you could even say that he was kind of everything. A highborn, the richest of all, unquestionably handsome, best swordsman, nearly invincible - or so he had been, once, before he met the woman now lying at his side.  
But he was also named the Kingslayer, Oathbreaker, and surely many other things he didn't even want to know. And...he was known for his relationship with his twin sister Cersei, his love for her...

Jaime stared at the ceiling and tried to organize the mess of thoughts running through his mind. He did love Cersei, didn't he? He had never been with anyone but her before, had never even thought about it, not until- until what? When had it been, the moment things had changed between him and Brienne?  
He remembered their first meeting. He, a prisoner of Robb Stark, who had been called the King in the North at this time. She, standing behind Lady Catelyn when she came against her son's wishes to exchange the Kingslayer against her daughters.  
 _Is that a woman?,_ he had asked. _Where did you find this beast_  
Who would have thought then that things would turn out the way they did? He surely hadn't. And he was certain that neither had she.  
Brienne, the Maid of Tarth...well, she couldn't be called that anymore now, could she? Brienne the Beauty, then.  
Jaime rolled on his side and watched her, still sleeping. A strand of her dirty blonde hair had fallen into her face and he resisted the urge of brushing it out of her forehead as not to disturb her. She looked so peaceful, just lying there, eyes closed, breathing calmly. He knew better than anyone that she was a warrior - strong, trained, exceedingly capable - and Jaime admired that, but he also liked this other side of her, the woman without the armour. Perhaps he had been the first one who actually got to see it. But why? Why him?

Before he could finish this thought, Brienne stirred and her eyes flew open. She blinked several times and her gaze glided through the room as if she was searching for something before they finally settled on his face. Jaime tried to figure out her expression as she looked up at him, but he had always found her difficult to read.

"Hey", he whispered softly, waiting for her reply.

"How long have you been awake?", she asked him.

"A while."

"You could have woken me."

"No need. I was quite fine watching you."

"Watching me sleep?", she asked, eyebrows raised disbelievingly. "So...you don't regret...anything?", she added hesitantly.

Jaime shook his head. He was surprised himself, perhaps he had even expected to feel something like regret, but there was nothing, nothing but happiness.

"Do you?" It hadn't been a real question for him at all, so her reaction shocked him even more.

He saw her eyes watering and watched as she sat up, pulled her knees up against her chest and wrapped her arms around them.

"I'm sorry...", she whispered, staring at the sheets in front of her. "But...I do."

"Brienne..." He reached for her arm, but she withdrew it before he had even touched her and moved a bit away.

"Would you go, please?", she asked, her voice stifled through the sheets she had buried half her face in.

"But, I-"

"Go!", she demanded again. "Get out!"

Jaime stumbled out of the bed, somehow made it into his clothes and out of the room, driven away by the tone in her voice. As soon as the door had closed behind him, Brienne burst into tears. It had been a long time since she had cried properly and it felt strange, especially as she had sworn herself never to cry over a man, but she couldn't help it - it was also kind of liberating. Other than the feeling of sickness she had in her stomach.  
She didn't regret the night with Jaime Lannister, not exactly. What she regretted was what came with it. Feelings, emotions, thoughts. She regretted that she had allowed herself to hope, to even believe that it could be true, that she was right to feel so safe in his arms - as if he was everything she needed to be happy and complete...and as if he needed her too.  
And that was the point: She knew that he didn't. It was no secret who owned his heart and as much as Brienne might want it to be different, there was no chance of him loving someone but his sister.  
And even if he would, why should it be her of all people? She had been a fool, had let her sense be blinded by her heart. She had so much wanted her feelings to be reciprocated that she had risked everything they had for one moment of happiness, a deceptive illusion of happiness...

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Jaime couldn't remember how he had come to be in the courtyard now, hadn't paid attention to where he was going at all. His thoughts were running wild.  
 _I knew it_ , it shot repeatedly through his head. _I knew it, I knew it, I knew it._ _She was drunk, she was lonely, she_ _was afraid, she didn't mean it._  
He had been so stupid. A bloody fool to think that someone as good and noble as her would willingly choose someone like him.  
 _I should have known... But if I had...even if I had been certain that she would regret it in the morning, would I have behaved_ _otherwise?,_ he asked himself. _Or would I have done it nonetheless? Just to experience this blissful feeling for once, even though it wouldn't last..._  
Because that was what it had been, pure happiness, perfect balance, a feeling of being complete he had not known until then. He had felt...appreciated, needed, loved. But as it seemed, that had been only a fallacy, a cruel imagination of what he longed for because he could never have it. And never had. Not from Cersei. Their relationship had been...different. He loved her, but he had known for a very long time that she didn't love him back, not the same way. But it was something else with Brienne, he had really thought, had hoped, that-

 _Stop it,_ he told himself. _She'll be better without you. And anyway, it won't do any good if you torture yourself_.  
He was startled from his own thoughts by this remark. That was it. Torture. To know that she didn't love him, and even worse, that she was probably going to hate him for the rest of their days...even thinking about it was nearly unbearable. Knowing the same about his sister had never caused him to feel like that. Knowing that she didn't love him back... _Wait_. Love him...back...? That was it. He wanted Brienne to love him back. That was why it had felt so right to be with her. Because he loved her. Truly loved her.

Jaime stood in the middle of the courtyard of Winterfell, the snow fell slowly around him and landed on his head, got caught in his hair and drenched his clothes, for he had forgotten to take his cloak with him when he left Brienne's room. But he didn't care, he didn't even notice, overcome by his realization he just stood there, panting heavily.  
He didn't know how long it had been before he finally moved. He had made a decision. He knew what he had to do.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Brienne sat on her bed. Her tears had dried up for a while, she had dressed and waited. And waited. And waited. But he didn't come back.  
 _Of course, he doesn't, you idiot_ , she scolded herself. _After how you spoke to him...and what you said...why should he?_  
She was sorry for treating him like this, he hadn't deserved it, her stupid dreams and wishes weren't his fault after all and as he had once told her, _we don't choose who we love_.  
Brienne stood up and made her way to his chamber. She wanted to apologize, but he didn't open when she nocked. The door wasn't locked and after a quick, careful glance inside, she discovered that he was nowhere to be seen. She wandered through the castle, looking for him, but when she finally spotted his figure in the courtyard, her heart stopped for a moment.  
There he was, handsome and perfect as always, but he was about to saddle his horse.

"What are you doing?", she asked confused when she approached him. Jaime didn't even look up from his working hand when he became aware of her presence and Brienne's heart sank.

"What does it look like?"

 _He's leaving,_ it shot through her head. _He's leaving because of me. Because of what I said._

"Jaime, you can't."  
It sounded stupid, even in her own ears, but she didn't know what else to say.

"Watch me." He mounted his horse, fearing that she would make him change his mind if he stayed too much longer.

"Jaime. Jaime wait!", Brienne stepped beside his horse, grabbed one of his legs to stop him from riding away.  
"You can't go. Please. I won't let you throw away everything you achieved because of...blame or...regret or whatever. I'm sorry if I hurt you, but-"

"That's not why I'm leaving", he interrupted her.  
 _She thinks she's the reason I'm going_ , he discovered with shock. Well, she was, actually, but not in the way she apparently thought. _She thinks I go because she regrets it..._

"Then what is it?" Her voice brought him back from his distressing thoughts.

"It's her!", Jaime burst out. "It's her, Brienne, it has always been her. My entire life, everything I did was for her." Brienne stared at him, dumbstruck, looking as if he had just hit her right across the face, and Jaime had to continue quickly before he lost the strength to do so.  
"I pushed a boy out of a tower window, crippled him for life, for Cersei", he explained. "I strangled my cousin with my own hands, just to get back to Cersei. I would have murdered every man, woman and child in Riverrun, for Cersei. I knew what she was a long time ago and I loved her nevertheless. She's hateful, she's cruel, and so am I." He paused, but knowing that she would contradict him if he stayed silent for too long, he only took a deep breath and continued before she had the chance. "And I have to go."

"No, no, please...please, Jamie." Only the tone in her voice was sufficient to make his heart ache. "Don't. Don't go. Stay here. Stay with us, with me. I've never begged for anything, but I'm begging you now: Please, stay." _If she only knew..._

"I truly wished I could. But I can't, Brienne, I'm sorry. But there may come a time when you will understand, I promise."  
He stared into the distance, for looking at her would have been too much.

"Please...", her voice was hardly more than a whimper and he almost couldn't stand it. He wanted to tell her, he wanted her to know what he was about to do and why. But he couldn't. He couldn't risk her following him, even if that meant he had to hurt her. All that mattered was that she would be safe.

"Tell me one last thing. Would you do that for me?", he asked, praying that she wouldn't hear the pain in his voice.  
"Tell me...why did you speak up for me in front of the Targaryen girl?"

"You know why."  
He did not. Or maybe he did. He didn't know anymore. But either way, if he was going to die while he did what had to be done, he just wanted to hear her say the words. Only this one time.

"I have to hear it from you."

"Alright, Jaime Lannister, I did it because I love you!" She nearly spat the words at him. "Are you satisfied now? You've heard me say it, now, is this finally going to make you stay?"

"No", he sighed, "it's the reason I have to leave." And before she could say or do anything else, he had turned his horse around and was galloping out of the gates of Winterfell, not even looking back once at the crying woman he left behind.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, let's start to go another way than what the series threw in our faces. I hope you like the path I decided to take instead. Feedback would be sooo kind...

It was a long ride ahead of Jaime. He thought about what he would have to do, asked himself more than once if he even could, but yes, it was necessary and he was sure that when the time came, he would find the strength he needed. The thought of her would give him the strength. Brienne. He wondered what she was doing right now. Was she still crying? Mourning over his leave? No, he couldn't imagine that. She was neither the type for self-pity nor was he sure that he meant enough to her to cause such a reaction. But she meant enough to him to let him make the hardest decision he ever had...

He felt with the stump of his hand for the sword that was fastened at his waist, Oathkeeper. It belonged to her, it always had and always would, but Jaime hadn't been able to suppress the urge to take it with him.  
 _But I'm going to return it to you, Brienne, I promise_ , he thought to himself. He would do everything to come back, that was the oath he had silently sworn to her. Whatever happened afterwards would be her decision...

He asked himself what would have become of him if he had never met Brienne of Tarth. If he hadn't saved her from being raped by Locke's man.  
 _I would still have my hand..._  
If he hadn't come back to save her again, hadn't jumped into the bear pit like a complete idiot with only one hand and no weapon at all. He smiled and shook his head at that memory. He still didn't know what had ridden him back then and he had to admit it: They had more or less saved each other that day.  
And all of that had been worth it. Yes, even the loss of his hand. He couldn't believe that was actually what he thought, but it was. There had been a time when he had been certain that he was nothing without that hand, that it was everything that made him who he was, but she had taught him that he could be more than his lost fighting skills, that he was more than his family name and his reputation.

 _My family..._ , he thought. Did anyone of the name Lannister even know what the word family meant? Tyrion. Yes, Tyrion loved him as he loved his little brother, he was certain of that, but their bond had always been special. But the rest?  
His father, the great Lord Tywin...maybe from afar you could have thought that his father had loved him, even more than any other of his children, but Jaime knew the truth. Tywin Lannister had not known what it meant to really love. What he saw in Jaime was an instrument to guarantee his legacy, but that was the only thing he had ever truly cared about.  
And Cersei...yes, Cersei. Cersei had loved. Once. She had loved her children, more than anything, he knew it and maybe she had loved him as well. But that had been a long time ago. The price for loving her children as much as she had was that she was unable to love at all since she had lost them. And now, there was nothing left in her than danger, hate, cruelty and her thirst for power. She would be willing to manipulate everyone, including him. She would stop at nothing. Lying. Punishment. Torture. Killing. When someone had lost everything that mattered to him, had lost his ability to love, had lost as much as she had, there was almost no humanity left in them. And his sister was at this point now, beyond his control and perhaps even beyond her own.  
With growing determination, Jaime pressed his legs in the side of his horse and drove it forward.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

"Jaime."

"Cersei."

Everything that had happened between sneaking into the capital and standing here in front of her had passed Jaime in a blur. He had no memory of how he had arrived in the Red Keep or of making his way past the guards.

"Where have you been?", she wanted to know. A legitimate question.

"Away."

"Where?"

"Does that matter?"  
She didn't reply, just looked at him, apparently thinking if she should insist on an answer. Apparently, she agreed with him that it didn't matter.

"You came back", she simply detected instead.

"I did." _To kill you..._  
The thought stabbed him painfully, but he knew he wouldn't change his mind.

He watched Cersei as she crossed the room with big steps, came to stand in front of him and lost no time before she pressed her lips against his. Jaime responded automatically, he couldn't help it, the feeling of it just too familiar to him. But that was the only reason, he discovered with relief. No reaction from his body, no passion, no love. She had become a simple habit and after experiencing something entirely different, it felt just...not right anymore.

Cersei seemed to notice that something was wrong with him as well, for she drew back, looked at him - surprised, shocked. He thought to have also caught a hint of disappointment, even sadness, but they were gone before he was even sure they had actually been there. Now it was only anger shining in her eyes.

"You slept with her, didn't you?", his sister spat at him without letting him time to answer. "You slept with that giant whore!"

"No", he stated calmly, "I slept with a woman."

"A woman." She laughed disbelievingly. "You call that beast a woman?"

"I'm not calling her anything. That's just who she is."

Cersei stared at him as if she couldn't recognize him, and perhaps she actually didn't.

"Are you out of your mind?", she snapped. "Has something blurred your vision?"

"It rather seems to me that I'm seeing clearer than I ever did before." Jaime was surprised that he stayed so calm, but somehow her anger made it easier for him to control himself.  
Cersei, on the other hand, couldn't believe what she heard. Had she actually lost him? Him, who she thought to be safer in her grip than everybody else? But if he wasn't back because he came back to her, how he had done so many times before...

"Why are you here, then?", she demanded to know. "What do you want?"

"I came to kill you", Jaime said, as composedly as he could, trying to suppress the hurt in his voice.  
His sister could only stare at him in disbelief, this conversation becoming more surreal with every minute.

"You can't be serious."

"I've never been more serious in my life."

"You can't", Cersei told him again, because it was the only thing that came to her mind at this moment. She couldn't understand what was happening. All this...it just couldn't be true. She was having a nightmare or something...and still, seeing him standing in front of her, this look of determination in his eyes, everything seemed so real that she couldn't help but begin to slightly panic.  
"You...you can't!", she repeated. "Even if you wanted to, you could never do it. You love me."

"Of course, I love you, you are my sister", Jaime told her truthfully and a spark of hope flickered in her eyes, only to be extinguished by his next words. "But I can and I will."

"Try then, Jaime Lannister, one-handed Kingslayer", Cersei tried sarcastically this time, her anger further inflamed. "Are you also going to become a Queenslayer now?" A mocking smile formed on her lips, underlining the pitying tone her voice had taken. "But you will fail. I'm not only your Queen, am I? Not even just your sister! You can't kill me, Jaime. It's me. I'm a part of you, as you are a part of me, we belong together, we always have, and I won't let some Sapphire-bitch who just came along steal you from me! We are one, Jaime. Remember who you are! Kill me and you will lose a part of yourself!"

"You're right. I will." Jaime needed all of his strength to force the next words out, but the thought of what he would gain by this loss pushed him further. "But my hand was also a part of me. I lost it, it hurt, it left a scar, but it healed. And so will the wound that your death will cause."  
And before either of them knew what happened, Jaime had stepped forward and Oathkeeper was buried deep in his sister's stomach. Cersei gasped and stared at him in surprise and shock.

"Jaime...", she breathed and broke down while her already red dress was dyed in an even darker shade. He caught her before she hit the ground, held her head in his lap and stroked her hair like he had done so many times before.

"I'm sorry", he whispered, and he meant it. He was sorry. For everything that had happened. He wished nothing more than that things had taken another direction, that he could have spared them this outcome of events, both of them, but he knew that there had been no other way, not with what his sister had become, not if he wanted the new life he had a chance to be given to be safe.

"We came into this world together...", she swallowed hard and her gaze was lost into the distance. "I always thought we would also leave it together..."

"So did I", Jaime admitted. _A long time ago..._  
He watched as a single tear rolled down the cheek of the woman he had once loved, he hadn't even known if she was still able to cry at all. He sat with her, stroked her hair and looked into her green eyes until their fire finally stopped burning forever.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

In the first days after he left, Brienne was downcast, to put it mildly. She wandered through the grounds of Winterfell like a shadow without purpose- she didn't care where her feet led her, she didn't want to talk to anyone, she didn't want to be talked to, she barely ate, she barely ever slept and if she did, she was tortured by nightmares.  
Lady Sansa and Podrick watched her for a while, agreeing that it was perhaps best to let her deal with her grief the way she wanted. After two weeks, when they almost couldn't stand it any longer to see her like this, her behaviour changed.

Brienne's depressions seemed to have left her - abandoning her with nothing but anger instead. She was filled by a sort of rage she had never felt before and the worst thing was that she was angry with herself. It was her fault that she had to endure this now, her feelings, her wishes, her hopes, her heart that had led to this whole mess, and above all - her foolishness that had allowed her heart to take control over her sense.  
She wanted to be angry with Jaime, tried to concentrate it towards him, but every time she imagined him, she saw him dead or back in his sister's arms and either way she simply couldn't be mad, everything she felt then was an all-consuming disappointment and sadness.  
So, after some time the rage gave way to exhaustion and tiredness, and as the days blurred into weeks and the weeks finally became a month, Brienne had learned to deal with this constant change of emotions.

It was like a circle: Depression was followed by anger she tried to give vent by training with her sword in the courtyard, but at some point there was no one left who was willing to be her partner due to the strength her anger inflamed, so she had to make do with the trees in the godswood. He had taken Oathkeeper with him and that gave her an additional stab of pain. That sword meant so much to her, it was linked with so many memories...but it was his, after all, so she couldn't blame him. An ordinary sword had to serve her for smashing innocent trees to bits then, but that would sooner or later lead to exhaustion, so she could at least find some sleep. But when she awoke to find nothing but emptiness beside her, it mostly caused the depression to take hold of her again.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

When Jaime passed the gates of Winterfell, there was no one to be seen in the yard. He suspected that it must be time for the evening meal, so everyone would be inside to share wine and what was left of Winterfell's provisions in times like these, times of winter and war. He unsaddled his horse, brought it into the stables where he bumped into a stable boy he had never seen before or at least he couldn't remember. The boy stared at him without saying a word, but if it was just surprise or even fear he saw in his eyes, Jaime couldn't tell. And he didn't care either, he was tired and exhausted, physically and mentally, and the only person he wanted to see at this moment wouldn't want to see him.  
He made his way to the door that would lead him to the part of the building where he would find his room, or maybe it was his former room, he could only hope that Lady Sansa hadn't allocated it otherwise.  
Jaime was already halfway through the door when he stopped because a sound had found its way to his ear. It was a familiar sound to him, the sound of steel on wood, the sound of a sword on wood, to be precise. It came from the godswood and the volume and strength that was clearly behind the attacks could only proceed from one person he knew. _Brienne_.  
Jaime hesitated. He had longed to see her more than anything, but he feared that he couldn't stand the pain and disappointment in her eyes he was probably about to find there.  
 _I left_ _for her_ , he reminded himself. _I did it for her, for_ us _...but nevertheless, I left her. What if she doesn't understand why I had to? What if she can't forgive me? What if-_  
His thoughts were interrupted when he saw her. How did he come to be in the godswood now? He couldn't remember to have given his feet the instruction to move, but they had done so by themselves as it seemed, lead by an invisible force that gravitated him towards her while he had been too lost in his worries to notice.  
And now there she was, tall and strong as always, her hair had fallen into her face while she pounded on one of the trees with a sword, almost senseless but still somehow graceful, and weirdly enough the hair in her eyes and the blush on her cheeks from coldness and exertion reminded Jaime of the morning he had woken up beside her, how beautiful she had looked to him at this moment. This scenery in front of him had nothing of the peacefulness of this morning, of course, but nevertheless, Jaime couldn't help but stand there and watch her.  
Suddenly, Brienne looked to her side and her gaze met his. He could see how her face slipped away from her, as did the sword in her hand - Brienne could rather hear than feel how her hand lost its grip on it and it fell to the ground beside her. The sound was muffled by leaves and moss, but in her ears, it cut through the air like...well, like a sword.

There was a painfully long moment when both of them could only stand and stare at each other. His hair and beard had grown and were dirty and unkempt from his long journey, but despite that, he was simply Jaime. Brienne could feel something stirring deep inside of her and she discovered with shock that it was the desire to run towards him, to throw herself into his embrace and to forget everything but the fact that he was really there. But she couldn't move, her feet seemed to be stuck to the ground and maybe that was best.  
 _How does he do that?_ , she asked herself. _What_ _is it that makes me so weak when it comes to anything that concerns him?_ _After everything that he's done, everything I went through because of him, why is my first reaction to forgive him everything right away just by seeing him?_  
She wished she could understand it or even better, she wished it was otherwise, that she could shout at him, throw something at him, react in any way that would show him how much he had hurt her, but she couldn't. And deep within she knew exactly why.  
 _Love..._ , whispered a little voice in her head. This seemed to awaken her from her trance. She stirred, and then she spoke.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be prepared for a little need for explanation, a bit angst and blaming perhaps, but of course, fluff! I am simply incapable to leave our two cuties unhappy...
> 
> So, I hope you have fun reading and as always, I'd be happy to hear what you think!

"You came back", Brienne said, almost expressionlessly. The exact same words Cersei had used, but now, here and from her, they woke an entirely different feeling in him.

"Of course, I did."

"You didn't say that you would."

"Because I wasn't sure if I could." She didn't know what he meant, but right now, she didn't care.

"But you did", she detected again.

"I did", Jaime confirmed no less shortly. This conversation sounded ridiculous to him. The last time they had seen each other, she had cried and begged him not to leave her and now that he was back, she merely said a word.  
 _She still doesn't know why_ , it shot through his head. How stupid. He had been so occupied with dealing with his feelings over his sister's death that he had forgotten about the fact that Brienne didn't even know yet.  
"Cersei's dead." _Short and sweet._

"What?" Brienne's expression was one of pure shock, surprise, disbelief.

"I killed her."  
He could watch how her face changed, how it became softer.

"Oh, Jaime..." She made a couple of steps in his direction, lifted her right hand as if to touch him, but apparently, she thought better of it, because she let it sink again before she had reached him.

"I had to, but-" Jaime broke off when he felt that his voice would probably fail him anyway. But he didn't have to explain anything - she knew.

"You loved her", she said. But there was no anger in her voice, no hurt, not even jealousy, only warmth and understanding, and that gave him the strength he needed to answer.

"Not in the same way I once did, but yes, I did love her", he confessed truthfully.

"I'm sorry, Jaime", Brienne said softly, "really, I'm so sorry..." If the tone of her voice had not already been enough to convince him of her sincerity, her sapphire blue eyes that he loved so much would certainly have. They radiated nothing but warmth, even now while he was mourning the sister she thought him to be still in love with. He couldn't help but compare them to Cersei's eyes, beautiful and green like wildfire, but no less dangerous - deadly and cold.  
 _I made the right choice..._

"Can I help you somehow?", Brienne asked carefully. "Please, just tell what to do and I'll do it."  
After all the time he knew her, Jaime was still surprised how selfless she was.

"Actually, there is something", he told her.

"What is it? Tell me, I'll do whatever you want." She meant it, he knew that she did, but he wanted to explain everything to her before. She deserved a decent explanation.

"I need your help", he therefore stated rather vaguely.

"My help? With what?"

"It's a bit...complicated. But it's something only you can help me with."  
 _We're getting closer_ , Jaime thought. But he had to begin things properly. He knew that he had hurt her when he left and he couldn't risk her rejecting him. He had no idea what to do if she did.

"Then, of course, whatever it is, consider it done", Brienne encouraged him again. "I know what she meant to you..." He saw how her eyebrows wrinkled in confusion.  
"Why did you do it?", she then asked carefully. "You said you had to, but-" She trailed off and that was his keyword.

"Cersei was...like a disease, a shadow hanging over everything I did, trying to darken my whole life and myself", Jaime began to explain. "She was cruel and hateful and out of loving her, I became cruel and hateful too. All these things that I did...I always thought that it was me, me who did them and only me who could and should be blamed. It was only since you that I discovered the truth. That I wasn't who I was because that was just who I am...no, I was like that because of her...and I experienced that I could be someone else without her - without her, but with you. You change me, Brienne, just like she was able to change me, but you...you change me for good." He paused a moment to study her expression, mostly surprise, maybe a bit of disbelief, but that had been foreseeable. So he went on to hopefully dispel her doubt. "And I want to be good, Brienne, I want to be good and just and loyal and honourable and all those things I always aimed to be but never could before I found their representation in you. Do you remember when I gave you this sword?" She needed a moment to follow after this sudden change of subject, but gathered quickly when he held Oathkeeper out to her. Brienne took it from him, held it carefully for a moment before she returned it into the sheath at her waist where both of them knew it belonged.

"Of course, I do", she told him. "It's one of my most precious memories..." She trailed off and Jaime couldn't help but smile at her words.

"And do you know why I gave it to you?", he probed.

"I should use it to find Lady Sansa", Brienne replied, confused where he wanted to lead with this.

"Yes", Jaime said, "but why? My sister had told me to find Sansa myself and to bring her the head of the Stark girl. Why didn't I obey like I usually did? And not only that I didn't go to kill her, why did I send you to keep her safe instead?"

"Because you had sworn an oath to Lady Catelyn."

"Lady Catelyn had been killed, why should I keep my word to a dead woman?" Brienne had no answer to this, so she waited silently for him to continue.  
"You were the reason", he simply said.

"Me?"

"Yes, you", Jaime confirmed. "I had never met anyone like you before", he explained and saw how Brienne prepared to reply, but he wouldn't let her, knowing what she thought. "No, no, I'm not talking about your height or the fact that you don't meet women in armour every day...I mean the way you behaved, how you talked, the decisions you made. I had never seen anyone comparable when it came to morals and loyalty. You fascinated me", he smiled", you still do."  
Brienne didn't know what to say, but fortunately, he continued without expecting any reply.  
"I felt as if someone had held a mirror in front of me, showing me the image of what I had once wanted to be. And at the same time, it made me painfully aware of what I had become instead, someone not even nearly who I actually wanted to be. The truth is...I mocked you all the time because I was jealous of you, Brienne, I demeaned you because I couldn't admit to myself that I secretly wanted to be like you. But this one time, when Cersei told me to kill Sansa for her, I knew what I had to do. Just once in my life, I wanted to be able to look in the mirror without being ashamed of the man I saw. And who would have been more suitable and reliable for this task than you? So, although I knew that there was no chance that I could become like you myself, I felt at least better with you doing some good because I could talk myself into thinking that it was on my behalf."

"It's not true that you have no chance to become like me", Brienne answered, for talking about him was much easier than referring to any of these inexplicable things he had said about her.

"I know", Jaime said to her surprise, "or at least I hope so. But yes, I think you're right, maybe I really can. And that's why I had to go, do you understand? I had to be free of her first. Even if I had been here with you, as long as she was there, somewhere on her throne in King's Landing, as long as she lived I could never have felt safe and you wouldn't have been safe either. And I couldn't let anything happen to you, I couldn't. But now that she's gone...I believe...Brienne, I...I hope that I can become someone who is worthy of your affection. And I hope that you will agree to help me because I don't think that I'll be able to do it without you. But, most importantly..." He sighed, closed his eyes as if he had to gather some strength to continue, opened them again and finished, "you simply have to agree to make me someone you deserve...because, my wonderful, extraordinary Brienne, I really don't think that I can live without you."

Brienne stared at him, unable to form a single reasonable thought apart from wanting to touch him, to hug him and to tell him that everything was going to be fine. But she detained herself. She didn't know why exactly, she knew that he certainly wouldn't mind, maybe it was just the fact that he had always been the one to make the first step when it came to any sort of contact and somehow she still felt strange to do so herself. Or perhaps she feared that this was all a dream, that he would disappear when she tried to reach for him, that he and the words she had longed to hear for such a long time would dissolve like smoke in cold air, leaving her with nothing but her disappointed dreams and hopes.  
But somehow, as surreal and unlikely as this all seemed to her, she knew that it was true, it couldn't be otherwise, so she finally decided to take a careful step forward. What she actually wanted was to kiss him, to experience the feeling of being in his arms again, and only this little gesture of stepping towards him was an effort of will for her.  
She knew it should have been easy, as they had already shared much more than a simple touch or even kiss, but now it was different. Brienne knew that these usually ordinary things wouldn't be the same, because what had been spoken and heard would give them a different meaning- and this made her burst with happiness and tremble with fear at the same time. What would this change mean to him, what would it mean to her, and, most importantly - What would it mean to them? She didn't know, but she felt a sort of nervous anticipation to find out.

"Jaime...", she finally whispered and he heard the hesitation and restraint in her voice, sensed what she was holding herself back from doing.  
"Jaime can I-...I mean...could-" He silenced her by putting a finger against her lips. Brienne looked as if this gesture puzzled her even more and he slightly shook his head with a smile.

"Don't you understand?", he said, still smiling, "Brienne, I'm yours." He saw her eyes widening at this declaration and looking at them, deep and sapphire blue like the water her isle was named after, encouraged him further. "Whatever you want, whatever you may need - if I can offer it, it's yours to take. You never need to ask", he told her truthfully, "My life belongs to you now, and so does my heart. I'm yours, completely", he reaffirmed, "and I hope that maybe someday I'll be lucky enough to call you mine as well."

"I already am", Brienne said without hesitation, for she knew that nothing had ever been more true or certain. "Of course, I am."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

The most radiant smile she had ever seen on him greeted her at this declaration.  
"I guess that means I can count on you in that matter, then?", he asked even though he already knew the answer.

"Of course", Brienne confirmed, smiling warmly in return before he saw her face becoming more serious again. "Although I don't agree with you that you need me to change. What you just did shows better than anything that you already have", she added.

"And what do you think made me realize that I had to? What made me decide that I would?", he wanted to know. She looked at him with those innocent eyes again, totally unsuspecting that it had been her again - because it was always her.

"The night", Jaime told her when she didn't answer. " **Our** night, I mean, or better...the morning afterwards. Just after you had thrown me out", he added sadly, but with a hint of amusement. He had only wanted to tease her a little, but regretted immediately that he had mentioned it at all when he saw the look on her face.

"Jaime..."

"No, it's alright", Jaime said quickly before she had to make up some sort of excuse. She didn't owe him any explanation. She had been absolutely right that morning, he had deserved it and he didn't want her to blame herself for anything when he was the one who had wronged her.  
"I understand and it's fine. Really...you-" Now it was Brienne's turn to interrupt him.

"You **don't** understand", she contradicted him insistently and he could watch how her expression turned into something softer, but also more distressed.  
"I'm sorry...what I said back then...it was-... **I** was-...I didn't mean it." It was hard for Jaime to see her like this. She had done nothing wrong, he knew that and still, she seemed to think that she had.

"Bri, you don't have to do that", he repeated as softly as possible and Brienne stirred slightly at the sound of this unfamiliar name, but she silenced him a second time before he could finish. "I said it's al-"

"But it's **not** alright, Jaime, it's not. Listen, I don't regret that night. Honestly, I don't regret anything now and neither did I that morning, I was just-...", she sighed, lifted her hands and let them sink again in her desperate attempt to find the right words that would make him understand. "I was angry with myself and-"

"Wait", Jaime silenced her with a wave of his hand - this conversation seemed to be mostly one of them interrupting the other in mid-sentence, but he was just too shocked by her words.  
"What? Angry? With yourself?", he asked her completely uncomprehendingly, "W-..Why would you be angry with **yourself**? If anything you should have been angry with me!" The desperation in her face faded away and was replaced by a sort of sad exhaustion and the seconds of silence that followed pounded louder in his ears than if she had yelled at him.

"Because we don't choose who we love", she whispered finally.

Jaime was even more startled by her using his own words.  
"What do you mean?", was all he could manage in return.

"I knew...I thought...that you were still in love with your sister", Brienne admitted, smiling at him sadly, "I knew it all the time, even before we-...", she broke off, but they both knew exactly what she was talking about.  
"But I didn't care!" She laughed in disbelief about her words, as if she was still astounded about her own behaviour.  
"All the way through this evening, drinking and laughing with you and your brother...I was so happy, Jaime...And I knew I had no right to be that happy-" She noticed how he stiffened at that remark but continued before he had the chance to interrupt her, "-but only for **once** in my life I didn't want to listen to this sensible little voice in my head that told me that this was never going to last, that you didn't smile at me because you liked me, that I still had no chance, that I was still the same ugly abnormality I had always been...I just wanted to be happy, just for once..." She gave him another of those sad little smiles that made his heart ache and Jaime felt tears stinging in his eyes as she went on.  
"So, when you came into my chambers...I almost couldn't believe it...What you said, what you did...I still knew it couldn't be because you loved me, but at that moment, I just didn't care because... **you** **made me happy**. So I silenced that voice in my head. But I couldn't keep it from coming back in the morning..." Her voice broke and Jaime lifted his hand to touch her, but he was unable to bring the movement to an end, so it remained motionless in the air between them.

"Brienne, you-" He swallowed hard to steady himself. "You have **every** right to be happy. More than every other person in all of the fucking Seven Kingdoms. You. Deserve. Happiness", he said as firmly as his voice allowed him, but then he sighed. "And I wish I could have given it to you sooner...And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...You were right. About me. On that evening, I wasn't-, I mean I didn't-" He broke off, closed his eyes for a moment because he hoped that it would help to hold back the tears that began to form again, but it didn't, so he had no other choice than to continue while they began to run down his cheeks.  
"I didn't know that I loved you. Or at least I wasn't sure of it", he admitted. "There was definitely a certain...attraction, but-...I had never really thought about-...It never **occurred** to me that it could be love. That sounds awful now, I know and I'm truly sorry-"

"Sshhhh", Brienne tried to soothe him, reaching for his hand herself now as she couldn't bear to hear the distress and pain in his voice, to see the tears in his eyes, but he wasn't done yet.

"But you deserve to know the truth...", he continued perseveringly although his voice trembled.  
"You see, I have never known any other feeling than the one I got from being with Cersei. I always thought that I was only half a person without her, that she completed me...that loving her made me whole. But that's not true. It isn't now and it never was...I was just.. **born** into loving her and never got to experience anything else. Not before you came. And what she gave me was no love, only dependance. And I'm sorry that I had to take advantage of you to finally understand that." She was confused by this remark, didn't know what he could mean until his next words made it clear.  
"I can't regret the night we had", he continued truthfully, "because what I experienced then opened my eyes to the real meaning of love, the feeling of being **truly** complete...but nevertheless, Brienne, I'm ashamed that I did it. That I did it whilst still thinking I loved Cersei...there's no excuse for that...I've used you, **abused** you and- " But she couldn't stand it any longer.

"Don't", she silenced him once more, "Don't say that. I told you - I knew it aswell. I knew that I loved you **and** I knew that you loved her, but I also knew what I did." The smile he received wasn't only sad anymore, now there was also something else in it - understanding, warmth, love.  
"Nothing happened without my consent", she reaffirmed and he was astounded when he thought to notice a little amused twitch around her mouth.  
"And it wasn't that I needed...sex. I didn't. I think I've gone long enough without it to prove **that**." Both couldn't help but chuckle slightly at this before she became serious again.  
"But- it's not that I have never thought about it. When I was younger, you know...more...unaware of my appearance..." The sad smile was back and Jaime opened his mouth but she just put a finger against his lips, shook her head slightly and continued. "I thought about it many times before I finally put up with the fact that it was never going to happen, but before that...I didn't have a clear image of when it would be, or where, under which circumstances, if I would be married to him or what he would look like...those things are important to most other women, I guess, and maybe I'm strange that they weren't to me but-...the only thing I really ever cared about was that I wanted my first time to be with the man I love. Is that stupid?" It was a real question and it made Jaime once more aware of this pure innocence that was reserved for her alone.

"No...no of course not", he breathed, soft but still convincing, as he hoped. "It's quite wonderful actually..." And without thinking he finally lifted his hand to her face, his thumb brushing over her cheek and was glad when she didn't draw back, on the contrary - she put her own hand over his, entwining their fingers and pulled them to her mouth to place a cautious kiss on his palm. The reverent look on his face when her gaze met his again put a warm smile on her lips, and it didn't vanish when she spoke her next words.

"I think it's even more wonderful that my choice was just right."

Jaime looked at her with watery eyes, she could still see the stains his tears had left on his cheeks and she already thought he was going to contradict her again, but then suddenly, a smile spread across his face as well. Relieved, Brienne discovered that it wasn't even a sad smile like both of them had shared so many during the last minutes - it was simply a smile, an honest smile, telling her that he had understood what she had tried to say.

"And I'm truly honoured that I was so fortunate as to be this man for you."

Finally released from all tension, Brienne closed her eyes, breathed out and put her forehead against his.  
"You were", she whispered. "Still are. And after all...you may not have been aware of it then, but you loved me too."

"I did", he confirmed and it soothed her to feel his warm breath on her skin as he spoke. "And if you had never thrown me out of your chamber that morning, who knows if I had ever discovered it? Ironic, isn't it?" She drew back in surprise, but couldn't help a snort of laughter escaping her.

"You realized it because I threw you out?"

"Yes", Jaime grinned as well. "I had never known such torture as the pain I felt at the knowledge that you didn't love me. I even thought you would hate me for the rest of our lives and believe me, no one who ever caught a glimpse of you fighting wants you to be his enemy." She threw a reproachful glance at him, but her eyes sparkled in amusement, knowing that he was only joking. "But seriously", he continued, "thinking that you would despise me like everybody else, the very idea of it was nearly unbearable..."

"You'll never have to think that again...", Brienne whispered lovingly, putting their foreheads together once more, missing his comforting touch.  
"And Jaime- ", she added, her tone demanding his attention and letting no room for doubts, "I could never hate you, let alone...despise you...never."

"Thank you", he whispered.

"What for?"

"Only for loving me." She felt a bit miserable at her inability to suppress a laugh after such a confession from his side, but she couldn't help it. Jaime looked indeed a bit...well, let's call it indignant, but his smile returned given her reply.

"It wasn't particularly hard for you to achieve that though, was it?"

"No...seems it wasn't..." He grinned too now, but his eyes were somewhat questioningly. "Although I have no idea how I managed that, but it may be wisest not to question it, or I'll run the risk of you realizing that it has all been a mistake." She knew he was only joking, yet she didn't like the idea of him talking like that, not even in jest.

"That doesn't seem very likely to me." They just stood like that for a while, simply enjoying the warmth and presence of the other, until Jaime broke the silence again.

"Would you do me another favour?", he whispered and although Brienne's eyes were closed, she could hear the smile in his voice.

"Of course."

"Would you kiss me?"

Her smile widened at that request and for the first time in her life, it was really her who took the lead when their lips found each other.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'm not sure why I'm going in this direction. I'm absolutely not familiar with this kinda stuff but I liked the idea and wanted to try it out. Ok I just realized you have no idea what I'm talking about but you will when you read it.
> 
> I hope it won't appear strange to you that Brienne is this nervous and self-conscious regarding what they've already shared, but it just felt right to me to write it like this, I hope you'll agree with me when you read my description of their thoughts and it won't bother anyone - if it does, I'm sorry.
> 
> Anyway, this one's quite long, but I wanted to wrap the whole scene up in one chapter so here we are. Thanks for reading!

When they finally broke apart, both were a little breathless.  
"Will you do something for me in return now?", Brienne asked.

"Everything."

"Take a bath", she said in a demanding tone that was clearly pretended. "You look terrible." But she couldn't suppress the grin spreading across her face and he laughed as well.

"As Mylady commands", Jaime said obediently and even performed a mocking little bow. She slapped him playfully in return.

"Ouch", Jaime said, rubbing his left arm for show.

"I'm **not** a Lady, Ser Jaime." It was obvious that she wasn't actually crossed with him, but this phrase he had already heard so often made something in Jaime stir uncomfortably.  
_Why is she always so concerned about others referring to her as a Lady?_ , he asked himself. _She is, after all, even if that's not what she sees in herself...but does that mean no one is allowed to?_ He knew that she had this side somewhere inside of her and he liked it. She was a Lady to him, but that was not the place or time for discussions.  
_Later, perhaps...with the right opportunity..._

"Whatever you say...", he simply replied now, but the smile he gave her was clearly saying that he certainly didn't agree.

Brienne turned around to pick up the sword she had dropped in the first shock of seeing him. She bowed down, grabbed it and wanted to return it in the sheath at her waist, but when she looked down, she remembered that it was already occupied by Oathkeeper. The familiar look of the sword at her side made her smile, she drove her thumb over the golden knob, but was distracted by Jaime calling her name - well, somewhat her name.

"Bri." She had never liked nicknames, they were meant for little girls and decent highborn Ladies, played you down to something small, soft and needy, and the Gods knew she hated nothing more than to appear weak - but somehow, from his mouth, it didn't sound like that at all.

"Hmm?" She looked up from the sword and at the man who had given it to her.

"You must be exhausted and sweaty from your...training...with the trees, as well", Jaime stated and nodded towards what was left from the one she had been working on when he arrived. Brienne blushed a little. She didn't even want to imagine what she must have looked like when he entered the godswood.  
_What am I going to tell him if he asks why I was doing that?_ , she wondered. Could she just admit how his leave had left her nearly broken? No, that thought horrified her. Letting him know how weak she was when it came to him? Definitely nothing she would normally admit, but it was Jaime...her Jaime...if she couldn't be honest with him, with who else could she possibly be? _Maybe he isn't going to ask anyway_. She pushed the thought aside. What had he been saying again? Ah yes, exhausted from training.

"And?", she asked, eyebrows raised in confusion. She had no idea what he wanted to say by that.

"Well, I just thought...perhaps you would care for a bath, too?", he said as innocently as possible, but the sparkle in his eyes gave him away. The coin dropped and Brienne's eyes widened.

"You mean...together?", she asked, obviously startled.

"Why not?", Jaime replied, sounding quite light-hearted, but Brienne only stared at him.  
"Oh, don't look so shocked", he continued, "it's not as if we hadn't seen all of that already." He had a point, no question, but the suggestion had just been so sudden and unexpected...  
"It wouldn't even be the first time for us to be in a bath together", he finished and that seemed to wake her from whatever she had been caught in - a state of shock, maybe? She didn't even know herself.

"You're right", Brienne heard herself say without really having intended to. "Yes, I suppose..."

"Wonderful!" Jaime said and waved her with his remaining hand towards him while he already turned around in direction of the buildings, Brienne followed him slightly hesitantly.  
"Come on then, I can't wait to get out of these clothes!" Brienne's feet stopped abruptly. She wasn't even sure if he had meant it like that, but either way, Brienne felt a shiver running down her spine at those words - she just wasn't quite sure if it was of the comfortable or uncomfortable sort...

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Brienne usually loved bathing. The warmth after a long day outside in the cold of the Northern winter, the hot water that relaxed your aching muscles and made you feel how it cleaned you from all the dirt that had gathered over the day - physical or mental-, the steam that flooded around you and misted the mirrors so that she was spared a look inside.

And it was true, there wasn't anything they hadn't already seen... _Or done,_ her mind added and she shivered again. But nevertheless, she felt slightly unsteady on her usually strong legs while she followed Jaime to the big bathroom at Winterfell. Maybe it was already occupied? The thought left her with a strange mixture of relief and disappointment. What was she supposed to make of such a muddle of feelings? But there was no need to find an answer to that because when they arrived, it was **not** occupied. _Of course not..._

"Ladies first", Jaime said gallantly, stepped aside and held the door open to let her in, realizing just then his unfortunate choice of words. "Sorry", he corrected, "should I call it "Women" first?"

Brienne decided to ignore him. She was used to him teasing her, so she just rolled her eyes and stepped through the door, finding the big tubs filled with already hot water as always, prepared for someone to dive in. _Or two someones..._ She heard how Jaime closed the door behind them and carefully bolted it.  
"We wouldn't want someone to intrude, now, would we?" Of course, it was a normal thing to lock the door while taking a bath because no one wanted someone to enter then, but there was something about the way he said those words that made goosebumps appear on Brienne's arms despite the high temperature in the room.  
She threw a glance at him and saw that he was already undressing. His boots stood alongside each other on the wall, his socks tucked inside. Now he was occupied with the laces of his shirt and the way he pulled at them with his one hand and teeth reminded her of the other time she had seen him doing just that.

"Damnit", he swore and turned around to ask for her assistance.  
"Would you-" - _lend me a hand_ , he had wanted to say, thought that it was quite a good pun, but as soon as he had turned, Brienne stood already in front of him and was undoing the laces of his shirt without needing to be asked.  
"Thank you", he said quietly. She kept her eyes on her working hands without a reply, but he thought to have seen a little twitch in the corner of her mouth. Once she was done, she turned her back at him again without a word and finally began taking her own shoes off. She placed them on the wall beside his and continued. When she was done with everything but her shirt, she could hear the sound of water when Jaime glided inside one of the big tubs. Her hands stopped for a moment and she listened how he sighed contently as the warmth of the water began to soak into his body that was still cold and tensed up from his long journey, riding for hours and sleeping on the hard frozen ground. Although Brienne had her back turned to him she could imagine what he would look like. The muscular chest, half disappearing under the water, the relaxed look on his face while he leaned back against the edge of the tub, eyes closed.

"You coming?" Brienne blinked several times at the sound of his voice. Realizing that she had stopped moving for quite a while, she undid the final laces and hesitated again. The shirt she was still wearing was long enough to cover up every important part so far, but as soon as she dropped it she would be completely naked. She reminded herself again that this wouldn't be the first time he saw her like this and she didn't know what made her so nervous. But she couldn't help that she was.  
There was something different about this situation. At their first bath together in Harrenhal, he had practically forced himself on her and they had both been sure that he hadn't had the least interest in her anyway.  
The night they had shared though had been...well, different, too. She hadn't been quite sure what it was that had driven him then, she still didn't know exactly - lust, perhaps? Could it have been that? She thought sometimes that it looked like that, but who was she to claim to have knowledge in such matters? Let alone experience... And what was it that he wanted now? Why had he asked her to do this at all? Why-  
_Brienne, stop!,_ she demanded of her own mind. This was leading nowhere. The list of questions without answer was just going to become longer and longer, but would any of them be helpful? Certainly not.  
_What does it matter_ _ **why**_ _he asked? He_ _ **did**_ , _that's the only thing that matters now. You hate to show weakness, so don't be such a coward!_ And with this final thought, her shirt dropped to the floor.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Brienne wasn't especially self-conscious about her body, usually. She liked what she had made of herself, she was even proud of it, but that was when she was wearing her armour. It was her protection in more ways than one, capable of repelling the attack of a sword just as well as the glance of an eye. It hid the fact that she was a woman underneath the layers of steel, after all, and had a body with the typical characteristics of a woman, even though they might not be as distinctive. She wasn't sure what provoked the need in her to cover her breasts before she could turn around to face him - if it was the fact that she normally wasn't comfortable or even confident with the feminine side of her or if it was the exact contrary, that she wished her body was more like that of other women. But whatever it was, she couldn't change it now, so she laid her arm across her chest and turned around.  
She could feel Jaime's gaze following her when she made her way to the tub and climbed inside, very concerned to stick her own eyes strictly to the ground in front of her while she did so. She talked herself into thinking that it was because the floor was slippery from the dusk and she didn't want to fall, but the main reason was that she couldn't bring herself to looking back at him while his gaze seemed to burn holes into her skin. She was relieved when the water finally covered up most of her, but still, she didn't let her arm sink and stared at the water in front of her.

"Don't do that." The softness in his voice forced her to look back up and the look she saw in his eyes took her breath away, so her reply was no more than a whisper.

"Do what?"

"You know what", he said no less softly and Brienne gulped.  
"Please, Bri, don't hide."

Jaime knew that this was difficult for her. Even with this being not the first time they saw each other, it didn't feel the same to him and he was sure that she must have had the same sensation.  
Harrenhal had been a joke for him at first, a new and very effective way to embarrass her again and he was ashamed that he had once treated her like that. But even back then, when he had still thought they loathed each other, he had been surprised by what he got to see. Her armour gave not the slightest idea of what lay underneath and perhaps that was even what it was supposed to. He knew she wasn't comfortable with her softer side and she knew to hide it very well indeed. But without it, he discovered that she was just a woman, an ordinary woman, tall, but no less attractive. The constant fighting with sword and heavy armour had left her trained and muscular, with strong arms and broad shoulders, but that only accentuated her wonderful curves underneath. Small waist, long legs, creamy white skin - he remembered every detail from that moment he had first laid eyes on her, although he had tried to hide his unexpected reaction to it then, of course.  
Their night later hadn't left much time and space for admiration either. Not that it had been explicitly hurried, but the recurring thoughts of his sister and the all-consuming feeling of guilt had forced him to turn off his head to the best of his ability, so he wasn't in the state of granting everything the attention it deserved.  
Now, however, he wanted to let his eyes soak in every possible detail and he couldn't help but be astounded once again - she was even more beautiful than he remembered.  
_"You call that beast a woman?",_ the nasty voice of his sister echoed in his head, _"Has something blurred your vision?"_ They said that love makes blind, but at this moment, when she stood in front of him like a statue carved from white marble, it was simply impossible for him to understand how anyone couldn't see the same in her he saw, including herself.

"Please", he begged again as he watched the unsure expression on her face. "There's no need to hide. Not from me."

She looked at him with those big scared blue eyes and he was already sure that she wouldn't be able to overcome her fear when she slowly dropped her arms. It was an act of will for her to stand there and watch him how he examined her and in her mind, she was having a conversation with herself.

_Why are you so scared, Brienne, this man loves you..._

_Yes, I believe him that he does, but-_

_But what? If he has fallen in love with you because of who you are doesn't that include every part of you?_

_It should, yes, but loving someone for his personality doesn't necessarily mean that it includes...physicalities..._

_But he already slept with you. Doesn't that prove a sort of physical attraction?_

_Maybe. Maybe... And still..._

"Brienne?" His soft voice brought her back to the present.  
"Would you mind helping me again? It's quite hard to reach everything with just one hand...", he smiled at her apologetically and pointed to his back.

"No. I-I mean, yes. Sure. Of course." It made it easier for her to stand near to him while he had his back turned to her and to her own surprise it wasn't a strange feeling at all when she reached for the soap he held out to her and began to let it wander over his back. When her fingers touched his skin, it made little sparks shoot through her hands, but it was a pleasant feeling. She noticed that Jaime shivered from time to time and wondered what could be the cause of it as the water was still comfortably warm, when another possibility crossed her mind. And as unlikely as it may have seemed, she couldn't imagine anything else...yes, it must be her. She felt a smile appear on her lips and the movement of her hands became more confident as she continued to clean his skin.

Jaime enjoyed the feeling of the soap washing away all traces that were left from his journey and with it everything that was left of Cersei. But even more he was delighted in the knowledge that it was **her** who did it, it was kind of symbolic and he liked the idea of Brienne cleaning him from everything that had a connection to his sister. He closed his eyes and waited for this brief little moments when her fingertips brushed over his skin and he felt this wonderful tremble going through his muscles. He knew that she would probably become aware of his reaction to her touch, but he didn't care at all - on the contrary, he wanted her to know how he felt about her, every single aspect of her.  
His thoughts drifted back to their conversation earlier and it stabbed his heart again to recalled some things she had said about herself, what she had called herself. _An ugly abnormality..._ he felt the stinging in his eyes only by thinking the words. That she had only thought about anyone wanting her when she had been younger and - what had she called it? _Unaware of her appearance._ If she only knew how unaware of her true appearance she still was...  
And it was his job to make her see that. He wanted her to see herself just like he saw her, but as caught in her own ideas of herself as he knew her to be, he wasn't sure if he would manage to change her mind.  
_But I'll try_ , he told himself and blinked the water out of his eyes. _I'm going to tell her and I'm going to show her and I'll keep doing so until she believes me._

When he felt her hand gliding the soap over his shoulder, Jaime lifted his own and placed it on hers to make her stop. Brienne hadn't expected that and was a little bewildered at first because she had been so lost in her actions. His back had already been clean minutes ago, but she couldn't bring herself to stop.  
When he turned around now to face her again she became even more confused - she thought to see that his eyes were red as if he had just suppressed some tears, but she was probably imagining that. There was no reason why he should have. Maybe it was just the steam around them that had caused them to look like this.

"Perhaps I can return the favour now?", he asked and nodded towards the soap in her hand. Something in his voice made Brienne shiver and the nerves returned now that he was looking at her again.

"I have two hands, Ser Jaime", she pointed out, but her voice sounded weaker than she would have liked it.

"I'm well aware of that", he replied with a smile, "and you're perfectly capable of doing it yourself, I'm sure...but I would like to do it", he added. "If you'd let me."

It was half a question, he was clearly asking her permission and that soothed Brienne, but she knew she hadn't kept him from doing it either way, so she nodded cautiously and handed him the soap. When Jaime turned her around and she felt how the soft soap accompanied by his rougher fingertips glided over her skin, she couldn't help a comfortable sigh escaping her lips. Jaime smiled at that. He was a bit clumsy with his left hand and it cost him some concentration that the soap didn't slip through his fingers, but she was worth a little skill training. He went on like that for a while, watched how his own hand with the soap glided over her pale skin and was pleased to notice that she relaxed more and more. Her eyes were closed, her breathing calm and he decided that it was worth a try, so he slowly laid the soap aside and carefully continued to caress her skin, but only with his fingertips.  
She flinched a bit, but didn't hold him back or said a word, what he read as permission to continue. He let his hand leave her back, over her shoulder and down her arm. She trembled slightly just like he had at her touch and he felt the goosebumps forming under his fingers. Brienne tensed a little and he instantly drew back, wanted her to know that she didn't need to be afraid that he would do anything she didn't want.

"Shhhh", he whispered in her ear, hoping that it would soothe her again. "It's alright. Don't be afraid."

She turned around at those words and looked back into his eyes. "I'm not afraid", she said, quite more steadily than she felt.

"What are you then?" His eyes were full of warmth, honest concern about her well-being and it made its way right into Brienne's heart.

"I don't know", she whispered and he believed her that she truly didn't. "But it's not fear."

"Good", he replied and stuck a wet strand of hair behind her ear. "You mustn't ever be afraid of me, ok? Promise me that."

Brienne nodded. It was easy for her to guarantee. There were a lot of emotions that he woke in her, even many she couldn't quite identify or understand, but fear was none of them. She was nervous around him in a situation like this, no question, but she knew that she was always safe.

Jaime watched her as she nodded and was glad to see that she meant it. Her expression was still kind of unsure, though, unsure about other feelings she was apparently trying to figure out.  
As he looked at her he couldn't fail to marvel at the way a ray of sunlight fell through one of the high windows and caught in the waterdrops covering her hair, making them sparkle like diamonds.  
_That's what she is_ , he thought. _She still sees herself as a piece of coal, but I have to make her see the diamond that has become of it_.

"Brienne", he whispered softly and her eyes found his again. "You believe me that I love you, don't you?" She nodded again and he smiled.  
"And do you trust me?"

"Yes", she told him without hesitation, "More than anyone."

"Then please", he said and took a deep breath, "please believe me when I tell you that you're beautiful."

He saw how her eyes widened in surprise, she surely hadn't been expecting that and he waited for the usual disbelief and doubt to appear in their blue depths as they usually did, but nothing happened. She just stared at him for a moment, her expression absolutely impossible for him to read, opened her mouth, closed it again. And then...

"I believe you."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

"Do you really?"

"Yes", Brienne said and no one was more surprised than her at how sincerely she meant it.  
"Yes, I do."  
She would never have thought that he would say such a thing and even less was she expecting that he would be honest, but the biggest surprise to them both was that she believed him, truly believed that he meant it. She couldn't really say what it was that made her see his genuineness, something in his eyes, the tone of his voice, a twitch around his mouth, maybe a combination of all - she couldn't quite put her finger on it, but she didn't really care because all that mattered was that she just knew. She knew instantly that it was real, no kind of cruel joke or anything, not even a pretence to be nice or make her feel better, it was a simple truth. Brienne had never felt like she felt at this moment. It was as if she had always wanted to feel that way without even knowing what feeling she craved before she came to experience it. Maybe she hadn't even known that she wanted anything at all until it was tangible. But now it was there and neither did she know how she had survived for so long without it, nor how she was supposed to live on if it would be taken from her again. The feeling that someone loved her so much he actually believed she was beautiful...

It was only when she saw the look of concern in Jaime's eyes that she realized she had started to cry, and not only cry, she was sobbing. She had no idea when it had started or where it came from and she didn't even recall the last time she had allowed herself to lose her countenance like this, but that didn't mean anything right now. She let the tears fall and the sobs escape her throat without trying to stop them, welcoming them even, as it felt so good to be able to just let go for a minute.  
However, she smiled at Jaime and cupped his cheek with one of her hands to let him know that it was alright, and fortunately, he seemed to understand perfectly, for the concern gave way to a smile too and he laid his own hand over hers, holding it in place for a moment before he drew her closer. His hand on the back of her head lead her to rest it on his shoulder and she was glad to obey while he stroked her back and just let her cry. Neither of them knew how long they stood like this until the tears began to dry, but both didn't care in the least. Not even the amount of skin contact the current position had created was important at this moment.

"You have no idea how much that means to me...", she whispered, her head still nestled against his shoulder.  
"I feel-" She searched for the right words, struggling to find anything that would describe it properly, but Jaime got in ahead of her.

"I know", he whispered back while his fingers went through her hair.  
"You may not believe it, but I think I do, actually. It's the same feeling I get from you."  
Brienne leaned back reluctantly, torn between the desire to be as close as possible and the need to look into his eyes. She was surprised by his words, unsure what he meant because she could think of nothing she could have done to make him feel the same way she was right now, but when she saw his face he smiled at her so knowingly...

"You're not the only one who is good at hiding emotions, you know?", he began to explain. "I'm actually quite proud of this ability, but sometimes it can be a great burden to keep everything to yourself...but who am I telling that, right?" Indeed, she was very familiar with it, more than she liked to be, so she nodded slightly.  
"What I'm talking about is", he went on, "I have my selfconsciousness as well, mine is only on the inside. I know I always played tough, as if I didn't care what others said or thought about me, that being called Kingslayer and other not very kind descriptions of my person didn't bother me at all, but they did. I wasn't oblivious of the opinions that everybody had -or has-about me." She had always known that he wasn't as indifferent as he did, but she had never been quite sure to what degree it bothered him - he was right, he was good at hiding. But right now he didn't hide anything, his face spoke volumes and what she saw pierced her heart.  
"But I don't want to be seen like that, I don't want to enter a room and see the people either draw back in fear that I could slaughter them the next minute or run me down secretly behind my back when they think I'm not looking. But I **was** looking and I saw everything, I heard everything, I knew everything and at some point, you would have thought that I became used to it." He gave her a sad smile. "Tyrion always told me that you have to wear your weakness like armour so no one can hurt you with it and he was always quite good at it but I was not. It's hard to go through life with everyone despising you, seeing the look of disgust on the faces of people that didn't know me, that had never even met me...And those who were nice and polite were nothing but bootlickers that danced attendance because of my family name, but I knew that they actually thought no better of me than everybody else did. I had already put up with the fact that I was going to die with my legacy being the man who murdered his king, fucked his sister and was hated by everyone...and I actually thought I deserved that. When the whole world is determined that something is the truth, you're going to believe them sooner or later."  
He had been staring at the surface of the water, his expression hardening with every sentence, but now he looked back up at her and his gaze softened immediately. "And then you came along... and in your eyes, I could see something different. You saw something good in me and made me see it in myself again as well. One could say that you saw my beauty within, just like I see yours on the outside." He stroked her cheek with his finger for a few moments.  
"So, yes", he finished, "I think I know exactly how you're feeling...and also what it means to you. But giving you that feeling was the least I could do as repayment for everything you've done for me..." His voice trailed off and he seemed to be lost in thoughts when he suddenly laughed out.  
"I'm sorry", he said at the clear confusion on Brienne's face. "It's not even funny, actually, it's just...Now that I think about it...we're both so broken, aren't we? Maybe that's why our paths crossed...because we are meant to fix each other." Brienne thought about his words, eyebrows wrinkled, but then she shook her head.

"You know what?", she said, "I think it's actually the world that's broken. We just had to suffer from it because we are...different."

"Hmm." Jaime had never considered it that way.  
"And how does one mend the world?", he asked, unsure if it was a real question or just a rhetoric one. Either way, he got an answer.

"We can't", Brienne said - she had never been the type of person to indulge in illusions. "But we can make it a better place for us by facing its cruelty together."

"I like the sound of that", he smiled.

"Me too." She smiled back at him, but suddenly he noticed something else in her eyes, a vulnerability he was not used to.  
"I was lost without you, you know...", she whispered, "before you found me."

"It was rather you who found me...", he replied, startled by this unfamiliar tone in her voice. "Or who was brought to me, to be correct."

"And I thank Lady Catelyn for that every day...", she agreed. "Since I was a girl I literally stumbled through life, you know? Didn't know who I was, didn't know where I belonged...then you came around... and it occurred that I had just been waiting to be found. I had been waiting for you all my life without even knowing I was waiting for someone at all..." Jaime was moved by her words, but once again he couldn't believe how unaware of her own strength she was. He would have liked to cup her face with both hands to demand her attention, but the one left would have to be enough.

"You, Brienne of Tarth, were **never** lost", he said, warm, but not allowing any contradiction. "You claim you didn't know who you were? That's ridiculous! I've never seen anyone who knows better who he is...and who also has the courage to live it. Bri, you say you stumbled through life?" He paused and shook his head in disbelief.  
"If anything, that's because everyone has always laid stones in your way. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you to become who you are, but what I've seen is that you've taken every hurdle, as insuperable as it might have seemed. I know it can't have been easy to stay true to yourself, but you're clearly one of those that do what's **right** and not what's easy. You had to fight for it, many times and in many different ways, but you put up the fight and you won - and for that, you are truly the strongest and bravest person I know."  
Brienne had tears in her eyes when he finished and a single one found its way out of the corner of her eye and rolled down her cheek before it fell down to become one with the water around them. That was when Jaime realized how long they had already been in there - the skin on his hand was already wrinkled.

"Maybe we should go back to the chambers", he suggested carefully. "I can see if mine's still free or I can come with you, we can talk, we can do...other things - whatever you want."

"Come with me", she said immediately because she definitely didn't want to part from him again and if it was only him being in another room down the hall. She had had enough spacial distance in the last months.  
"I'd like a little more talking. I've missed hearing your voice...", she admitted with a little embarrassed smile.

"Talking it is, then", he said and gave her a kiss on the forehead before he turned around and began to climb out of the tub when he heard her voice again, not quite sure if the murmured words were meant for him or more for herself. "To begin with, at least..."

He grinned, turned around and extended his hand to her to help her out as well. Brienne took it gladly, no longer worried or uncomfortable that he saw her naked body.

"What's so funny?", she asked in a playful tone of concern for his answer.

"Oh, nothing", he replied innocently and grinned even wider.  
"You're just beautiful, that's all."

Brienne gave him a slightly reproachful look, knowing that he was lying, but an amused smile played around her lips.  
_Oh no..._ , she thought, _I bet he's going to use this to talk his way out of everything now..._ And the worst thing was, she knew she wouldn't be able to withstand him if he did so.

She watched how Jaime walked to the shelves to get them two towels. In doing so her gaze grazed the mirror she normally avoided so skilfully, but this time, her eyes stuck to it. They had been here for so long that the steam had nearly disappeared, so it wasn't misted up as usual, but she didn't mind, because for the first time since she could remember, Brienne was completely and utterly content with what she saw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so...as I said, this is sort of new territory for me, so please be lenient.
> 
> There are A LOT of emotions going on in this second half and I tried to capture both sides to the best of my ability, but I'm not sure if it worked the way I imagined it...anyway, I would be especially glad for comments here as I'm quite unsure about it, so feedback always welcome!


	5. Chapter 5

"I'll go and change, fetch some stuff from my room", Jaime said when they arrived in front of Brienne's door.

"But you'll come back." It was a stupid thing to say, she knew he would, but after his last leaving her so suddenly, it tumbled from her lips before she could stop it.

"Of course", he assured her. It hurt that she had to ask it, but he couldn't blame her. "Wait for me, I won't be long", he promised.

She watched him how he made his way down the hall and disappeared behind the door of his old chamber. Then she turned around to enter her own. The fire had burned down, but as she had stayed true to her habit of putting wood on when she left, there was still some embers. She placed a log so that it had contact with the heat but could still breathe, kneeled down beside the fireplace and watched as the wood caught fire. It was a nice feeling, the heat of the growing flames on her face and their light dancing on the wall. Her thoughts glided away while her eyes were captured by the fire. _It's bloody hot in here_ , Jaime's voice echoed in her ears. That was how it had started. Would it be strange to be here again, with him, in this room, with a fire burning and the dark of the night outside the window? It didn't take long until she would find out. She heard the door opening, turned around and saw how he came in, closed it again and drew the bolt, just like he had done in the bathroom, and Brienne felt her heartbeat quickening.

"Hey", he said softly.

"Hey", she whispered back as she stood up. She had forgotten to change, she remembered now that she looked at him in his fresh clothes. She had wanted to, but watching the game of the flames had carried her away. Relieved, she discovered that he wasn't wearing anything especially relaxed, just a normal shirt and pair of trousers that didn't stand out against her everyday-attire and his need for a change after the journey had been much more urgent anyway. There would still be time later, she decided, and changing with him in the room after their shared bath also shouldn't be much of a trouble, so she put the thought aside for now. Instead, she went to the bed, sat down on the edge and mentioned him to sit beside her, as he still stood in front of the closed door, apparently waiting for her to make the first move.

"So...talking", he said once he had sat down.

"Yes." She nodded.

"Anything in particular?"

"No, just...anything." It soothed her that they had settled on only talking for now, but what had somehow slipped her confused brain was that there had to be a subject. Fortunately, Jaime helped out.

"Brienne", he started slowly, "I'm sorry if- perhaps you don't want to talk about it, and it's alright if you don't, but-" He seemed to be struggling with the right words. "I was asking myself...you know so much about me and my...history. Who doesn't, right? How I became who I was before I met you, my family, my sister...and I just wondered if you would mind telling me a bit about you. Before we met, I mean. Your father, Tarth...your past."

Brienne breathed out in relief. She had been worried about what he might be going to ask her, but this was something she was fine talking about. She had actually always wanted to tell him about her home, but had never done it, unsure if he would even care to hear it.

"I don't mind", she told him truthfully. "Not at all." Jaime smiled and climbed on the bed, leaning his back against one of the bedposts to be comfortable while listening. Brienne followed him and copied his position so they sat opposite each other.

"So...Tarth", she began. "It's just wonderful, I can't imagine a better place for a child to grow up..." Her gaze wandered into the distance and he was sure that she was imagining her isle right now before her inner eye. "The blue water we're known for, of course, white sable, green grass-covered hills and forests...the landscape is really beautiful. I'm sure you would love it." Jaime liked the dreamy sound of her voice when she spoke of her home.

"Perhaps you could take me there at some time", he carefully suggested and her eyes came back from where she had just been to find his.

"Yes", she said and a little but pleasantly surprised smile played around her lips. "Yes, I'd like that. You would have to meet my father, though."

"You say that as if that wasn't a good idea", he remarked a bit suspiciously. Brienne pressed her lips together in a rather guilty manner.

"Don't be mad that I say it, but which father is thrilled if his only daughter arrives with the man known as the Kingslayer?", she said apologetically. _Well,_ Jaime thought, _guess I'll have to give her that..._

"Good point." He nodded and Brienne knew that he understood.

"But it will be fine, don't worry", she assured him quickly, "As soon as he sees how much I-...I mean, when he gets to know you, he'll like you, I'm sure. He just wants me to be happy."

 _As soon as he sees how much I love you_ , she had wanted to say. Why hadn't she? They had said it before, both of them, but somehow the thought of Lord Selwyn had made her stop. Like a reflex. Was she ashamed of confessing her love for Jaime in front of her father? No, it had nothing to do with him in particular, Brienne discovered, it was just the fact that she had never thought to present a man to her father at all and he wouldn't be waiting for it either. It was the unexpected that had caused her to pause, that was all. Jaime was asking himself the same questions, but he, of course, was unable to come to a conclusion. Anyway, he decided not to think about it, not now at least.

"Sounds like a good man", he said instead, "And father."

"He is. The best I could have wished for", Brienne confirmed.

"And did he support you in your...you know...decision to be who you are?" Jaime had been asking himself this question since he had met her. How did parents react if their child developed so unlike any expectation and norm? She was special and marvellous in her uniqueness, no question, but the unfamiliar was often peculiar, if not even frightening.

"He...well", Brienne began slowly, searching for the right words, "he did, at some point", she finally said and went on to explain further. "You see, at first, it was difficult for him. I'm his only living child and I was never...what you would have expected from a highborn girl. Since I was very little I was interested in horses and weapons and the way one uses them. Other girls played with dolls or they pretended to be princesses who were kidnapped by dragons and then they were rescued by a handsome prince that wanted to marry them. I was the sort of girl that wanted to know how to kill a dragon myself if I ever was kidnapped by one." She couldn't suppress a little smirk at that.

"Of course you were", Jaime grinned back, not surprised in the least.

"And my father let me do and play and imagine what I wanted", she went on, "until I was old enough to ask him if he could show me how to use a sword. He said no. He told me that that wasn't suitable for a girl, let alone a **Lady** in my position..." She accentuated the word and rolled her eyes in a way that Jaime couldn't help but chuckle a little, but when she continued he went completely silent again. "I remember that I cried that evening until I fell asleep", she said a bit sadly, "But today I know that he only wanted to protect me. He knew what the other boys and girls would say, they already found me odd enough and he didn't want me to get hurt. But I wasn't a very...compliant child" Her smile returned and so did Jaime's at her words. He rose his eyebrows. "Not that I had been difficult in general", Brienne said quickly when she saw the smirk on his face, "I had been taught to behave since my fist breath after all, but I had always had my own head. So he caught me one night in the courtyard way past my bedtime where I trained with a wooden sword I had nicked from one of the boys living at Evenfall. I was incredibly bad, of course, and my father smiled at me, corrected my grip around the hilt and said if I was going to do it anyway it would be best to do it right. The next day I started training with our armourer, and here I am..." She trailed off, slightly shrugging her shoulders.

"Here you are", Jaime repeated, "in saddle and armour, ready to kill dragons that try to kidnap you." Wasn't she just incredible? And even more unimaginable that she was his...

"Don't make fun of me", Brienne said quietly.

"I'm not!", he replied immediately, shocked that she had misunderstood him. "Believe me", he pleaded firmly, "no one is more grateful than me that you turned out to be who you are. Gods, imagine you would just have stayed in Tarth to play the obedient little daughter and Lady, married some Lord your father would have chosen for you because of his wealth or-"

"-or simply because he would have taken me", Brienne finished his sentence. She laughed a little bitterly. "I was engaged, did you know that?", she asked, not waiting for an answer. "Four times. Also one of father's ideas that were meant to keep me from harm and then turned out to result in the opposite. I don't blame him though, it wasn't his fault. I was simply not...meant for anything like castles, dresses, children and above all husbands." There was this sad smile again that always appeared when she thought she was to blame for something that had happened to her. Jaime almost couldn't stand these moments. "I still remember how one of them came to visit", she told him, "he threw one glance at me -he was several years older but I almost had to look down at him- he handed me a rose and told me that was the only thing I would ever get from him, then he turned around and that was it." Jaime's brain was working very fast. He had heard that story before. Images flashed in front of his eyes, memories. Harrenhal. A bear pit. The cadaver of the dead animal still lying there. A flash of gold. Blood, spit to the ground.

"I know." His voice sounded empty, his eyes stuck on his golden hand.

"What do you mean?", she asked, confused.

"I've met him and he told me."

"You- what?"

"Yes, at Harrenhal..." He raised his eyes, looked into her puzzled face. "I was there again, wandered around the castle and it occurred that my feet brought me to the bear pit. And there he was, looked down and imagined-", he broke off, swallowed the rest of the sentence. She didn't need to know that. "He told me that he was engaged to you and the whole thing with the rose", he continued, "I listened to his words and this almost...proud tone in his voice and I-" He trailed off again, lowered his eyes, still stunned how cruel and callous some people could be.

"You?", Brienne asked cautiously.

"I punched him", Jaime simply said.

"What?"

"I hit him", he said again. "With my golden hand, knocked him right to the ground."

"When did that happen?", she wanted to know.

"I can't tell you exactly", he replied and it was the truth, he had lost track of time during this period. "Somewhere on my way to Riverrun, these months are a bit blurred in my mind, but it's been a while..."

"And you still remember that story?" Even without looking at her he could hear the clear bewilderment in her voice.

"Every word", he said to his golden hand. "As if he had burned them into my memory."

"But you hadn't seen me in months..."

"I know, I know...seems that didn't matter, even back then." He forced himself to look back at her. "I can't explain it, I just had this feeling that I had to protect and defend you- Oh no, don't look at me like that", he told her before she had the chance to say anything, "I know very well that you don't need anyone to defend you...but you weren't there and what he told me made me so angry..." He trailed off, unable to put his own feelings in proper words.

"It wasn't that bad, actually", Brienne said softly to his great surprise.

"Wasn't **that** bad?", he repeated disbelievingly. "Brienne, it was cruel how he treated you-" But she interrupted him by a wave of her hand.

"I was used to it." Jaime could only stare at her, shocked. He had always suspected that she must have had to endure lots of mistreatment and humiliation, but that it seemed to have been to a degree that she had started to become partly indifferent towards it took his breath away. "Did I ever tell you how I came to become a member of Renly Baratheon's kingsguard?", she asked now and looked at him expectantly but he was still a bit dumbstruck.

"Everybody knew you were in love with him", Jaime heard himself say. Something flickered over her face, but it was gone so quickly he couldn't make out what it was. Surprise? Shock? Hurt? _You stupid idiot!_ , he scolded himself. _Can't you think before you open your mouth?_ "No, I'm sorry I didn't mean-", he tried, but Brienne interrupted him.

"No, it's fine", she said, but it sounded a bit cold, "I-... what I was talking about is...the **reason** why I developed this...affection in the first place."

"I honestly never thought about it", he stammered, his brain apparently still not working properly, "I just presumed-"

"You thought it was because he was handsome", Brienne cut him off.

"You sound as if that was a reprehensible thing", Jaime made a desperate attempt not to appear like a complete idiot. "Most people develop attraction because of looks, at least in the first place and after all..." Perhaps some humour would help, he thought. "I mean, you seem to have a preference for very good-looking men", he smirked, but Brienne didn't jump at it.

"Oh, shut up!", she snapped.

"Just saying." Jaime raised his hands defensively to soothe her.

"No, it wasn't **that** , I'm not this superficial", she told him, calmer, but still a bit cross. "But if you don't want to hear the story..."

"I want to", Jaime assured her immediately. "Come on, Brienne, don't be like that, you know I like a bit of teasing from time to time..."

"I know that better than any other", she murmured out of the corner of her mouth.

"Then don't be angry with me. Tell the story, please, I really want to hear it", he said genuinely.

"Alright, then", she sighed. "Under one condition."

"Which would be?"

"That you keep your teasing mouth shut until I've finished", she said, trying to sound authoritarian, but the amused twitch around her mouth gave her away.

"I could swear it, but we both know how good I am at keeping oaths", Jaime grinned, knowing that he had won her back. "So it may be enough to promise that I won't interrupt."

"Good."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

She waited a few seconds, watched him as if she was still expecting him to make a last comment, but he just looked back at her with genuine interest and anticipation.

"I told you, I'm my fathers only child", Brienne started quietly and Jaime nodded. "He loved me and he wanted me to have a good life, so he tried to find a fitting match for me. He held a ball, invited dozens of young lords to Tarth. I didn't want to go, but he literally dragged me to the ballroom...and once I was there..." She paused for a second and Jaime felt how he held his breath. "It was wonderful", Brienne smiled to his surprise.  
"None of the boys seemed to notice how clumsy and tall I was. They stood in line and threatened to duel over the next dance with me...and when it was their turn they held me close, whispered in my ear how they wanted to marry me and take me away to their castles. I looked at my father...he smiled at me and I smiled at him...I had never been so happy..." Brienne threw a glance at him, he watched her smile being wiped away and he tensed.  
"But then I noticed a few of the boys sniggering in a corner of the room", she went on. "And little by little they all started to laugh, they couldn't keep the game going any longer. They had been toying with me. That was when I got my name, Brienne the Beauty - really great joke. And I realized I was the ugliest girl alive. I felt like a great lumbering beast and wanted nothing more than to get away as fast as possible, but when I tried to run Renly Baratheon took me in his arms. _Don't let them see your tears_ , he told me, _they're nasty little shits and nasty little shits aren't worth crying over_. He danced with me and none of the other boys could say a word...he was the King's brother after all."  
She looked at Jaime and saw something in his eyes she couldn't quite make out. Was it just compassion? Or even pity? She hoped not, she didn't want him to pity her. She had done it herself for too long than to value it coming from others.  
And if he did, for what reason did he pity her? Because of what she had to endure? Or maybe because he thought she had been foolish enough to misinterpret Renly's intention?  
"I mean, I wasn't stupid", she told him to make sure to erase this point. "I knew that he didn't love me, he didn't want me either, he did it only because he was kind and didn't want to see me hurt, but..." She trailed off, searched the right words that would make him understand what Renly had done for her, what it had meant to her.  
"He saved me from being a joke", she finally said, "And I couldn't save him in return..."

"You avenged him", Jaime told her, still overcome by what he had just heard.

"I did", she confirmed quietly. "But it's not the same. Nothing is more hateful than failing to protect the one you love."

"I know", Jaime whispered. He thought of Cersei, asked himself for the millionth time if there had been anything he could have done to save her, to prevent her from taking the path she had, to protect her from herself. And Jeoffrey, Tommen and Myrcella...he knew it had been a happy day for the population of the Seven Kingdoms when they had been released from his eldest sons reign, but however cruel Jeoffrey had been, he was still his son. Tommen, on the other hand, was gentle, compliant and kind...he and Myrcella had been good children, neither of them deserved to die, and still they had had to endure this fate far before their time. Of course, he had never been allowed to be a father to them and apart from Myrcella they hadn't even known that he was more than their uncle, but **he** had known, he had loved them, they were his blood - and he hadn't been able to help them. His daughter had died in his arms, right before his eyes and there had been nothing he could do to save her.

"Of course, you do", Brienne's whisper brought him back from this dark thoughts. "I'm sorry."  
The care and solicitude in her voice soothed his grief and shame.  
 _There is still someone left to love and protect_ , he reminded himself.

"No need to be", he said therefore. He didn't want her to feel bad because of him in addition to her own sorrow.  
"You're right...But now I'm asking myself...what one is to do if this person doesn't want to be protected, if she prefers to protect herself..."  
It wasn't hard to guess who he was talking about.

"I could imagine that she wouldn't mind a bit of support", Brienne smiled.

"Would she?", Jaime said, pleasantly surprised. "That's good to know."

Brienne smiled at her feet, unsure how to go on and they spent a few moments in astonishingly comfortable silence, until Jaime couldn't hold back any longer from asking the question that had preoccupied his mind for some time now - since they knew each other, to be specific, but it had become more and more predominant, especially now, after her story.

"So you did love him?"  
No need for a name, there was no question who he meant. Brienne's brow furrowed and she kept looking concentratedly at her feet.

"Yes", she said after a moment, paused, apparently thinking.  
"No", she said then, no less determined.  
"And yes, in a way", she decided then. "I loved him for showing me kindness and I wanted to repay him for that, whatever the cost. I would have died for him, gladly even...", she trailed off, searched the right words, a difficult task as she didn't quite understand it herself.  
"But it was...different from how I feel about you. Not the same sort of...attraction. I can't really explain it, it's-"

"-complicated?", Jaime offered.  
"I see... And it's alright. I understand why you wanted to serve him and I understand that you say you loved him..." It was true, he did understand it, but he couldn't ignore the slight sting of pain it caused nevertheless.  
"Although I won't deny that I'm glad to hear that it wasn't...you know...like with us..."

"Hmm.." Brienne hummed affirmatively. She was grateful that he understood her intentions, she could see that he did, but she couldn't suppress the little smirk that stole its way on her lips at this quite pleasant hint of jealousy.  
They remained silent again, both lost in their own thoughts.

"I would have danced with you", Jaime suddenly whispered and Brienne looked at him in surprise. He saw a smile forming on her lips, somehow warm and sad at the same time.

"No, you wouldn't", she said, but she didn't sound cross, just...knowing and calm.  
"I'm sorry to say it but you would have laughed like everybody else."

"And I'm afraid that you're right", Jaime sighed.  
"I've always been quite convinced of my own superiority...that was how I was raised, I guess."

"I can imagine that very well."

"I'm not sure if you want to imagine me as a young man", he warned her. "I don't think you would have liked me very much."

"No, probably not", she agreed, but still smiling.  
"I didn't like you when we met", she added then and the smile widened to a grin.

"Neither did I", he grinned back. "Like you. Or myself, to be honest..."

"But that's in the past now."

"It is", he agreed immediately.  
"Now I would gladly dance with you if you ever wanted to. And I would call you Brienne the Beauty without being sarcastic about it", he told her sincerely.  
"Really...", he added at her sceptically raised eyebrows, "you're so beautiful."  
Brienne shook her head, but she smiled again, almost amusedly.

"And now that you had a bath you could also be called handsome", she replied with pretended sincerity. "Or well...almost", she smirked.

"Hey!", Jaime complained, laughing at the same time and glad to join in the game. "That's not fair! We both know I'm extraordinarily handsome!", he replied with complete conviction.

"Well, yes, I'll give you that", Brienne gave way and watched how a broad grin spread across his face that was mirrored by her when she continued teasingly, "And in return, I am not called Kingslayer and have two hands."

"So, **you** have the good heart **and** the hands to act on it and **I**..well, I have the good looks?"  
She knew they were only joking, but at that point, she cupped his face with both her hands and the look in her eyes demanded him to listen carefully.

"You **also** have a good heart, Jaime", she whispered insistently and was glad to see him smile softly.

"And **you** are also wonderful to look at", he replied lovingly.

"Alright...let's settle on this then." She wasn't so easily convinced usually and Jaime took the chance to find back to the tone in which they had been joking around before.

"So...", he said and pretended to be completely serious. "You mean we are both extremely beautiful **and** absolutely pure? No wonder we found each other. There must be barely another person in all of Westeros that can keep up with our high standards."  
Brienne laughed, a genuine laugh that warmed his heart.  
What could he possibly need more when he could make her laugh like that? He loved the way she looked when she was so happy and there was something else that came to his mind now, something that would hopefully contribute to her happiness as well.

"Would you care to dance, Mylady?"

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Brienne stared at him, he could almost see how the wheels in her head were working, rolling and turning before they clicked into place. No scolding him for calling her a Lady - she simply smiled again, but it was a sort of smile he had never expected to see on someone like her, it was cautious, shy.

"I would."  
Jaime smiled back, offered his hand to her and Brienne took it. He stood up and made a few steps into the room to have more space to move, she followed him obediently. Brienne had of course never been an especially good let alone graceful dancer, and also she hadn't done it in years, but she had liked it when she was young. She remembered how she had eagerly learned the steps, her teacher had praised her for having a good ear and feeling for rhythm even though her movements were rather clumsy. She had danced with her father...many times...  
Then she had lost her preference for dancing the first time she had wanted to do it on the feasts. None of the boys wanted to ask her and when they were persuaded because it was suitable and advantageous for their parents when they danced with the Lady of Evenfall Hall, she had stepped on their feet or messed up anything else that caused them to leave her alone on the dancefloor in the middle of a piece.  
Here and now, they had no music at all, she was still tall and clumsy and she was sure that Jaime must be an excellent dancer, but she didn't mind. He wouldn't insult her, laugh at her and leave her alone. So she let him lead her when he placed his hand on her back and drew her closer. In fact, closer than she had learned one should stand. She looked at him in confusion and he smiled, leaning forward.

"There is a special way of dancing", he whispered in her ear. "It's for couples, you know."

"Every two people dancing together are called a couple, Ser Jaime", she whispered back, her voice slightly trembling because of the current proximity.

"Yes, but you know what I mean, **real** couples. Like us."

"Like us?"

"Like us."

Brienne felt that he had put both of his arms around her, the golden hand was a bit cold even through the layers of wool, but it was his left hand that guided her towards him - cautious, gentle and warm.  
She had to do something with her own arms or they would be caught between their bodies, so she did the only thing she could think of, lifted them and settled them around his neck.

"You see? Seems you know how it works", Jaime smiled and almost closed the gap between them completely. Then he began so sway slightly, moving her body with his. Only very little steps -even she couldn't step on his feet doing this- and almost not leaving the spot aside from slowly turning around themselves. This was nothing like what she had learned as a girl, but she liked it. In fact, she liked it very much. The slow movements, the feeling of Jaime's heartbeat against her chest, his cheek brushing hers from time to time...it was soothing and she relaxed, closed her eyes and just enjoyed the feeling. It wasn't long after that Jaime felt how Brienne's head settled on his shoulder. He smiled, sighed comfortably and dared to rest his own against hers. This was even better than he had imagined. A certain calmness spread in his body, a peacefulness he hadn't felt in such a long time, it had become no more than a faraway memory. He could have stayed like this forever, listen to Brienne's relaxed breathing...and he closed his eyes.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Jaime didn't know how long they had been swaying around in silence like this when he opened them again - minutes, hours, he really couldn't say, but it must have been a while and the world outside the window was dark. Brienne stirred when he stroked over her back, but she didn't make any attempt to change their position.

"It's late", he whispered softly and she hummed in return.

"And it's been quite an eventful day, for both of us", he continued, still swaying to the rhythm of music that wasn't there.

"Indeed", she agreed without taking her head from his shoulder.

"I guess you're tired."

"A little."

"Then you should sleep", Jaime suggested- he didn't want to break the spell, but knew that it would indeed be a much-needed rest for both of them.  
"You have to gather your strength. Lady Sansa needs her first swordsman at the best of her ability", he continued to persuade her.

"I'm a swordswoman."  
She couldn't see it in their current position, but she felt how Jaime smiled at her comment.

"Comes down to the same", she heard his quiet voice beside her ear.

"Perhaps you're right...", she admitted and raised her head, both drawing back reluctantly, but neither dropping their arms yet, so they were still holding onto each other.

"I should go then", Jaime said, but made no move to do so.

"Or you could stay", she said and watched his face to figure out what he thought of this prospect.  
Jaime was unsure. He wanted nothing more than to be by her side, but he wasn't certain that it was a good idea - already. What if they woke up in the morning and she would regret having asked him to stay? Just like she had last time...  
Brienne saw his insecurity and got in ahead of him before he could refuse her.

"Would you?", she asked again cautiously. "Please. I would like you to stay."  
 _She asks me to._ How could he possibly reject her when she asked him with this look in her sapphire eyes?

"Yes", Jaime said slowly, "well, I suppose I could...if you want me to", he added, just to be sure.  
Brienne nodded. But then something flickered over her face and her eyes widened a bit.

"But- sleeping", she said quickly, "I mean, just...you know, if that's alright..." Her voice trailed off.

"Totally." He saw how she breathed out in relief, but he didn't blame her, he was slightly relieved as well. He had even wanted to suggest that himself, thinking that it may be best to start things slowly this time.

"Okay...", Brienne breathed. "I'll...go and change then", she said and finally let go of him completely. He followed her action and released her as well to allow her to turn around and walk to the fire, where her sleeping shirt lay over a chair.  
Jaime for his part walked over to the bed again and set down with his back to her. He leaned forward to take off his shoes, knowing that she would be more comfortable to think of him being occupied with something and therefore not watching her. Perhaps it was stupid, after their bath and everything they had shared so far, but...there was a certain sort of intimacy sleeping had to it, they could both feel it. The peacefulness made it special. To sleep by someone else's side was usually reserved to married men and women, it meant showing oneself in one's most vulnerable state, it meant complete trust and the absolute knowledge of being safe in the other's company.

When he turned around to lie down, Brienne was just about to pull the shirt over her head and he got a quick glimpse of what he had already got to admire in the bath. They had been much closer then, but their turmoil of emotions had made everything else fade out. Now, however, he felt how his body began to react to what he could imagine through the thin fabric of her sleeping clothes when she walked towards the bed as well.  
 _Calm_ , he advised himself, closing his eyes for a second to gather. _Not today_. It cost quite an amount of willpower, but he somehow managed to relax, forcing himself to as he knew it was best for her, for both of them.

Brienne lay down beside him and pulled the blanket up to cover them, but she stayed turned towards him, watched his face and he followed her example for a while, both just lying and looking at each other in silence.

"You should really go to sleep", he reminded her softly.

"I know, you too", she replied.

"I know." Silence again.

"Bri-" "Jaime-" They smiled for interrupting each other and Jaime gestured her to go on first. Brienne gulped.

"Is this really okay for you?", she whispered.

"Yes", he said, "yes, sure", but she didn't look convinced.  
"I think it's perfect, actually. I mean, we're just beginning to find out how this sort of...relationship works. We shouldn't rush into it, you know what I mean? Perhaps this sounds stupid regarding that we've already-...but..."

"No, it doesn't sound stupid at all", Brienne replied sincerely, "And I see it just as you do. I have no experience with this sort of thing and I'd like to try and figure it out slowly."

"Good", he said, relieved that they seemed to be in such agreement.  
"I want you to do that", he told her firmly. "I want you to experience what it means to fall in love. Everything that goes with it. And..." He paused for a moment, thought about his next words, how to express properly what he meant.  
"I want to find out what it feels like too", he explained, "as I also have never had a relationship like this before. With Cersei, it was just... **there**. There was no...construction, no development...it didn't grow or change...although that's actually what brings a relationship to life, isn't it?" He gave her a sad smile and then his eyes flickered apologetically.  
"Oh, I'm sorry", he said, "I'm sure you don't want to hear about Cersei all the time..."

"No, that's fine", Brienne told him truthfully. "I think it helps you to talk about her. I want to help you. And I'm not jealous", she added, for she thought that might be what he needed to hear.

"Good", he replied immediately, "Because you have no need to be."

"I know...", she assured him, but felt that she should explain herself to him further.  
"I feel **something** , of course", she continued therefore, "but it's not jealousy. Sadness, perhaps, a sort of...disappointment...but not because of me!", she added quickly when she saw the look on his face. "For **you**...that you had to suffer under her influence for so long, that you had to endure how she practically consumed who you were to turn you into something that was more like herself." She broke off, took a deep breath before she continued.  
"I'm sorry that you couldn't just love her the way you wanted. Because I understand why she means so much to you...you have a connection I fear I won't be able to compare to, but I hope that maybe I can at least make your life a little better", she explained calmly, but despite her tone he could still see a spark of sorrow in her eyes, the fear that she wouldn't be able to help him like she wanted to, like she thought he deserved it.

"Shhh...don't say that", he told her insistently, stroking her hair with his good hand. "You don't have to compare to anyone. And you already have made my life better. You make **me** better, Bri, okay?" She nodded and he smiled.  
Opening his arms, he gestured her to turn around and cuddle against him. She obeyed gladly and felt how he lay his arm around her waist from behind. Too late he remembered that it was his right arm. He had taken the golden hand off while she had changed and now he panicked for a second that the scarred stump would deter or even disgust her -he was used to this reaction from his sister after all- but she didn't even twitch. Apparently not minding at all, she even placed her hand on his arm, holding it in place. Jaime watched the back of her head in awe when he felt her touch and smiled to himself.

"Go to sleep now", he whispered once they were comfortably settled, "don't think about her anymore... She's the past. You're my future."

And with this thought in their minds and the proximity of the other warming and soothing them, they drifted off to the first calm and peaceful sleep either of them had had in months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, the Renly-Brienne-story is very very similar to the text in the series, but I just loved this dialogue and the scene so much and found it so perfectly written that I didn't want to change it too much (although I don't own the scrips, of course, just to be clear...)
> 
> Special thanks to the wonderful Gwendoline Christie here! I already loved Brienne in the books, but I've fallen so much in love with her amazing performance that she became my absolute favourite character, apart from the fact that she's faaaar to pretty for book-Brienne, she was just perfect and inspirational!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter one. But I thought I could introduce some more characters...

Brienne awoke as the first rays of sunlight found their way through the window and on her face. She felt a bit dizzy. The light was warm and blinded her, so she had to squint her eyes together. She remembered that she had dreamed. It had been a wonderful dream. Jaime had returned to her, had told her he loved her and they had danced together...

Something moved at her side and she drove around, finding that it was rather someone than something. Jaime.  
It hadn't been a dream. He was here. He was still here. The drowsiness in her head began to disappear at the sight of his sleeping figure and gave way to memories of the day before and Brienne felt a smile appear on her face. He stirred and his eyes opened to find hers.

"Hey", he said, still a bit sleepy.

"Hey", she whispered back.

"Are you alright?", Jaime asked when the unwelcome memory of their last time waking up beside each other found its way in his mind. "Did you sleep well?"

"Never better", Brienne replied truthfully and saw how his expression relaxed.

"But I have to get up now", she told him reluctantly, not very eager to do so, although she knew she had to.  
"Lady Sansa", she explained. "She has to know you're here. And what you've done."

"Of course", Jaime agreed. "Cersei's death will have a great influence on the course of the war...", he thought aloud. That hadn't been his main intention, but that made it no less true.

"I think it would be best if you stay here", Brienne told him cautiously. "I'm not sure it's a good idea if anyone sees you before I've spoken to Lady Sansa and told her about your return."  
He nodded. That sounded sensible. His leave must have caused great tumult- disapproval in the first place. Most of Winterfell's inhabitants would certainly be on bad terms with him, or even more so than they already had been anyway, including its Lady herself.

"You're right. I'm going to wait here until you're back."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

So Jaime sat on Brienne's bed and waited. He had no idea how long it would take her to return, he was hungry and hated to sit around feeling useless, but he knew that she had been right when she had advised him to stay in her room until she had informed Lady Sansa. He hoped that the Lady of Winterfell wouldn't see the need to punish him for his leaving, it could be construed as an act of treason after all. If he was to be punished he would accept it without resistance, of course, the only thing he feared was that Sansa could exile him. He knew she had never really trusted him, the room he had been given and the hospitality she had shown him - all of it was solely for Brienne's sake, and now, after he had hurt her like this, he wasn't sure if Sansa wouldn't decide that it was best for Brienne if he was sent away. He couldn't blame her if that was the case. He had had this thought as well, many times, and maybe it was even true that Brienne would do better without him, but the more efforts he made to stay away from her, the more it seemed to draw him towards her, so that he had finally decided to give up his resistance. And now it was too late to draw back. He had made his choice and Brienne had as well, and he feared that if Sansa would send him away, his loyal Brienne would be torn between her oath to protect the Stark girls and her wish to stay with him. And if it would come to that, he wasn't sure what he would do either. Of course, he wanted her by his side, but he couldn't ask her to leave Winterfell, he couldn't ask her to break her oath for him, knowing that there was nothing more sacred to her than keeping the promises she had made.

A knock at the door ripped him from his thoughts.

"Mylady?" It was Podricks voice, Brienne's squire.

"Mylady, it's time for breakfast." And before Jaime had time to do anything, and if it was only to hide, Podrick had opened the door and stared at him, where he was still sitting on Brienne's bed.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

"Lady Sansa", Brienne called when she spotted the woman she had sworn to serve in the corridor that led to the Great Hall.

"Lady Brienne." Sansa stopped and waited until Brienne had reached her.

"I know you must be on your way for breakfast Mylady, but I wondered if I might have a word?", Brienne asked her.

"Of course", Sansa said, sounding quite delighted.  
"I've actually wanted to speak with you as well", she told her and guided her towards an archway, that would lead them on a balcony so they could speak more privately.

"You look better", the young woman said once they stood at the balustrade.

"I am, Mylady", Brienne confirmed.

"I'm glad to hear that", Sansa said and smiled warmly. "We were really beginning to get worried about you." She let her gaze wander over the lands surrounding Winterfell and Brienne wondered who "we" might be.  
"I'm going to need you in the war to come...", Sansa continued. "The **real** you", she added with a glance at Brienne that left no doubt about what she meant.

"I understand, Mylady", Brienne said and looked down at her feet. She knew she had been behaving very much out of character when Jaime had left and now she was ashamed that she had lost herself like this, that she had allowed herself to neglect the duties she had to Lady Sansa. "It will be my honour to fight for your cause", she assured her. "And I'm sorry if I've caused you concern. There will be no need for it again."

"That's good to hear", the other woman said, but she sounded genuinely glad, there was no reproach in her voice. "But you don't have to be sorry. We're all powerless when it comes to matters of the heart", she smiled and watched how Brienne became a bit pale, eyes widening. Perhaps the tall woman had not expected Sansa to even know, let alone express it so openly. She gulped to gather herself.

"Yes, Mylady", she agreed then, but lowered her gaze to the floor again. Sansa didn't want to torture her. It must still be difficult for her to talk or even think about that time, so Sansa let the subject drop and went on, hoping to lead the conversation in a direction that was more comfortable for Brienne.

"So, what is it that you wanted to talk about?", she asked friendly.

"It's just that, Mylady", Brienne answered to her great surprise. "Matters of the heart..." Sansa raised her eyebrows and looked at her expectantly, unsure what to think of this introduction.  
"It's Ser Jaime", Brienne explained. "He's back."  
Whatever Sansa had been expecting to hear, this news shocked her.

"When?", she asked shortly. "When did he return?"

"Last night, Mylady", Brienne replied, "during supper."

"Why wasn't he brought to me immediately?", Sansa demanded to know. In the back of her mind, her sympathy for the swordswoman told her to be more sensitive, but she was still first and foremost the Lady of Winterfell, so she had to act accordingly.

"That's my fault, Mylady", Brienne admitted and blushed slightly. "I must confess that I wasn't thinking very reasonably then." Something in her voice made Sansa's cold attire melt away like snow in the sun and her eyes softened.

"Of course", she said compassionately. "I understand. Where is he now?"

"He's waiting in my chambers." Sansa raised her eyebrows again.

"In **your** chambers?", she repeated and Brienne blushed even more.

"Yes, Mylady."

"Does that mean you two have reconciled?", the young Lady wanted to know.

"You could say that, yes", Brienne confirmed truthfully.

"And you've forgiven him?"  
There was even more in Sansa's voice than just surprise. Brienne couldn't quite figure it out, perhaps it might be disapproval, if only a hint.

"I have", she said therefore as firmly as possible and watched how her Lady's expression changed once more. She had expected that she might be angry, but there was only concern speaking from her eyes.

"It's not for me to tell you what you have to do in this matter, Brienne", Sansa began slowly. "But you're important to me and that's why I must advise you to be careful." She lay her hand on Brienne's arm, demanded her attention. "He is a Lannister. And the Kingslayer. I don't claim to know him as you do, but I know his family, their loyalty...and I've seen what it's done to you when he left the last time." Brienne opened her mouth, but Sansa continued. "You're a very strong woman, Brienne,", she said firmly, "but even you can't take everything."  
Brienne had to take in her words before she could think of a reply. She was touched that the young woman seemed to worry about her so deeply and she was grateful that she had finally found someone who was worth serving, who really cared about his people, cared about her.  
She could understand Sansa's position, but she didn't have all the information Brienne had, so it was at her now to make Sansa see that there was no need to worry. Jaime wouldn't hurt her again, she was sure of it.

"I know that, Mylady, and I thank you for your concern", Brienne began sincerely. "But it won't happen again", she said with all her certainty. "You're right, I know him...and I trust him. He told me **why** he left and that's the other reason why I came to you." She paused, took a deep breath - these news wouldn't be easy to take.  
"Queen Cersei is dead", she told her, "Ser Jaime killed her. I know that it sounds ridiculous", she quickly went on to defend Jaime immediately, "but he's explained himself to me and I believe him every word. I know you don't trust him, but I'm asking you to let him speak to you first before you decide if-"

"There's no need", Sansa interrupted her, her voice and face impossible to read and Brienne already feared that Lady Sansa would think Jaime was lying, but then she continued. "I believe you."  
Brienne looked at her in surprise and disbelief, she didn't know the Lady of Winterfell to be so easily convinced.

"I received a raven from King's Landing", Sansa explained. "It brought the news that the Queen had been found dead. Killed", she added, "Wounded by a sword."

"My sword, Mylady", Brienne told her, knowing that Jaime had taken Oathkeeper to do it.

"The one that Ser Jaime gave to you in the first place?", Sansa asked surprised and Brienne nodded.

"He gave it to me to protect you", she reminded the young woman.

"And now it seems he's done it himself...", Sansa said as if more speaking to herself. She hadn't been sure how to deal with Ser Jaime until now. She knew that he meant a great deal to Brienne, but she could hardly let him come and go how he wanted without being sure about his true loyalty. But this news changed things...

"Go, Lady Brienne", she decided. "Go to him and bring him my gratitude. Tell him the Lannisters aren't the only ones paying their debts. Tell him the North remembers." Brienne smiled relieved.

"So I understand he will be allowed to stay?", she asked, just to be sure.

"Yes", Sansa confirmed, but she wanted Brienne to know that she had still doubts left about this man. How should she estimate someone who devoted his whole life and self to one person and then went off to kill her? His own sister, a woman he had sworn to love and serve? But deep within, Sansa did have an idea of what might have been the reason...  
"I'm not sure about his intentions...", she told Brienne, "but you don't have to explain it, I have a feeling that it's none of my business", she smiled knowingly. "I won't deny that I still don't trust him, truth be told. But you do and I trust **you**. That may be enough for the moment."

"Thank you, Mylady." Brienne bowed and was just about to turn around when Sansa called her again.

"Brienne."

"Yes, Mylady?"

"I don't know what you see in him", the young woman told her. "But I don't have to. The only thing that matters is that **you** do. And you care very much about him, don't you?"

"Yes, Mylady...", Brienne confirmed immediately, no longer afraid of admitting her feelings. "I love him", she added and Sansa didn't seem surprised at all.

"And he loves you", she said. A statement, not a question.

"He said so."

"And that's the only thing he said I have no doubt to be true", Sansa smiled . "I've seen you two together. The way you look at each other when you think no one's watching", she explained and Brienne blushed again, looking at her feet like she did so often to cover up her embarrassment.  
"But I don't want to bring you on the spot or tease you, Lady Brienne", Sansa went on therefore, "it's just nice to see that some love is in the air, despite all the terrors we're facing these times."  
She meant it. Even if she had a general suspicion towards people with his family name, Jaime Lannister was clearly making Brienne happy, and she could not think of anyone who deserved some happiness more than her loyal protectress.  
"But go now", she finished smiling, "I bet he's waiting for you."

Brienne bowed again and smiled as well, something Sansa hadn't seen her doing in quite a while and she knew she had made the right decision.

"Thank you, Lady Sansa."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

"What are you doing here?" Podrick stared at him, completely dumbstruck.

"Podrick", Jaime said slowly, thinking it best to just tell the boy the truth if he wanted him to understand the current situation he had been caught in. "I returned to Winterfell last night and I-"

"No", the squire interrupted him.  
"What are you doing **here**?"

"I'm waiting", Jaime said a bit dumb, for that was indeed all he was doing at this moment.

"For Lady Brienne", Podrick detected.

"Of course for Lady Brienne", Jaime replied, sounding a bit impatient as it wore him out that he couldn't read anything from the boy's expression, "who else would I be waiting for?"  
Podrick ignored his comment.

"You can't", he said expressionlessly.

"What do you mean? She-" _told me to_ , he had wanted to say, but was cut off before he had finished half the sentence.

"No, Ser Jaime", he said, more determined this time, "you **can't**. You don't understand. **She** can't. She can't see you."  
Jaime was confused, didn't know what the boy could mean.

"But she was the one who told me to wait here", he said bewildered and Podricks expression froze.

"Wait. What?", he said, sounding shocked. "You mean you've already met her?"

"Of course I've met her!", Jaime replied. Did this boy mean to play stupid?  
"Or do you think I would break into her chamber without permission?", he asked and watched surprised how the corner of Podrick's mouth twitched amusedly.

"I don't want to appear disrespectful, Ser Jaime", the squire said, trying to suppress the smile, "but I actually think you would."  
Now it was at Jaime to grin as well.

"Well, yes, you're right", he granted him, "I would, but the point is I didn't", he added then seriously. "I met her when I returned and she told me to stay here."

"When you returned...last night? Then you were here since-" He trailed off.

"Yes, Pod", Jaime made it easy for him, "I spent the night here - also with permission."  
He watched in amusement how a sort of shocked realization spread across the squire's face, but he thought it best to take the poor boy out of his misery.

"But we were **sleeping** , if that's what's going through your head", he told him therefore.

"Oh". This seemed to be a quite confusing conversation for both of them. "Then you didn't-...?",  
Podrick broke off again and blushed.

"No", Jaime said, thought again and corrected, "I mean yes, we did. But not last night. I mean before."

"Before you left her."

"Before I left", he confirmed. "But I didn't leave **her** ", he went on insistently."I left with the intention to return", he explained.

"You planned to come back to her." It was half question, half observation. Podrick was obviously trying to understand what had happened and Jaime read it as a good sign.

"Yes, I did."

Suddenly, a smile spread across Podrick's face.

"I knew it!", the boy exclaimed unexpectedly. "I'm so glad to hear that, Ser Jaime." He finally stepped in and closed the door behind him, all while talking without even taking breath. "All the time Lady Sansa said you were just a cruel liar who had used Mylady only to abandon her as soon as you got what you wanted, but I knew it couldn't be that. I knew that there had to be a reason why you did it. And there was, wasn't there?"

"There was", Jaime confirmed, delighted that he seemed to have found an ally. "And I'd say quite a good one, actually."

"I knew it!", Podrick repeated. "So you've returned now? And Mylady already spoke to you? Did she take you back?" Jaime couldn't help but smile at the squire's obvious excitement.

"She did."

"Good", he said quickly, but calmer. "That's good. For her. And you too, of course", he added. Jaime was surprised by this remark. He had been sure that everyone's opinion must be that Brienne would be better without him, including himself.

"I'm not so sure if it's good for her, Pod", he said truthfully. "I hope it will be...we'll see."

"I like you, Ser Jaime", Podrick told him with new determination in his voice. "Trust me when I say that it **is** good for her. You should have seen her when you were gone, she was-" He broke off very suddenly and looked slightly shocked.

"She was what?", Jaime asked concerned, alarmed by his expression.

"I'm sorry", the boy said quietly. "I may have said too much. I'm not sure if Mylady would want me to tell you..." Jaime shook his head.

"Then don't", he told him. "If Lady Brienne has advised you to maintain discretion, you should respect her wish."

"She didn't **advise** me exactly...", Podrick said slowly, "it's just...you know how Mylady hates to appear weak...but I think you should know..."  
Something in his voice left Jaime desperate to know what he held back from telling, but nevertheless, he didn't want the boy to give away anything Brienne would be uncomfortable with.

"I knew she would be downcast when I left", he said therefore, hoping that it would already be enough to let Podrick know that there was no need for further details, but it resulted in quite the opposite. The squire looked at him, a hint of something almost like pity in his eyes, pity for his ignorance.

"But it's not just that", Podrick told him firmly. "Ser Jaime, she suffered. She didn't talk to anyone, she barely ate, she almost never slept...at some point she started to cut down everyone who was brave enough to train with her and when everyone refused she used the trees in the godswood."

"I saw that", Jaime said, shocked. "I was wondering-...but I never thought..."

"She cried", Podrick went on. "I don't think she knows that I know, but I heard her. At night, through the door. I wasn't sure I heard correctly at first, I've never seen her cry and I was with her day and night since you made me her squire...but she cried. For hours, sometimes."  
Jaime couldn't speak. He wanted to say something, anything, but he seemed to have lost his voice. It was strange. On the one hand, he couldn't really imagine Brienne in such a state as Podrick described, and on the other hand, images of her flashed through his mind - how could there be images when he thought not to be able to imagine them?

"She was broken, Ser Jaime", Podricks voice found its way to his ear. "I hope you know that she loves you very much. And she needs you, so I'm glad that you found back to one another." Suddenly, his face turned even more serious, if that was possible.  
"But let me tell you this", he said with a strange tone in his voice, "I like you, Ser Jaime, but if you ever hurt her again, I'm going to make you pay." Jaime let the words sink in and somehow, very slowly, but somehow he overcame his shock and felt a smile forming on his lips.

"Message taken", he told the boy warmly.  
"You're a good man, Pod", he added then, "a good squire. Lady Brienne is very lucky to have you looking after her. And I thank you for telling me."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

"Jaime?"  
Brienne entered her chamber with a tablet in her hand, closing the door behind her with her back. She scanned the room, for she hadn't spotted him immediately, but then saw that he was standing in a corner where she kept her armour, the blue one Jaime had presented her with when he had sent her to find the Stark girls. He had been observing it as it seemed, although he actually had to be familiar with it, as it was him who had given the order to have it forged in the first place.  
He turned around when he heard her voice, the worry obviously speaking from his eyes.

"Will she let me stay?" He lost no time to pose the question that had haunted his thoughts more than any other during the whole morning.

"Yes", Brienne said and he sighed in relief.

"Thank you."

"Me?", she said, underplaying her own share as always. "There's nothing to thank me for. It was Lady Sansa who made the decision to let you stay."  
Jaime shook his head with a smile.

"But I know that you are the reason she decided as she did, so thank you", he insisted and she smiled a bit awkwardly.

"I've brought you breakfast", she quickly changed subject to cover up her embarrassment.  
"I wasn't sure if it would be a very good idea to introduce your return in the Great Hall, with everyone there at once..." She smiled apologetically.

"Yes", he agreed, very well aware that there were be many who wouldn't be especially glad to see he was back, "it's probably better if they get to see me one by one...especially Tormund", he added, unable to suppress a little smirk when he saw Brienne's face.

"He'll be fine", she answered shortly, not very willing to talk about her other admirer.

"I'm not so sure of that", he replied, unable to hold back from teasing her a bit. "He was indeed very fond of you."

"Stop that", Brienne demanded, obviously not amused. "He was not."

"Oh yes, he was", Jaime insisted, but his smirk was overshadowed by something else when he went on. "I've been watching him quite meticulously and the looks he gave you..."

"You really were jealous, weren't you?" Now it was her turn to hold back a little satisfied grin.

"I was", he confirmed truthfully, "no reason to deny it now, I guess. Perhaps I should even thank him. He helped me to discover how much I really cared about you."

"Well, then his attentions were at least good for one thing", Brienne sighed, remembering how uncomfortable she had always been because of the Wildling's not very discrete attentions. Of course, she had always wished that a man might be interested in her that way, but that had been a long time ago, before she had accepted that it would never happen, and before she had been advised to escort a certain Kingslayer to the capital.

" **Were**?", Jaime enquired with surprisedly raised eyebrows. "Does that mean he gave up?"

"Yes, after the night we-", she trailed off, certain that he knew exactly what she was talking about.

"But he didn't know that we...-" Jaime looked at her expectantly, just as sure that she would understand him perfectly.

"No", Brienne replied immediately, looking shocked even at the thought. "No, of course not. I don't think he could have. I didn't walk around telling everyone, Jaime", she added then, unsure if she should sound reproachful or rather amused.

"I didn't think you would", he agreed, slightly smirking as well, but turning serious again when he continued.  
"But why did he stop then? Didn't he see his chance while I was...gone?"

"Hm..."  
Brienne thought about his words. Now that he said it, it seemed a bit strange indeed, regarding the fact that Tormund surely was no one who gave up very easily.  
"No, he didn't try anything at all...I think it was because...he's more sensitive than you would think at first sight, I guess he was just...nice enough to let me be..."  
She had been a bit lost in thoughts, speaking more to herself, but when he replied now, she discovered with a slight shock that she might have given away too much.

"And you had to be treated nice and sensible?"

"What do you mean?", Brienne said evasively, hoping that she could somehow avoid the topic she had already feared. But Jaime didn't let himself be distracted.

"After I left", he clarified, although he was sure that she knew exactly what he had been talking about.  
"On my way to the capital and back, I was always asking myself how you were, what you were doing, how your life would go on...it made me feel sad and guilty, but I couldn't help it. My thoughts were wandering to you all the time...so, how were you?"  
Yes...how had she been? Brienne shivered when she thought back to it.

"I-I..."

"Bri", Jaime interrupted her, softly but determined, "I saw you in the godswood. That was nothing one normally does for training."

 _I knew he would bring it up at some point_ , she thought horrified. But she couldn't think of a way to answer him appropriately, so she just stared at him, staying silent.

"You don't have to tell me, but I would really appreciate if you did", Jaime said when he realised that he wasn't about to get any reply. He already knew how she had been, of course, after his conversation with Podrick, but it would mean a great deal to him if she could overcome her...pride or shame or whatever it was that held her back, and told him herself.  
 _Perhaps it helps her to hear that I was just as miserable_ , he thought to himself and decided that it was worth a try.  
"I know how **I** felt", he told her therefore, "and I confess that I was on the brink of turning back and riding to Winterfell so many times during my way to King's Landing that I stopped counting at some point. I almost don't remember anything from that whole journey because I had to turn off my head as well as I could so I wouldn't be forced to think about you - I ate, slept, rode, that was all. And if I had to regain my full consciousness I was haunted by the thought that you must hate me, or even worse, that you were completely indifferent towards me, didn't care or think about me at all, that your life had continued without me as if I had never even been part of it", he admitted. "I pictured you happy and content dining in the Great Hall or training and laughing with Tormund...and it almost killed me, Brienne, I really couldn't stand it."  
It was true, he had had these images going through his head all the time. And at one point, a thought had occurred to him he couldn't even tell her about, under no circumstances. It had been the possibility that it was best if he just stayed away, returned to Cersei so that she would never have to see him again, so that she had the opportunity to build a life without him being in her way, a life that was safe and happy. And he even wished he were able to do so, to free her from him and the horrors that seemed to follow him wherever he went...- but he couldn't. He was neither strong nor selfless enough to keep himself away from her and he knew it. So he came back, clinging to the small chance that a life with him was the best for her as well. Jaime sighed.  
"It may sound stupid and...very selfish", he finished then, "but all that kept me going was the small spark of hope that you weren't happy, that you were just as sad, downcast and broken as I was myself, that and the knowledge that all I had done had been to keep you safe. And to have at least a small chance...a chance for **us**..."  
Brienne didn't react at first. She wasn't even looking at him and he almost began to wonder if she had listened to him at all, when she suddenly spoke, still not looking up.

"I wasn't happy", she finally whispered expressionlessly. "In fact, I didn't feel anything for quite some time. It was as if I'd been in a daze...sometimes I was surprised that I was still living at all..."  
Her gaze wandered into the distance although they were surrounded by walls and he knew that she must be about to recall something.

"Today, when I spoke to Lady Sansa", she continued quietly, "she advised me to be careful. _Brienne_ , she said, _you're a strong woman, but even you can't take everything_. And although I hate to admit it - she's right." Her eyes finally returned to his face and Jaime saw the tears glistening in them.  
"It's true", she repeated, sounding desperate, "I- I can't. I **couldn't**. I always thought I was strong and could stand nearly everything but this - **you** \- it was too much." She paused for a second, apparently gathering herself and her expression changed again, desperation giving way to exhaustion.  
"No, Jaime", she continued then, "I certainly wasn't happy...but to be honest, I wasn't sad either. If I felt anything at all, it was anger." But there was nothing of this anger in her voice now, only tiredness.

"Good", he said immediately, wanting her to know that this reaction had been absolutely reasonable and appropriate. "You should have been angry with me. I deserved it."

"I wasn't angry with you", she replied, slightly shaking her head. "Believe me, I wanted to be and I still wish I could have been, but I simply couldn't. All I could think of was what you had told me. _We don't choose who we love -_ this sentence, in my head all the time...and if love wasn't a choice how could I blame you for loving her instead of me?" Jaime felt a stinging pain at the sincerity in her voice, even more so when she continued. He wanted her to shout at him, to blame him, to be angry with him - everything would have been easier to take than this calm sadness.  
"And it was so easy for you to go", she went on, "despite all my begging, it seemed to be so easy for you - how could I doubt your loving her then?"  
This was too much. How could she have believed that for even a second?

"Easy?", he asked her, disbelieving, shocked. "It was **easy** for me to go? Brienne, are you kidding me?" He drove his fingers through his hair, a gesture of desperation.  
"It was so hard I almost didn't manage it. When you came towards me that night I thought my heart might stop. It had already cost all my will to even make the decision to leave, and hearing your words, the sound of your voice - it almost made me change my mind on the spot. It nearly killed me to hurt you, doing so knowingly even..." He trailed off, the emotion in his voice letting the words stuck in his throat.

"Then why did you?", she whispered - the quiet sound hanging heavily in the air between them. Was it really possible that she didn't know?

"Because I wanted to keep you safe!", Jaime explained vigorously. "I couldn't take the risk of you coming after me, it was too dangerous, and I knew you well enough to know that the only way to prevent you from following me was to hurt you so badly you wouldn't want to. Don't you understand that I just wanted to protect you?", he asked her and the desperation in his voice stirred something in Brienne, but it had just hurt too much.

"You didn't protect me from the pain you caused by leaving", she answered a bit coldly and Jaime stopped breathing for a second when the gravity of her words hit him.  
"Let me tell you this", she went on, "I would gladly have faced a thousand swords, fighting by your side in King's Landing than have to live through one day of this...torture you left me in."

"I know that", Jaime said, also exhausted by now, but determined to make her understand. "And I'm sorry. Perhaps my decision was wrong, perhaps I could have spared us both some pain if I had chosen otherwise, but it seemed me to be the right thing to do then. I know you would always prefer physical pain to mental -we're very alike when it comes to such things-, but only the thought that you could get killed on this...suicide mission...-", he broke off, even speaking of it was already too much, so he took a deep breath.  
"And I must be honest with you", he continued, trying to stay calm. "I wasn't sure if I would survive either. I didn't know if I would be able to return to you and my fault was that I really believed that thinking there had been nothing between us would make it easier for you to go on with your life, that it would prevent you from mourning over me. So I pretended I didn't care about you, just in case, you see...", he finished with a sad smile.  
"And you believed me so easily..."

"Because it had always been so absurd", Brienne replied, a hint of a whimper audible in her voice. "That you would choose me when you could get every single woman in Westeros..."

"I don't care about any of them", he said insistently, stepping closer and grabbing her hand to enhance his words. "I love **you**."

"I know that", she said to his great relief and he sighed when he saw her smile. "Now I know that..."  
Jaime lay his forehead against hers and closed his eyes for a moment. She leaned into it, welcoming his touch and it enabled Jaime to go on.

"I'm so sorry...", he whispered softly. "I didn't think you would feel as you told me, to be honest...Maybe I wasn't even sure if I meant enough to you to cause such a reaction...but first of all, I knew how strong you are and I really believed it would spare you too much pain..."

"Me too, actually...", Brienne admitted and paused a moment, apparently thinking.  
"Seems we have both forgotten a simple fact in our calculation...", she added then.

"Which would be?"

"That you're my weakness."  
Jaime drew back, startled by her choice of words.

"I don't want you to see me as a weakness."

"No, you misunderstand me", Brienne told him. "I don't mean it as a bad thing", she explained with a smile.  
"You see, this strength, as we call it, physical and mental- it's good that I have it, no question, it was given to me from birth, but I always relayed on it, developed it, trained it...it's all part of my facade. An image I've created, an armour of self-protection I built to prevent me from getting hurt..." She looked at him expectantly, apparently waiting for him to signalize that he understood, so Jaime nodded.  
"But you broke through all this", she continued, "through all the layers and right into my heart. You're the weakness, Jaime. I let you in and by doing so I made you capable of hurting me, probably more than anyone else could, but have you ever heard of love that doesn't entail the risk of getting hurt?" She saw the realization spreading across his face and grabbed his hand with both of hers.  
"I gave you the power to hurt me", she finished smiling, "but also the permission to love me."


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short remark at the beginning: I know in the series the scene I started with took place after the battle against the army of the dead, but here it's before, so don't be confused:)

The day went by and Brienne and Jaime thought it best to leave the safety of their chamber to stroll a bit around the grounds of Winterfell so Jaime's return would be made official. Sansa had already announced it at breakfast, and earned the expected amount of complaint, anger even, but the Lady of Winterfell had known to stop the biggest part of it. They were still followed by disapproving looks and whispered comments but they tried to ignore it to the best of their ability.  
It had been no surprise that most inhabitants of Winterfell wouldn't be glad to see him again, Northmen were generally suspicious towards Southerners and his last name wasn't of any help either. They had only waited for him to betray Sansa and Daenerys in the first place and he had proved their point to their full satisfaction when he had left without any explanation.  
Now that he as back, their opinion of him wasn't any higher and although neither of them would dare to question their Lady's decisions loudly, they secretly disapproved of that Sansa had let him stay, without any signs of punishment. Most of them, for their part, wouldn't have refused to see his head on a spike...

"Don't pay any attention to them", Brienne told Jaime when they saw some of the men whispering not very discreetly in a corner of the courtyard as they passed.

"I'm getting used to it", he replied. "I couldn't expect anything else. And I actually don't blame them. I'm sure I would react just like that when I was in their position."

"Perhaps", Brienne agreed reluctantly.  
"But Sansa decided to let you stay. You're her guest. They should respect their Lady's orders."

"True", he granted her, but he knew the reality didn't work like that - very few people were as conscientious as his Brienne, and why should they be? As ignorant as they were?  
"But you're the only one who really knows everything", he reminded her. "Why I left. And that I always planned to come back. None of them really knows about my intentions and neither do they know me. Not even Lady Sansa. When they look at me, they don't see me - they see a Lannister, a rich, highborn and arrogant former swordsman who spent most of his life fighting on the wrong side until he became useless because he lost the one thing that made him special - and they aren't even wrong. Nearly everyone in Westeros looks at me and sees the Kingslayer, sees dishonour and mistrust." He looked at her from the side while they were walking, her eyes stuck to the ground before them.  
"You were the first who just saw me for who I am, who saw just...Jaime", he added warmly and saw how she smiled to herself.

"Maybe they will too, someday", she said hopefully, observing another group standing near the stables. "I think Lady Sansa has already started to change her point of view."

"You think so?"

"Yes", Brienne said slowly. "I believe she tries, at least. She knows that I see something in you she can't see yet, but I think she's trying to see it as well. And I'm sure she can", she added confidently, "as she was also the first to see and appreciate **me** , apart from you, of course."  
The last part put a smile on Jaime's face and he instantly thought back to the first weeks they had known each other. How different things had been then... So much had changed, it almost seemed like another life to him.

"We also had to learn to appreciate each other, though", he noted and she gave a laugh. He loved that sound. He heard it far too rarely.

"Indeed", she agreed. "Although I think I actually never really despised you the way I pretended to. I always had this feeling that there was more to you than meets the eye, but I didn't want to admit it." He knew exactly what she meant.

"Oh, I can relate to that", he said without hesitation. "It's hard to notice that you begin to respect and even like the person who holds you prisoner, believe me", he told her.  
"But you were simply fascinating, inside as outside..." He could see that she blushed, although her cheeks were already red from the cold. It wasn't new to him that she didn't take compliments easily, as used to being toyed with, so her reaction didn't surprise him.

"Fascinating", she snorted slightly to cover up her embarrassment. "That's a fancy word to say that I'm odd." But there was a spark of amusement in her eyes signalizing Jaime she was only joking.

"You know I don't mean it like that", he said nevertheless, just to be sure and the smirk he earned told him that he had been right, so he grinned as well.  
They strolled on for a while until Jaime felt suddenly how she grabbed his hand and he immediately replied by entwining their fingers, surprised but delighted that she had searched for contact.

"You didn't only see what no one else could...", Jaime heard her whisper, looking to the ground, "you even saw what I didn't want to see myself. You saw what I had always tried to hide because I thought it made me weak. My whole life, I had been called a boy, a beast or even worse, so I finally started to adapt myself to it, until it was how I saw myself. You freed me from that picture and not only that", she went on, looking up at him now, "You saw me as a woman, but you also saw me like I wanted to be seen. As a knight. A warrior. You showed me that I could be both, that I **was** both, just by being myself."

"That's simply because you are perfect, Brienne of Tarth", he replied softly, " just the way you are." She blushed even deeper and didn't reply, but he felt how she squeezed his hand a bit, signalizing him that she appreciated his words and knew them to be sincere. It wasn't long after when she felt him pulling at her hand to make her stop walking.

"Wait", he said and looked at her with a strange expression she couldn't quite figure out.

"What is it?" Brienne looked around, searching for something that had probably caused him to stop, but didn't see anything unusual.

"It's nothing", Jaime assured her and smiled. "Only...I would really like to kiss you right now."

"Here?" She sounded more shocked than she had intended, but the suggestion itself had just been so unexpected, it had caught her unaware.

"If you don't mind", Jaime replied friendy, but slightly unsure after her reaction.  
"We're a real couple now, aren't we?", he asked, not knowing if he wanted to hear an answer, so he continued quickly. "I can see no reason why we should hide it. It's not as if it was a secret...Why shouldn't they see that I love you?" He was sure that he wanted them to be together like this. He wanted to know what it felt like to be able to hold hands and kiss in public, as that would never have been possible with Cersei. And he was so tired of secrecy and hiding...

Brienne bit on her lip when she heard the insecurity she had caused in his voice. He was right. There was no reason why they should keep their love to themselves. Why shouldn't everybody know? It made no difference. It had actually always been a dream of hers, a dream that had become an almost lost memory over the years, a memory that returned to her now that it was tangible. She had wished for someone who wanted her, someone who wasn't afraid or ashamed to show her affection for everyone else to see...- It was just new, that was all. But this relationship seemed to be full of unknown experiences, anyway.

"Go on then", she smiled at him encouragingly and saw with relief how the smile was mirrored on his face.

So Jaime drew her closer, laying his arms protectively around her waist and pressed his lips against hers. It wasn't a very long, deep or passionate kiss, but still, it made warmth spread in Brienne's belly and she smiled against his lips.  
It was wiped away though when they parted. From the corner of her eye, she saw a broad red-haired figure turning around before it disappeared behind a corner. Brienne drew back and looked after the man, although he wasn't in sight anymore and took a step away from Jaime.

"Would you give me a moment?", she asked calmly as not to worry him. "Just a second. There's something I need to do."

"Anything I can help with?", Jaime asked, brow furrowed.

"No", Brienne sighed, "I think that's something I should do alone. So, if you could wait here, I won't be long", she assured him as confidently as possible.

"Sure", Jaime replied a bit reluctantly and observed her face, apparently trying to figure out what she was after.

"Thanks", she said and gave him a reassuring smile before she turned around.  
Jaime looked after her when she hurried around a corner and out of sight, just like the man she was now following had done before. Brienne followed the path she thought he must have taken until she spotted him sitting on a low wall, where he sharpened his sword.

"Tormund?", she called when she was near enough for him to hear her. He lifted his head and looked at her rather delightedly, surprising her with this reaction.  
"Might I have a word?", she asked and watched how a grin spread across his face. He didn't seem to have changed his behaviour towards her at all, she discovered, unsure if it was a good sign or not.

"Sure. Always." The Wildling stood up and leaned the sword against the wall before he turned around to face her.

"I...I wanted to thank you", Brienne began slowly. "It was very subtle of you to...leave me to myself, when was...you know..." She trailed off, but Tormund only waved his hand.

"No need", he said just as light-heartedly as always. "I know when I've lost a fight. Although that doesn't happen very often", he added, wiggling his eyebrows with a smirk. "Wouldn't be still here otherwise."

"I have no doubt about that", she granted him, as she indeed respected his skills as a fighter. "Surely there must be many women who would be glad to have you", she continued and smiled apologetically.

"'Course, there are." He didn't seem to have lost his confidence in the least and Brienne couldn't suppress a smirk when he went on. "I'm strong, good with fighting and very handsome - kissed by fire, what else could a woman wish for? There were always many I could choose from", he told her quite satisfied, "unfortunately, you were not one of them." But he didn't sound especially sad, Brienne noticed, it was just a fact. Nevertheless, she smiled again, the sort of smile that would hopefully tell him that she was sorry for not being able to give him what he wanted.

"Always thought a woman must be mad to reject me", he continued, "That or her heart had already been taken. As you are neither mad nor stupid, I see it must be the other."  
This remark surprised her, but she didn't see any reason to deny it.

"You're right", she answered therefore truthfully. "But believe me, I'm really sorry."  
It was true, she was, many things could have been much easier if her heart had chosen the Wildling, but she couldn't change her feelings. He seemed to know that as well, for he shook his head.

"Don't be", he told her. "Not your fault. And he's a good man."  
If Brienne had been surprised before, it was nothing as compared to now. She would never have expected to hear this from anyone, especially Tormund.

"He is", she confirmed rather confused. "But I never knew you thought that", she admitted.

"I didn't", Tormund said lightly. "At first. Didn't like him at all, to be honest, still not sure if I do now, but he must be a good man. You wouldn't love him if he wasn't." Brienne couldn't help but blush slightly.

"You think too highly of me, Ser", she told him modestly and looked at her feet. "I'm just as capable of making bad decisions as everybody else", she said quietly.

"I'm no Ser", he contradicted her. "And it's not a decision, falling in love, is it though?" Brienne looked up at these words.

"No", she said. "No, it's not."  
She smiled to herself, Jaime's words echoing in her head as they head so often - when she suddenly heard his real voice calling her from behind.  
 _Oh no_ , Brienne thought and closed her eyes for a second. _Why didn't he wait as I told him to?_

"Bri, I was looking for you-...Oh", he stopped when he spotted the Wildling.  
"Tormund", he said and nodded towards him. Not an especially heartwarming greeting, but you couldn't expect that.

"Lannister", the Wildling replied, just as shortly.

"Brienne, would you mind giving us a second?", Jaime said overly friendly in her direction, but without taking his eyes off Tormund. Brienne had a sense that this would be no good.

"I'm not sure if-", she began doubtingly but was cut off by the red-head.

"Don't you worry, Lady Brienne", he said with a grin, "he'll be fine. I promise you'll get him back in one piece", he added with a mockingly raised eyebrow towards Jaime.

"I promise the same", he replied very seriously. Tormund laughed and slapped Jaime on the back, so he stumbled a bit forward.

"See?", Jaime asked Brienne, coughing a little. "We're getting by perfectly."

"Alright...", she gave in reluctantly.  
"I'll wait for you in the Great Hall", she added then towards Jaime who nodded before he watched her turning around and disappearing in the direction of the building. When he turned around, Tormund was already facing him with a very serious expression.

"Hey, listen", he said not unfriendly, but clearly demanding him to pay attention. "You have nothing to fear from me. I already told her, I know when I've lost. I won't try anything as long as I see that it's you she wants. You're not worthy of her, but it seems you make her happy - I won't take that from her. But if she should change her mind or if I see you hurting her again, I won't be so nice anymore." He looked directly into Jaime's eyes and there was no doubt that he meant what he said.

"Got it", Jaime assured him as firmly as possible. "That's very...honourable of you."  
Tormund snorted at this and Jaime thought it best to just lay his cards on the table as well.  
"I know you don't like me", he continued therefore, "and I don't blame you. I won't deny that I don't like you very much either because you were after the woman I love, but I respect you. And I'm glad to know she has a loyal and capable protector in you. No, honestly", he reassured when he saw the look on the Wildling's face, "I am. Not that she needed protection", he went on and both exchanged a knowing look, "But you know...just in case...I won't be able to protect her myself."

"You couldn't protect her from a herd of sheep", Tormund muttered under his breath, but deliberately loud enough for Jaime to hear.

"Hey, I've gotten much better with my weak hand", he defended himself rather poorly.

"Not as good as you might need to be", Tormund said frankly as he was.

"I know", Jaime sighed and watched how surprise spread over the other man's face. "And that's why I have to ask you a favour", he added firmly, although he didn't like what he had to do now in the least. He had thought about it for quite a while and sometimes the thought still horrified him, but it was best for Brienne, so he would do what was necessary.

"A favour?", Tormund asked disbelievingly. "I don't owe you anything."

"I know that and I'm not asking you to do it for me", Jaime told him. "Do it for her." Those words seemed to change Tormund's mind.

"Speak", he demanded and Jaime lost no time.

"The army of the dead is coming", he began straightforwardly. "You've seen them. They come for every one of us and you're right, I'm not as good a fighter as I once was. So in case...just in case something happens to me...", he paused for a second to take a deep breath. "Will you promise me to look after her?", he asked and saw how the Wildling's eyes widened. "She's the most loyal person I've ever met", Jaime went on explaining," and I fear she'll feel...obliged to mourn...But I don't want her to be alone and unhappy for the rest of her life. Promise me you won't let that happen. Please", he said firmly, the emotion clearly audible in his voice, "I just want her to be happy, even if it can't be with me anymore." Jaime breathed heavily after he had finished and waited nervously for the Wildling to reply. He looked at Jaime, observed his face and took a painfully long time before he spoke.

"You really love her", Tormund detected.

"I do." A few moments of silence passed again, but when the Wildling replied, Jaime relaxed.

"I'll do what you ask", he assured him. "I'll look after her, I promise."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Brienne sat at one of the tables in the Great Hall, nervously waiting for Jaime to return. What could the two men have to discuss? These two especially?  
 _I hope they're not killing each other right now..._ , she thought with a sigh. If it came to a...well, physical quarrel, Jaime would be the one to draw the short straw. And both of them could be rather quick-tempered, maybe she shouldn't have left them on their own...  
She was just about to get up to go and see if all was going well when Jaime and Tormund entered, both looking just as fine as when she had left them. They spotted her and a smile spread across Jaime's face when he walked towards her. Tormund just nodded in her direction, but he didn't follow Jaime to sit at their table, but turned around to join some of his companions from beyond the Wall. She looked after him, still standing behind the table and her brow furrowed. What had they been talking about?

"Hey", Jaime greeted her light-heartedly and sat down opposite her. He followed her gaze that was still directed on Tormund's back and watched how she slowly sat down as well. Her eyes returned to his face, but without losing their suspicious expression.

"What was that?", she asked in a tone that matched her face.

"What was what?", he replied innocently. He didn't want her to know what he had asked the Wildling, knowing that she would most probably feel patronized.

"You know what", Brienne said. "You? And him? Talking? **Alone**?", she added when he only raised his eyebrows.

"I don't know what you mean", Jaime replied, hoping that she would let go of the subject if he played dumb long enough.

"Jaime..." Brienne looked at him reproachfully, of course completely aware of what he was trying.

He sighed. They knew each other too well to play games, but he wasn't willing to give everything away.  
"It was...important", he said evasively.

"Then I think I should know", she stated, reasonable as always.

"Not **that** important...", he tried poorly.

"Well, what now?", she asked, beginning to get a little impatient. " Either it's too important to leave me out or so unimportant that telling me wouldn't matter either."

Jaime shrugged his shoulders.  
"It's important for me and unimportant for you."

"So you want to tell me that it has nothing to with me?", she wanted to know, her tone making clear that she wouldn't believe him even if he tried.

"It's-" Jaime broke off, searching for words, but she didn't let him enough time to find any.

"Come on, Jaime", she interrupted him drily. "You and Tormund talking. Reasonably even, as it seems, for you haven't killed each other...you can't make me believe that it doesn't concern me in any way."  
Jaime knew he had lost. He couldn't pretend. It was too obvious, especially for her.

"No", he gave in. "No, I can't."  
Brienne's expression softened at the tone in his voice, but he could still see the determination sparkle in her eyes.

"Then I want you to tell me what it was about", she demanded softly, but firm nevertheless.

"I'm not sure you want to know", he admitted and her eyes widened in surprise before her brow furrowed again, confused. Jaime reached across the table and took her hand in his.

"Would it be so hard to just...trust me with this? I did it because it was important to me, but trust me when I tell you that you don't need to know, at least not yet."

He looked into her eyes, silently begging her to do as he asked. Brienne's expression couldn't be figured out, she just looked back at him for a painfully long time and when she finally breathed in and sighed as if she was going to answer, she was interrupted by the voice of Lady Sansa echoing through the Hall.  
Jaime looked at her pleadingly and mouthed a noiseless request to say what she had been going to, but Brienne only shook her head slightly, turned it to the front of the Hall to give Sansa her full attention and leaned back, withdrawing her hand from Jaime's grasp as she did so. He, again, had no other option than to do the same, so he forced his reluctant eyes to leave her face and focus on the head of the Hall, where the Lady of Winterfell had stood up.

However, he couldn't help his gaze flickering back to the woman opposite him from time to time while he tried to listen to Lady Sansa's words. With half an ear, he heard how she told them that supper would be brought at any moment, how she announced some news from the south where Queen Daenerys, Jon Snow and his brother Tyrion had travelled to look after the mess he had left by removing his sister from the game board. It surprised him to hear that the Dragon Queen had decided to return to the North as fast as possible and to entrust the reign in the capital to Tyrion and Ser Davos Seaworth as soon as the situation had calmed. Tyrion surely was no bad choice, as his brother had always known and even enjoyed to play what Cersei called the "Game of Thrones", but he hadn't known how deeply Daenery must have trust in his brother to leave him such a huge responsibility.

"We await the return of the Queen and my brother in no more than two weeks", Lady Sansa said. "And it won't be a second too soon", she sighed and took a deep breath.

"I received a raven from the Wall", she continued. "The men we sent there to give us report don't have good news. As it seems, the Army of the Dead is finally on their way towards the Wall." Complete silence filled the room at those words, only interrupted by a shocked count of breath here and there.

"We can't be sure how long it will take them to get past the Wall and to come here, the only thing we know for sure is that they **will**. And when the time is here, we have to be ready. I don't have to remind you that we need every man", she accentuated with a quick glance in Jaime's direction, "we can't allow us to be divided within our own ranks." This time, she spoke towards some of the men who had cast Jaime some especially disapproving looks over the days and they grumbled slightly, but nodded to the ground.

"We're only as strong as we are united", Sansa finished in a voice that was worth the Lady of Winterfell. "And when the real war comes, we will all be put to the test, in more ways than one." She paused for a moment, but then a gentle smile returned to her face.  
"But for now, let's try to make the best out of the time we've got." When she sat down, supper was served and the atmosphere began to lighten up slowly until you could hear the usual conversation and laughter at the tables around, even though something like a dark veil seemed to hang above everything.

Jaime and Brienne, however, spent the meal in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. They were thinking about the same thing, though - the future.  
Was there something that actually deserved to be called a future? For both of them? For one of them? At all?  
What if there wasn't? It was quite likely that there wasn't...and if so, how should they spend the little time they got? Training? Training others to make their survival more likely? Not training at all because it wouldn't make a difference either way?  
And if they survived under miraculous circumstances, what would that mean? Until now, they had lived for the day, always the knowledge that the almost certain end was going to come sooner or later in the back of their minds. But how to go on if it wouldn't be the end after all? How to plan for the distant future?  
If one of them survived, how would they manage to go on? But most important, if **both** of them survived, what would it mean for them?

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

"Do you want me to stay tonight?", Jaime asked cautiously when they reached the top of the stairs to enter the corridor to their chambers. He hoped so, but thought it appropriate to ask, especially after their little misunderstanding about Tormund. He was relieved that Brienne had given in, but knew that she had done so only very reluctantly and wasn't really satisfied with the outcome.  
He watched how she pressed her lips together. She didn't say a word, but nodded briefly and he breathed out.

The fire had burned down when they entered and Jaime, thinking that every little gesture could help make up for earlier, immediately went over and put some more logs on. He saw from the corner of his eye how Brienne crossed the room and sat down on the edge of the bed, silent, staring in the air in front of her. He joined her, sat by her side and mirrored her actions for a while, the pressing atmosphere almost tangible between them as it had been since Lady Sansa's speech.

"They're coming", she whispered expressionlessly after a while.

"Yes."

"We knew they would, but-"

"I know...", he sighed deeply. "But the expectation of an unpleasant event is nothing against its final certainty", he ended her unfinished sentence.  
Brienne looked up at this and turned her face to him, disbelievingly.

"Unpleasant?", she said in a tone that seemed to ask him if he was serious.

"Well, horrible", he sighed and she returned her eyes to the spot in the air and nodded.

"What...", he trailed off and gulped, "what are we going to do now?"

"Fight."  
Jaime couldn't help but smile to himself although there was surely nothing funny about this answer. _It's just so her to say just that..._

"I meant **until** then", he clarified and watched her face to capture every change of expression, but he noticed none at all.

"Hm", she just hummed after a while, apparently thinking about it.  
"Train, I suppose", she said then with a shrug of her shoulders as if this was the only reasonable answer to his question. Again, he wasn't surprised in the least. That was what she was like, loyal and hardworking until the end, even if it was probably useless, always trying to make the best out of everything, to bring the best out in her - mostly for others. Of course, it was one of her qualities he admired deeply, but he was well aware of the fact that he was most likely not going to survive the battle to come. There wasn't much time left for him - and he didn't want to waste another second of it.

"Do you really think that's going to make a difference?", he asked therefore and waited for a reply, but she didn't answer, just kept staring in front of her.  
"Let's face it", he sighed heavily, "I'm of no good use since I lost my hand... Yes, I've gotten better", he added quickly when she opened her mouth, likely to protest, "but my chances aren't standing very good. More training won't change anything. You, on the other hand...", he trailed off, both knowing that there weren't many who could compete with her fighting skills. There was a moment of silence again, but her intense gaze told him that she had finally turned her full attention towards him.

"Don't say that", she finally said, simple and brief.

"Say what?"

"I know what you're indicating", Brienne stated calmly.  
"You aren't going to die."  
It was moving that she said that, quite determinedly even, but Jaime could only smile sadly - he wouldn't let himself be fooled.

"You can't know that", he said softly.

"I do." He didn't know how to argue with that, so they both fell silent again. Of course, he wanted to live. And despite every possible misunderstanding between them, he knew that she wanted him to live as well. She already had made him do so once, after he had lost his hand and dissolved into self-pity, it had been her who had made him regain his will to live again. And he had saved her in return.  
 _We saved each other so many times..._

Yes, he wanted to live, but even more, he wanted **her** to live.  
 _And she will_ , Jaime tried to persuade himself. _I know no one who fights better or braver than her. She's skilled, she's trained, she's strong, she's determined...and she has something worth fighting for_ \- that was something their enemies would never have.  
Sh _e has her home, her father, her oath to the Stark girls...if anyone has a chance to survive all this, it's her. Unless..._  
A thought occurred to him, a thought that was horrifying. Her loyalty and dedication were a part of why she was such a brilliant fighter, but there was one thing to them that made her weak as well - her willingness to die for someone else.

"Brienne", Jaime broke the silence suddenly, "Brienne you must promise me something." The tone in his voice made her look at him, listening carefully, and he looked back directly in her eyes while he continued.  
"Promise me that you're not going to save me", he said outright. "Promise you won't do anything heroical or stupid, promise that you won't risk your own life, at least not for me."

She opened her mouth, startled, but he didn't let her speak.

"Your life is worth much more than mine", he continued, wanting her to understand his point of view. "You need to live. You **deserve** to live", he accentuated, for that was actually the biggest difference between them, or so he thought.  
"And if anyone has the skill and strength to survive all this, it's you. I need to know that you'll try", he finished insistently.

"Of course, I'll try", Brienne stuttered, slightly bewildered by his passion, "why wouldn't I-"

"No." Jaime shook his head, knowing exactly what she would say. "I don't mean just trying to stay alive as everybody does. I know you. You're the kind of person who sacrifices herself for someone else without even thinking about it. And...that's a very...beautiful and highly honourable quality", he ensured, for that was unquestionable, "but...I'm asking you to abandon it, just this once. I want you to think about you first, your own safety, your own survival. I know it sounds like I was asking you to be selfish and the reason I'm asking you is indeed selfishness. My own selfishness, because I need to know that you'll be alive. When I die... **if** I die", he corrected when he saw the look on her face, "I need to know that at least you will live."

Brienne stared at him, dumbstruck by the desperate sincerity in his voice and the tears she could see forming in his eyes. She had never seen him in such self-distress and that was what took her breath away - seeing the golden lion Jaime Lannister in a state of fear she could never have imagined. And above all, he was not afraid of dying. She knew that most people were afraid of death, but she had lost this fear a long time ago, and so had he. Their style of life didn't allow them to fear death, as it was a current companion on their path, never far away, almost never really out of sight. And now, that it was more tangible than ever...  
 _Everything he fears is that_ _ **I'**_ _m going to die..._

"Jaime...", she began, without really knowing what she wanted to say.  
How could she release him from his anxiety? How could she tell him that everything was going to be fine? How could she promise him to survive?  
She couldn't make promises she most likely wouldn't be able to keep. She couldn't lie to him. But she still had to try, had to say anything to ease his pain, at least for now, but what?

Brienne took a deep breath to gather her thoughts, before she took his hand in both of hers, demanding his attention. She looked into his eyes that gazed back at her, desperation and fear in their green depths that pierced her heart.

"Listen", she said unnecessarily as he was already totally focused on her. "Jaime, I-...I can't...promise you to survive. You know I'm not the person to take promises easily. No one can say what's going to happen, and I won't make any foolish presumptions..." His eyes widened, she knew he thought she was going to reject his request and she couldn't bear the look on his face, so she squeezed his hand reassuringly.  
"But", she quickly went on, "I have faith, Jaime. I believe we can make it, go through this together. We're going to look after each other", she said with a little smile, "just like we've done since the moment we met. Just think about how many times we already saved each other! If there are two people who can survive this, both, together, it's us!"  
His expression had changed during her speech, still slightly fearful, but also...awed?

"I wouldn't be alive if you hadn't come back that day...", she whispered then and he heard and saw in her eyes that there was something more behind her words, an unspoken question that seemed to have lingered in her for a long time.

"I had to", he answered it, knowing exactly what she was talking about.  
"You had saved me before", he explained. "I would have died, you know? After they took my hand... I wanted to die", Jaime admitted quietly. "I would have starved or...drowned myself in the mud if it hadn't been for you. You gave me the will to live. I still don't know why I wasn't aware of what you already meant to me then...I wondered, though...", he said with a little smile, "because there must have been something - otherwise, your words couldn't have had the effect they did..."

"We would both be long dead if it wasn't for the other."  
Jaime didn't reply, but he nodded in agreement and that was enough for Brienne to go on.

"We're stronger together, Jaime", she told him to his great surprise, for he knew how proud she had always been of her capability to defend herself, her independence, that she didn't need anyone but herself...  
"Don't you see?", she continued and yes, Jaime saw, saw it in her eyes, felt it as she stroked over his hand with her thumb as she spoke. "We got through so much already and I have faith that we'll manage to get through this as well. How many times were we close to death? How many times did everybody doubt that we would make it? But we always did, as unlikely as it may have seemed. And we will again. Together. I'm sure of it", she said with as much certainty and determination as she could muster.  
"Have faith, Jaime. Please...be strong like I know you can be...one last time", she finished", for me..."

He knew she was right. He should be strong. In any normal relationship, the roles should have been switched, he should have been the one to tell her to be strong, he knew that he should be... And how could he possibly refuse her anyway? So he nodded again, but nevertheless, he couldn't help the tears starting to roll down his cheeks and Brienne leaned forward to hug him.  
It was strange...ironic...telling her that he wanted to be strong and bursting into tears the next second, but somehow she knew that he needed this moment - a moment of weakness to gather his force. So she let him cry and shake, held him as he did so, whispered soothing words, listened to how his breathing began to calm. Finally, he leaned back, but still kept clutching at her hands, unable to break the contact completely.

"I'm sorry..."

Brienne smiled, a smile that told him that it was alright, that she didn't blame him, judge him or think him weak because of his outburst - a smile that told him that she understood, just as she always did, and once again, he could only wonder at how on earth he had come to deserve her.

"You're right", he finally pressed out. "We're in this together and we'll go through this together. It won't do any good to already worry about the future. As no one knows what it will bring", he added then, but more to convince himself than any other.

"No, no one does", Brienne confirmed, relieved and satisfied that he agreed with her.

They sat silently for a moment, looking around the room, following their own thoughts, still unconsciously holding hands.

"Can I stay?", Jaime finally broke the silence. He had asked her before, but felt the need to do it again after this. Also, he had never asked it that way, not once. It had always been her decision, a question if **she** wanted him to, not if he wanted. But he needed this now, needed her close, needed her comforting warmth and presence, just needed the knowledge that she was still there.

"Of course." He hadn't thought that she would reject him, but still, he breathed out in relief.

They crawled onto the bed, in their clothes as they were, both too tired and mentally exhausted from today's news to care.  
It had become kind of a habit that Jaime stayed in her room overnight, but still, he asked every single evening, giving her the possibility to say no. She never did, of course, but there was something liberating about the fact that he let her have this freedom of decision. The knowledge that everything happening when they were together was entirely her choice allowed Brienne to feel more relaxed and comfortable in his presence than she had ever been or even hoped to feel in anyone else's company before, so despite their...history...it was no big deal when they ley down beside each other and Jaime lifted his arm so she could cuddle against his chest, his left hand wrapped around her shoulders to keep her close.

It wasn't long after when he heard her breathing becoming deep and calm, the way he knew it meant that she had fallen asleep. But Jaime couldn't join her. Her words had helped him, but still, he wasn't able to keep his thoughts away from the insecurities of what lay before them.  
 _No one knows what the future holds_ , it echoed in his mind. It was true, he didn't know and neither did Brienne, but...

Jaime startled. He held his breath for a moment to assimilate the thought that had suddenly hit him. Brienne stirred in his arm and he looked down at her figure, finding back to a peaceful sleep.  
 _I can't lose you_ , he told her in his mind. _How would I be supposed to live without you?_  
She couldn't promise him that she would survive, he knew. She couldn't be sure about it...-  
But there was one person who possibly could, not even far away, someone within the walls of Winterfell...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote quite a long time at this last conversation and was not quite satisfied with it, but however. It kind of felt right like this. We need Jaime to show his emotions from time to time too, don't you think?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little Jaime-centered at first, but then we get back to the typical Jaime-Brienne-conversation. You might have noticed, this emotional talk stuff is just what I enjoy writing...
> 
> So, I hope you like it and thank you all so much for reading!

The Three-eyed-Raven sat in his chair under the heart tree in the godswood of his home castle. Or that it had been to his former self. Bran Stark had been at home here. He had been born, raised and educated here. Had learned to ride a horse, trained to shoot an arrow, dreamed to become a knight one day...here he had climbed the walls of the castle, had been told by his mother not to more times than he could count, and here he had been pushed from a tower, putting an end to his wishes for the future.  
But these things were all distant memories now. Memories from another life, another person. He knew his destiny had been written in stone a long time before the lion had sealed it.  
And now he sat here, waited, expected just this man who had once destroyed everything and yet opened the door to what Bran Stark had always been meant to become.

"Ser Jaime", he greeted with the back to the man he knew to be arriving by the sound of his footsteps.

"Did you know I would come?", Jaime asked suspiciously and the Three-eyed-Raven nodded.

"You saw it?" He nodded again.

"You see everything that's happening?"  
Jaime was still not used to this...person that Bran Stark was now. Every time he looked at him he saw the little boy, desperately clutching at the walls of the tower window.

"Yes."

"And what has already happened? Everywhere?"

"Yes. And some things that haven't even happened yet. And that's what you've come for, isn't it?", he asked then to Jaime's surprise. He shouldn't be surprised, though, but the thought that this young man he had once wronged so greatly was now able to foresee everything that would happen to him was alarming - even though Bran, or whoever he was now, had already assured him that he wasn't blaming him for anything.

"You want to ask me what's about to happen to Lady Brienne", the Raven continued quietly, a simple statement he knew to be true, "And to you as well, perhaps..."  
Jaime stayed silent, the last word echoed in his ears. _Perhaps..._  
Did he really want to know? He had wanted to, that was why he had come. He wanted to hear that everything would be alright, that he would live, that **she** would live, he would have given everything to have certainty - but what if Bran would reveal the opposite?  
So, now that he stood here, he wasn't so sure anymore. Bran seemed to know what was going through his head, for a knowing smile appeared on his lips. It was a strange sort of smile, emotionless, somehow, but then again - full of something Jaime couldn't quite put his finger on. Understanding? Compassion? Pity? Maybe just...knowledge.

"Do you want me to tell you?", the young man asked, his voice giving not a hint if he approved or not.

"N-No", Jaime heard himself say without having intended to and the Raven blinked, watched his unsure face for a moment.

"That's wise", he said then, startling Jaime by this remark.

"Wise?", he asked bewildered. "But isn't knowledge the foundation of wisdom?" Bran nodded.

"Indeed."

"And still, you call refusing it wise?" There was this strange knowing smile again.

"Not every knowledge is a gift, Ser Jaime", he told him. "Some can be a burden. Believe me", he said and for the first time, Jaime thought to hear a hint of emotion in his voice, but it was gone before he was sure it had actually been there. "I know it."

"But knowledge is power", Jaime objected.

"So they say."

"And what do you say?" Something in the Raven's face twitched, just for a second, before it became completely calm and expressionless again.

"Power is an interesting thing...", he began then, slowly, "it comes in so many forms and shapes. Titles, swords, money, knowledge, gods...If you put a king, a rich man, a Septon and a peasant with a sword in a room and tell the last to kill two of the others, who do you think is going to survive? The king because the peasant should be obliged to obey him? The rich man because he can pay for his life? The Septon because the Gods protect him?" Jaime didn't know how to answer, but gladly, the other didn't seem to expect him to.

"Power is so associated with achievement and status", he continued. "But that's what the world has made of it. People must understand that being powerful is something internal, something personal. It's a complexity of mind that allows one to be...genuinely decent. Having experience. Having curiosity. Being in the world in a way that allows everyone space, and yet, influences...And yes, wisdom is a part of it and knowledge helps one build this wisdom", he told Jaime, who was listening carefully, something in the young man's voice making him. "But my knowledge goes beyond all that. Knowing what I know doesn't give me the space I was talking about. It forces me to be who I've become. So, to answer your question: I don't feel powerful because of it, Ser Jaime." He sighed, a way of expressing feelings Jaime hadn't seen in him before and for a moment, Bran looked older, exhausted and tired.

"All these things I know about the future...", he quietly went on, "I know them, but that is all. I can't influence them, I can't change them. I just know they are going to happen and whether I like it or not, there's nothing I can do about it - does that sound like power to you?" Again, he continued without waiting for a reply and as he did so, the moment of tiredness was gone, lifted like a veil of mist, leaving him the usual unfathomable, calm creature.

"But then again, why should I be more powerful than others? People always crave to know about their future. They try to flee from their destiny, only to run towards it blindly..." The Raven trailed off, his gaze wandered into the distance and he stayed quiet, forcing Jaime to finally say something himself.

"I've never seen it that way", he admitted.

"Of course not", the Raven said emotionlessly, not a hint of judgement in his voice. "No one does. That's why they do what they do - without being aware of it. Seeing and understanding is what I'm supposed to do."

"Must be an ungrateful duty."

"Indeed", the other confirmed, "But we all have our place in this world, Ser Jaime. I've found mine. And you're about to find yours." That startled Jaime once more.

"Does that mean I'm not going to die?"  
The question was out before he could stop it from escaping. He hadn't wanted to ask, but his tongue didn't seem to follow orders while in the presence of this strange and interesting young man.

"I didn't say that", he stated now. "But neither did I say the opposite. The only thing I can do is recommend you to follow the advice I know you've already been given. Have faith, Jaime Lannister. You still have a part to play."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Jaime passed the gates of Winterfell, walking, hoping that a bit time outside alone would help him to clear his head.

_We all have a place in this world, Ser Jaime. I've found mine. And you're about to find yours..._

_I'm about to find mine_ , he repeated for the hundredth time. Jaime had once thought to know where his place was. He thought to know where he belonged. _To Cersei..._

It had been his only impetus in life. Every decision he had made had been to guarantee that he could be close to his sister. They had been inseparable as children, not even their father could tell them apart. In their adolescence, something had begun to change between them, the attraction had become different, unlike anything he had ever experienced before, until it finally turned into an addiction, while he kept telling himself that it was love.  
When their father sent her away to the capital, he had argued until he agreed to let him go as well, apparently to get better training. The day she married Robert Baratheon, he had smashed the furniture of his room into pieces. He had given up everything - his lands, his title, his right to inherit -, had taken the white cloak, just to be able to keep close to her. She had been his everything and he had been hers. Once.  
Until the day he was captured by the Young Wolf, the day that had changed everything without him even knowing. Still, he had kept trying, doing everything to get back to her, only to find that nothing was the same when he finally returned after more than a year.

Jaime would never forget the look she gave him when she turned around that day, the long golden locks framing her beautiful face, the green eyes filled with shock, then a sort of revulsion he knew only too well. He had seen it countless times, but never when she looked at him.  
That was when he knew that he had lost it. Lost whatever his sister might have felt towards him, might have seen in him. Her strong golden lion was gone. All she could stare at was the part of him that was gone, leaving him only a maimed shadow of his former self in her eyes - broken, destroyed and unworthy.  
He hadn't wanted to believe it, had tried to talk himself into thinking that he didn't see what he saw in her eyes, that it didn't mean what he knew it meant.

 _A work of art, really_ , her new little lackey Qyburn had said when he fixed the golden hand on Jaime's stump for the first time. Jaime himself couldn't disagree more. He looked down at it, a hideous lump of golden gilded steel, grossly ornate even judged by a Lannister, weighty, impractical - it was simply ridiculous. He had hated the bloody thing from the first second, but he had held his tongue, as it was a **gift** from his beloved sister.  
For Cersei, it had been a way to rid her of the disgusting sight of his stummp that made her aware of what her once so handsome knight in shining golden armour had become, had made of himself.  
For him, it was only a burden, a mocking chain around his wrist to cover up another of his family's dirty little secrets.

 _A lie_ , Jaime thought. _Nothing but a lie._

He should be used to it. His whole life had consisted of lies. Their father's love for his children. Cersei's love for him. That Tyrion was accepted as a Lannister. Cersei's marriage to Robert. His relation to his three children. His knighthood, his white cloak, his honour - lies, all of it, one bigger than the next, everything for the sake of appearances...

And the bloody thing on his wrist was yet another lie, a Lannister lie to hide the shame beneath it.  
And it had been **her** again. He didn't think of his stump as shameful, at least not anymore. It reminded him of Brienne. Of their time together, of the man he had become - still tried to become - for her, because of her.

Jaime stopped in his walk and looked down at the heavy golden thing attached to his body.  
 _Why am I still wearing it anyway?_ Habit, probably.  
He looked around, so caught in his thoughts and memories that he hadn't been paying attention to where he was going. Now he realised that his feet had led him to a corner on the grounds around Winterfell Brienne had shown him when he first arrived in the North, before all of it had happened.  
 _No wonder,_ he thought. His body always seemed to seek a connection to her in any way, even or especially when it was unconsciously.  
In front of him was a lake, surrounded by old crooked trees, some barren branches reaching over the water. He liked the calmness of this place. The surface was like a mirror, still and without movement, a veil of cold and silence hanging over everything so that the scene appeared almost frozen - quite the contrary to how it looked inside of Jaime and the muddled mess that was his head.

Led by a sudden and uncontrollable desire to be rid of it, Jaime hurriedly opened the leather straps fastening the golden hand around his wrist. The fingers of his left hand were stiff and clumsy, even more so because of the cold and desperate haste, but he finally managed to free himself and without giving it a second thought he threw the goddamn thing into the lake.  
He closed his eyes, felt the lightness of his arm, listened to the splashing sound when the hand touched the water and imagined how it sank down into the depths of cold wet darkness, taking all the bad memories and lies of his life with it to vanish into the seas of oblivion.

When he opened his eyes again, Jaime could see the waves that had formed around the spot where his hand had drowned. He watched how they began to calm until the last traces of turmoil were gone and the water was silent again - like a mirror of his soul.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

"Where have you been?"  
Brienne didn't want to sound reproachful when Jaime entered her room this evening. She was relieved to see him, above all, but she wasn't able to suppress the undertone completely.

"Out", he replied quite shortly. "I needed some time to think."

"Hm." Her eyes followed him from the bed the was sitting on as he made his way across the room to hang his coat over the chair by the fire she kept burning as always. He threw a glance at her while taking off his shawl and couldn't help noticing the suspicious way her brow was furrowed, as if she had a feeling that there was more to it than he told her...but her voice didn't give any of those feeling away when she spoke again.  
"I was looking for you the whole day." Jaime paused in his movement.

"Sorry", he said warmly, realising that he had been so caught in his own thoughts that it had never even occurred to him she might worry as well. "I should have told you that I left." Something flickered in her eyes and it made Jaime stir inside. Surely, she didn't think-, his brain broke off guiltily.  
"But...you knew I wasn't... **gone** , didn't you?" There was the flicker again.

"Yes", Brienne said, but he heard her light-heartedness was at least partly pretended. "I-I mean...yes, of course."  
She looked down at her hands and Jaime followed the urge to walk towards her, where he kneeled down and lay his hand on her knee, demanding her attention.

"I'm never going to leave you again, Bri. I hope you know that", he said firmly and he meant it.

Deep inside, she did know. But she hadn't been able to help it nevertheless when she noticed the slight feeling of panic digging its way to the surface when she couldn't find him during the day. "Sure."

"Good", he said, although he still saw the distress in her eyes. "Nevertheless, I'm sorry. I should have told you I was away."

"You don't need to apologize", Brienne interjected softly. "It's not that you had any duty or obligation towards me."

It was true, he actually hadn't, but if he was honest with himself, he wanted to. He wanted to be...bound to her. But before he had the possibility to approach that subject in any way, she spoke again.

"Jaime, your hand..." She looked at him surprised, questioningly, when she realised his right wrist was bare.

"Oh yes, that."

"Where-?"

"Away", he quickly cut her off. "I got rid of it. It just didn't feel right. Not anymore. It never did, actually, but certainly not now. You don't mind, do you?", he added then slightly unsure.

"Of course not, why would I?" _Because everybody else does_ , Jaime silently answered her question and was once again fascinated by the way she was different, the way she never reacted like people usually did. How could someone be so good and unique?, he asked himself for the thousandth time.  
Just as he thought so, she carefully touched his arm to underline her words, just a featherlight brush of her fingertips, but still, it made Jaime shiver slightly.

"Does it still hurt?" She sounded honestly concerned and he shook his head with a soothing smile.

"It's just...a strange sensation", he tried to explain. "No one touches it, usually. People find it...repulsive. Disgusting."

"I could never be disgusted by anything about you", she said almost absentmindedly while examining what he had hidden for most of the time until now. Jaime smiled at this innocent sincerity that seemed to be reserved just for her.

"And...it's like this because of me." He was startled by this unexpected remark.

"No." He shook his head, glad when she looked up at him. "No, that's not true. I don't want you to think that."

"But if you hadn't saved me...-"

"-...it wouldn't have changed anything", he interrupted her. "My arrogance did this. I should have been happy when they brought you back. I should have been satisfied that you were safe..." He shivered at the memory of her cries in the darkness of the forest when Locke's men had dragged her away. Sometimes, he still had nightmares about that night, nightmares about him being unable to help her and her screaming and crying while they did with her as they liked until they brought her back in the morning, bruised and broken or even dead...  
Brienne noticed the horrified expression on his face, although she didn't know where it came from, and took his hand in a gesture of support. The corner of his mouth twitched in a thankful smile.  
"But I thought I could talk Locke into sending us back to King's Landing", Jaime continued. "I thought my name and my father would buy me my freedom. And I was wrong." He raised the stump to prove his point, smiling sadly. "But don't you ever think that it was your fault. There was nothing you could have done."

"Still, I'm sorry", she whispered and he shook his head once more.

"I'm not", he said to her great surprise. "Not anymore."

"But...you said-"

"I know what I said", he interrupted her, remembering the night at the campfire just as well as she seemed to. "There was a time when I thought I was nothing without this hand", he confirmed, "And maybe I was, at first. But you taught me otherwise. Who knows if I would ever have left my sister if I hadn't returned to her being worthless in her eyes?", he finished and felt a shiver running down his spine at this horrifying possibility.  
But Brienne didn't notice, lost in her own thoughts about the time she had spend in the capital after returning Jaime to his family, especially her encounter with Cersei at King Jeoffrey's wedding.

"She blamed me too, I think", she thought aloud. "For bringing her back another Jaime than the one she had lost." Jaime had to agree.

"Well, you were indeed partly responsible. But not for the hand", he accentuated again. "And even if you were - ", he continued insistently, "I'd do it all again. Honestly, Brienne, I would do it all again if it was a step leading me in the right direction. Leading me to you..." A smile spread across her face, one of those honest smiles that lit up her face in the most beautiful way he could imagine. Some moments passed in silence and Jaime watched her expression, her eyes that wandered over him until they finally settled on the stump again.

"I'm glad you got rid of it", she told him suddenly. "I never thought it suited you."  
She ran her fingers over the scarred flesh and Jaime couldn't help sucking some air through his teeth at the sensation. She hesitated, gave him a questioning look, but there was only warmth and awe speaking from his eyes.

"Don't stop", he whispered. "I like the feeling. It's just...unfamiliar. Not quite the same as having a proper hand, but...more sensitive, somehow. Heat and cold, you know." Her mouth twitched understandingly and she continued the careful attentions. Silence again, then...

"It's nice...being able to touch you like this." Her soft voice was just loud enough for him to understand, her eyes still lowered to his arm. "I never thought-" She broke off, but he knew exactly what she didn't manage to say aloud, he heard it in the tone of her voice, saw it on her face, and it pierced his heart once again.

He had always known that there was barely another woman in the world who was less than Cersei. There was a huge amount of differences between them, but at this moment, he saw the biggest one clearer than ever. Cersei had been denied what she wanted in life and as a consequence, it had changed her personality bit by bit, until there was nothing left than obsessiveness and cruelty. _To the proud Lannister children_ , he remembered his brother saying, _the dwarf, the cripple and the mother of madness._ It had been a joke to cheer him up, then, but maybe there was more truth to the last one than Jaime had wanted to acknowledge.

Brienne had also been denied the things she wanted, but it had made her take an entirely different path. It had made her determined, stubborn and above all, ascetic. Instead of punishing the world and everyone around her for refusing her as Cersei did, she had chosen to turn the blame towards herself, letting her believe that she wouldn't be granted anything, that she should expect nothing because she wasn't worth it anyway.

"I had dreamed about this for such a long time before it finally became reality", he admitted, hoping that it would make her understand how much she deserved. "Even before I was aware of my feelings for you. At first, I told myself it was only curiosity, but.." He stroked over her cheek with the back of his hand and she closed her eyes - but something in the way her breath stopped at his touch made him hesitate.

"Bri...", he asked carefully, "when was the last time you've been touched?" She opened her eyes and blinked in confusion.

"W-what sort of question is this?", she demanded back, but something told him she knew the answer. "I'm training every day, people touch me all the time-"

"No that's...that's not what I was talking about", he cut her off. "Affectionate touches", he clarified for her sake.

"Apart from you and...?" She blushed slightly and Jaime almost chuckled at the fact that she still couldn't talk about such things without being embarrassed, but he held himself together and simply nodded.

"Hmm.." Her brow furrowed, telling him that she really had to think about it, had to remember it, and it saddened him more than he could say.

"Must have been in my childhood, I suppose", she said then slowly. "My parents...especially my mother, before she died..." Jaime should have expected it after what she had already told him about her past, the engagements and everything, but hearing that she had never experienced any kind of compassion or affection, let alone love and tenderness...

"You've missed so much", she heard him say and hesitantly looked into his eyes, afraid that she would find pity in them - but there was only sadness looking back, sorrow and something else she couldn't put her finger on...almost like...guilt?  
"We've both missed so much", he went on, "wasted so much time...Why did we fight it for so long?"

"We had our reasons", she smiled sadly.

"Indeed." Jaime sighed. "Nobility, I bet", he said then and she looked at him in confusion. "Your reason, I mean", he explained. "I was your prisoner, you were sworn to Catelyn Stark...your vocation didn't allow you any...emotional entanglements." He raised his eyebrows knowingly and they both laughed lightly at his choice of words, but he saw that she shook her head while she did so.

"You think too highly of me", Brienne told him then. "And I fear I must disappoint you. You mistake my reasoning." She sighed.  
"I wish I could say it was something as honourable as nobility, but the sad truth is...I kept it a secret out of shame."

"Shame?", he asked, completely dumbstruck at first, but then something seemed to click in his head and she saw how his eyes hardened just a bit.  
"Of me", he stated calmly and it wasn't a question.

"No!", Brienne contradicted him immediately, "Not of you! Of myself", she clarified to resolve further misunderstanding.

"What do you mean?"

"Jaime..." He was sorry that she sounded so desperate, but he needed to understand. "You know I was never very confident about myself when it comes to things like that. Can't you imagine what that meant for me?" By the look on his face, he couldn't.

"I was ashamed of the poor offering I thought myself to be", Brienne explained quietly and watched several emotions flushing over his face - realisation, shock, surprise, before it settled on disbelief.

"As opposed to me?", he asked doubtingly, "A one-handed Kingslayer?" He looked at her, eyebrows raised and she had laughed if the subject hadn't been so serious.

"Don't do that...", she said, trying to sound convincing, "you make me sound completely ridiculous."

"Well, maybe you are."

"Maybe..." Brienne sighed again. "But still. You were Jaime Lannister. And I was afraid of your reaction. To see the horror on your face if you ever found out about my love for you."

"But you never saw that, did you?", he said, cupping her cheek with his hand once more. "And you never will. Brienne, anyone who would react like that wouldn't be worthy of you anyway." She smiled, knowing that he was sincere and just grateful that everything had turned out as it had. She lay her own hand over his and intertwined their fingers, placed a quick kiss on his palm before bringing them down to rest in her lap.

"What about you?", she asked then, interested to know his side.

"Me?"

"Was it only your sister that held you back?"

"She was a big part of it, yes...", Jaime began slowly, "but then again", he shrugged his shoulders. "I think it was just what I do."

"I don't understand."

"Hiding", he simply said. "I've spent all my life hiding. Hiding my relationship with Cersei from our father and later from the whole world. Hiding the fact that I was a father myself. Hiding my feelings for you...from Cersei, from you..." He looked down at their still joined hands, playing with her fingers as he went on. "Maybe I simply became so good at hiding that I started to hide my feelings from myself. I've never been able to just love anyone in front of others", he told her truthfully, "But I must say that I like it so far. Very much." He smiled and saw it mirrored by Brienne.

"So do I."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Daenerys and Jon Snow had arrived the evening before, and with her the Queen brought two dragons and bad news.  
They were coming. It was merely a day, maybe two. Sansa told them at breakfast. So their return was literally not a second too soon to organize the attack that was likely to take place in the evening of the next day. They had left Tyrion and Ser Davos in the capital as planned, a circumstance that left Jaime with mixed emotions. He was glad to know his little brother in safety, of course. Tyrion's primal merits had always been wit and words more than steel and sword, so Jaime knew that he would be of much more use in King's Landing. It had surely been the reasonable thing to do, leaving him with the responsibility of ruling in Daenery's absence and he couldn't deny that he gave the Queen great credit for being so sensible and trusting. But still, Jaime missed his brother. He'd given anything for the chance to talk to him one last time before he died - and he was almost certain that he would. He decided to write a letter, just in case...it was hardly the same as a conversation eye to eye, but it was everything that was at his disposal.

His thoughts were disturbed by Brienne, who immediately got up from the breakfast table as soon as Lady Sansa had finished. Jaime didn't wonder that she did so, watched her as she turned around without a word and left the Great Hall. But he didn't need her to say it, he knew where she was going, so he got up as well and followed her.  
On his way, he could watch the Queen sailing over Winterfell on the back of the big black dragon.  
 _Dark wings, dark words_ , Jaime thought as Drogon disappeared out of sight. _An old saying, but she truly brings a new ring to it_.  
He went on and wasn't surprised when he found Brienne in the training yard where he had suspected her to be, already in the middle of cutting a straw puppet into pieces.

"Bri", he said calmly when he approached her, receiving no reaction at all.

"Bri, stop", he said again, firmer this time, but still soft. She gave no sign that she had heard him, although he was sure she had.

"Brienne", he said a third time, stepping forward and grabbing her right arm to make her stop. Brienne didn't look at him, but she didn't fight him off either. She let the sword sink, remained motionless, frozen like the ground in front of her she was staring at.

"Hey", Jaime whispered softly and stroked over the back of her hand with his thump in a soothing way. Her fingers clutched around the hilt of her training sword. She barely used Oathkeeper for training, he noticed, every bit the experienced and responsible knight, knowing she had to keep it from wear.

"What are you doing?"

"I need to train." Her voice was weak. Everything but convincing.

"No, you don't."

"No, I don't", she repeated in an expressionless whisper. "But it's the only thing I can think of. What else can I do?" The hopelessness in her voice made something inside of him contract painfully.

"Live", he said, hoping that he sounded encouraging. "I know, the thought that everything could be over after tomorrow...it's horrifying", he admitted, "But it won't do any good to spend your possibly last day in this world in a daze. You know there is no point in training now, it won't make a difference. Please", he finished softly, "don't waste the time we've got left..."  
Brienne stayed silent. She didn't even look up from the ground and Jaime was already losing all hope that she would listen to him, when she suddenly closed her eyes and sighed deeply.

"You're right", she said then as she finally looked at him and Jaime smiled in relief.

"Let's spend the day together", he proposed immediately and she nodded.

"How about going somewhere...outside?", she suggested. "Somewhere silent. Where we're alone. I don't want to think or talk about...I can't-", she trailed off and he squeezed her arm supportively, signalising her that he understood and that he knew exactly how she felt.

"That's alright", he assured her. "The lake?" Brienne nodded again.

"Let me prepare some things. I'll see you in half an hour?"

"I'll ready the horses."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Daenerys and Jaime coincidentally crossed each other in one of the corridors when he made his way to the stables where he was about to meet Brienne. He wasn't sure if he had ever seen the Queen this near since his trial and he couldn't fail to acknowledge that Daenerys Targaryen was every bit the descendant of the noble house whose name she bore. Her figure small and feminine, almost fragile, the artfully braided white hair framing her beautiful face, and yet, she radiated a strength and sublimity that clearly distinguished her the Queen she was.

"Ser Jaime", she greeted politely, but rather cold as they approached each other.

"Your Grace", Jaime nodded in return. He passed her quickly and was already about to continue his way when she called him again and he stopped, turning around in surprise.

"Ser, I'd like to have a quick word, if that would be possible", she told him unexpectedly friendly.

"Of course, Your Grace."  
Jaime wondered what she might want with him and although he wasn't very comfortable in her presence, he could hardly reject her.

"Follow me", Daenerys said and turned around without waiting for a response. Jaime did as he was asked. She led him on a balcony, out of earshot from the corridors so it granted a bit more privacy.

"Ser, you know I'm not your biggest supporter", Daenerys began straightforwardly as soon as her feet had stopped.

"I can hardly blame you for being...prejudiced, Your Grace." The Queen scrutinized him suspiciously, apparently trying to figure out how to estimate him.

"However", she continued slowly after a few seconds, "I can assure you that you have nothing to fear from me. You're a guest at Winterfell, not unlike myself."

"I'm glad to hear it", Jaime replied, just as unsure about her intentions as she obviously was about his.

"Although I won't deny that I **am**...prejudiced, as you call it", the Dragon Queen confirmed. "And I can't promise that it will change in the near future, or ever. There are too many...inconsistencies in your history...Killing my father and now your sister - Tell me, what am I supposed to make of such unpredictability?" He could read nothing from her face or her voice and he had to admit that she was quite skilled in wearing the masque of indifference, but perhaps you had to when you had gone through everything she had.

"Pardon me if you think me impertinent, but you don't know me, Your Grace", Jaime dared to point out. He knew it might be risky, but he thought it best to speak as openly as possible. There were already too many inconsistencies between the two of them, he didn't need to add more to the amount of mistrust. Daenerys raised an eyebrow, surprised by his boldness, but she nodded.

"No. I don't", she granted him.

"Then how are you to judge who I am or if I'm worth a second chance?", he asked rather challenging, encouraged by her agreement. He watched her face, but it gave nothing away. Her expressionless silence made him feel unsure though, and he feared he might have overstepped the line.

"I'm sorry if I went too far", he added therefore, hoping to sound polite, if perhaps not obsequious. "You're my Queen, I shouldn't speak like that."

"No, you should not", she confirmed, but there was a hint of something else in her voice...you couldn't quite call it softness, but it was certainly something Jaime wouldn't have expected.  
"Although," she then went on as she turned away from him and let her gaze wander into the distance, "there might be some truth in your words." She threw a quick glance at him and he even thought to notice a little amused twitch in the corner of her mouth at his obvious astonishment.  
"Or so your brother would say." This woke Jaime's interest even more.

"Tyrion?"  
 _Of course_ , he thought, _I should have known._  
"He asked you to reconsider your opinion of me", he said, more an observation than a question.

"He did indeed. And as little as I might be convinced of your trustworthiness", Daenerys looked back at him and for the first time, he was sure to see real fondness in her eyes, "your brother is one of my most loyal advisors. I could always rely on his council and he has never given me any cause to question him or his wisdom. I trust him completely." He could see that she meant it and for the first time, Jaime meant to understand what his brother saw in her.

"That trust is mutual, I can assure you", Jaime told her truthfully. "Tyrion has always been...careful with his devotion. To anyone but himself, for that matter. But I have no doubt that he truly believes in you."

"And, as it seems, he believes in you as well", the Queen noted. "He asked me to deliver this to you." She handed him a piece of paper, addressed to him in Tyrion's handwriting - apparently his brother had come ahead of him with his thought about letters.  
"He apologizes for not being able to tell you in person, but he has to rule a capital, I fear."

"Thank you, Your Grace", Jaime bowed politely, feeling that her matter was done and he had been dismissed. She nodded in return and he turned around to leave, but after a few steps, just as he reached the bow marking the entry to the corridor, he stopped and turned to her once more.  
"If I might be so free to say so, Your Grace...", Jaime said politely, but with more affection than he had ever thought to bring up towards her, "I hope that we both turn out to deserve the faith my brother puts in us."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

They had spent most of the day sitting in silence, leaning against each other with their eyes closed or their gaze lost in the distance. Words were unnecessary. There were none that would have made their situation any better and they knew it. At some point, they had finally broken the motionlessness, looked at each other, stood up in silent but mutual agreement and returned to Winterfell.

Now they were back in Brienne's room, and as she stoked the fire like she had done so many times before, the finality of what was about to happen hit her again. It had all started right here, the first time they had been together. And since then, how many nights had they spent in this bed? It had actually been only around two months and yet, to Brienne, it felt as if everything that had happened before Jaime had been someone else's life, not her own. Somehow, it felt like they had been together forever, and yet not nearly long enough. There was so much more she wanted to do, wanted to share with him and the thought that it would never happen, that everything would most likely be over by tomorrow forced her to finally open her mouth.

"Jaime...I-" Her voice was weak and her throat felt a bit wound.

"Shhh", he silenced her, for he couldn't stand to see her in such distress. He knew what she wanted to say and yet couldn't. It was the same that was stuck in his throat. "I know. Me too."

"It's just...", Brienne tried desperately, "I love you so much and- I can't...I-"

"Don't", he cut her off again as softly as he could. "Don't talk. There's nothing you need to say", he assured her again. "I already know."

She nodded and a few moments of silence passed where he listened to her heavy breathing as she tried to calm herself.

"Bri", he then began quietly, "I know we agreed that we would take our time, go slowly, and I'm glad that we did, but-...", he paused, hoping that she wouldn't get a false impression. "Don't get me wrong", he therefore went on, "I've been perfectly happy these last few weeks with you the way it was, happier than I ever was or even dared to hope, and I won't push you to do anything you don't want", he assured her sincerely. "If you're not ready, I understand and I'll accept it, but I just thought- as this might be our last night, you know...but really, one word from you-" She silenced him by putting a finger against his lips.

"I think I am ready. It's alright. And...I want to be close to you..."

And then her lips were on his or maybe the other way round, neither did they know who had stepped forward nor care as three hands began to pull shirts out of waistbands.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Jaime lay in their bed, eyes open, staring at the ceiling. Brienne stirred beside him. He didn't know how he had managed to make her finally go to sleep, as restless and troubled as it might be, he was glad that she slept at all - but he couldn't. Although they had been able to share one last moment of blissful happiness, to forget about what was to come even for only a few hours, he couldn't prevent the hard truth from returning to him, leaving him far from finding any peace or rest. He had just read Tyrion's letter and the tears were still streaming silently over his cheeks and into his beard.

 _Dear Jaime_ , his brother's voice echoed in his ears as if he had rather heard him say the words than read them, _if it weren't for you, I never would have survived my childhood. You were the only one who didn't treat me like a monster. You were all I had..._

Rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand, Jaime reached to his side and opened the drawer of his bedside table to find a piece of paper and a pencil. Thankfully, the fire spent enough light, so he used a book to write on and flattened the paper with his hand.

_Dearest brother,_

_I don't need to waste time or paper by telling you what we're about to face here. Unnecessary to point out that our chances and mine especially are less than unlikely. The Queen delivered your message and it might surprise you to hear that I might have gotten a glimpse of why you decided to follow her. I really hope she's worth your trust and that I am as well. I've done many things in my life I'm not proud of, but the one thing I certainly don't regret was to love you, Tyrion. I hope you know how much I do, despite the rest of the world and above all our family, if they deserved to be called that after all. I always thought the name Lannister would tell me where I belonged, but I know I was wrong. It took me much longer than you to discover it, but then, you've always been the smart one. But all that matters is that I've finally found my place and I hope you can be proud of me now - I'm certainly proud of you. Father always hoped I would be the heir he wished for, behaved as if I was his only son and that seems even more ironic to me regarding the fact that I have never been like him in any way - No, Tyrion,_ _**you** _ _are Tywin Lannisters son. Perhaps things would have turned out differently if he just hadn't been too proud to see it. If there is a life after death, I hope he spends it watching us and finally realizing what a fool he has been his whole life to rely on me instead of you. You're his heir in every possible way, so it's not hard for me to confirm that Casterly Rock is yours as well. It should always have been yours by right, and after my death, there can be no one left to question it. I hope you find your place there as I've found mine here. I can truly say that I've experienced what it feels like to be happy and that's what I wish for you as well._

_You were the only real family I had before I found Brienne, I love you._

_Jaime_


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna be honest with you: I didn't like writing the first half of this. I was slightly unmotivated...I knew I had to write something about the fight now, but I can't, I'm not good at it, and I still hate it but anyway, it's not going to get better so here we are.

Blood. There was blood everywhere. Blood pounding in his ears, blood dripping from the wound on his right arm, blood seeping from the dead that lay all around them, the red liquid that had once been the essence of their life leaving their bodies to water the grounds of Winterfell.  
Jaime had no idea how long they were already standing here, fighting against and slaying down one wight after the next, the unstoppable flow too fast and too strong to even give them time to breathe or think. Brienne was pressed against the wall beside him, just as sweaty and blood-stained as he certainly looked himself, but he knew it was not her own blood as she stabbed the enemies with the skill and strength that distinguished her as the knight she was - a determination shining from her eyes every time he dared to throw a quick glance at her that made him feel equally proud and unreasonably confident. If there was a chance for someone to survive this, it would be her.

The noise around Jaime was overpowering. His own heartbeat, the clashing of steel on steel, sword on sword. He had liked this sound. Once. Before he became who he was now. Before he lost his hand. Before he met Brienne. It had been like a song to him, the fight like a dance, everything a game and one that he was skilled in playing and never lost.  
Now, the sound of the swords was accompanied by the painful screams of those who were hit. People fell at every side, wounded, dead. He didn't know where to look first, where to turn, who -or what- to concentrate on. He drove his sword through another one of the cold dead bodies that had come only to kill them, impossible to tell how many.  
 _How many men have you killed, M'lord?_ , Qyburn had asked once.  
 _Countless_. Even just in the last few hours, provided that these things could still be called _men_ after all. _Countless. Countless. Countless._

He and Brienne had stood side by side before the battle had started, waiting. Jaime had taken her hand and when she looked at him, he saw the same mixture of fear and resolution in her eyes that he felt himself.  
 _Remember what we spoke of_ , he had said. _No heroic feats_. Brienne had just nodded.  
Now he saw her fighting with two wights at once, every time she managed to drive back one of them, the other would rush forward to attack again. Jaime wanted to help her just as he was distracted by a third that came towards him from the side, but he made short shift of it and turned his attention back to Brienne. She seemed to finally get ahead of them, Oathkeeper sirring through the air faster than Jaime could look and forcing one wight back far enough so she had time to finish the other. After that, the second all on his own wasn't so much of a bother for her skills. Panting, she started pulling her sword out of the body - a second of rest, as it seemed...

And that was the second Jaime's heart stopped. There was another, approaching Brienne from behind, without her noticing. He called her, but his voice disappeared in the muddle of other sounds surrounding them. Funnily, all the noise seemed to vanish for Jaime himself, everything but his own heartbeat filling his ears. He didn't even know that he had started to move when he was already running, the world around him standing still.  
Then he reached her just as she turned around, but he had already thrown himself between her and the wight's sword, the only thing he could think of at this moment that he needed to prevent its blade from touching her. The sword glided along his shoulder, if it cut him he couldn't tell. There was no pain, but he knew that was no proof that he hadn't been hurt. The flow of a fight. The exertion. The adrenaline. All preventing him from any sensation.  
He felt how his side hit the ground, but still managed to make the wight fall down as well. He heard Brienne gasp in shock behind him when the dead creature crawled over him, he tried to fight it off, but it had pinned his left arm to the ground - the right useless as ever, pressing against the cold body in vain. The smell of decomposition filled Jaime's nose, almost making him retch. The sharp scent stang in his eyes and he was sure that he would have felt the wight's breath on his face if the thing would still have been breathing.  
He tried to keep a clear head, but then, before he even knew what had happened, the pain his body had held back before suddenly hit him.  
"Jaime!", he heard a familiar voice, the voice of a woman.  
 _Brienne_ , his head managed to identify. He had to stay awake, had to stay with her, to protect her, but he was so incredibly tired...  
The world went still and silent around him when he felt a weight pulled off of his chest and a blurred head with dirty blonde hair appeared in his sight for a moment.  
"Jaime!", he heard again. He liked that voice. And the name. Not "Kingslayer". Jaime.  
He could be glad it was the last thing he heard before the world went black.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Brienne didn't leave his bedside. She sat in a chair or walked up and down, back and forth, restless day and night. In the beginning, Podrick or Sansa came from time to time, suggesting that they could take over for a while so she could find some rest, but she always refused and no one dared to argue with her. She wouldn't have found peace anyway. When she slept, it was sitting in the wooden chair by his side and she would wake up in the middle of the night, neck stiff and back aching, but none of that was of importance. She spent hours just sitting in silence and listening to his uneven and flat breathing, always fearing that it would stop completely, but it never happened.  
She spoke to him when she was alone. The Maester said he probably couldn't hear her, but she didn't care. It made her feel better, somehow. She told him what had happened, Arya, the Night King and everything afterwards. She told him what they could do when he would wake up and return to her. She knew it was stupid and sentimental, perhaps even pathetic, but she couldn't let go of her dreams, **their** dreams, not yet, not until...  
And sometimes, she would just whisper his name. To remind him of who he was, perhaps. To remind her of who he had been. Or just to hear the sound, feel the taste of it on her tongue. She didn't know. Jaime. Just Jaime, leaving her lips like a prayer. Jaime. Jaime.

He had lied to their prisoners once...to save her.

He had jumped into a bear pit without a weapon...saving her again.

He had honoured his pledge to ride North...for her.

He had been vouched for during his trial in Winterfell...by her.

He had left to face the capital and the danger that awaited him there, had killed his sister...for her.

And now, he had faced the Army of the Dead...by her side.

Would he also be damned to give his life...for her?

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Jaime lay in total darkness.  
 _Death_ , he thought. Was he dead? It had most certainly felt like dying. But shouldn't there be...something, then? Anything? Was this death? Just being surrounded by nothing?  
Nothing but one thing. Two things. Darkness. Darkness and voices. He heard them, sometimes. Or just this one, the one he had heard just before he died. It was a welcome change, hearing them, especially the most frequent one. He liked the sound of it, although he couldn't understand what it said most of the time. Just one word. Jaime.  
He knew that word. Or at least he thought he should know. It sounded familiar. It was a name, for sure. Someone he knew? Or was he just imagining that? Was he going mad? Could dead people go mad? Certainly, if death was just **this** \- voices in the dark, being surrounded by nothing for eternity. Dreadful thought. Probably you would get sick of the voices sooner or later too. But not yet. He liked to listen to them, tried to imagine what they might say, might want, and at some point, he was quite sure they were calling for him.  
He wanted to follow that call. He would have liked to. He just wasn't sure how. But maybe he would find out.

He did. And that was when he opened his eyes to something else but darkness.

Brienne was the first thing he saw.  
 _How appropriate._ She was sitting in a wooden chair next to the bed he was lying in, her chin sunken down on her chest, her head supported by one of her hands with her elbow on the armrest. She was sleeping, apparently.  
Or were they both dead?  
 _No_ , he discovered, looking around the room. This was her chamber at Winterfell. He would have recognized these surroundings everywhere, as it had been within these four walls that he had spent the happiest weeks of his life so far.  
Jaime breathed out in relief. Then they had to be alive. She was alive and so was he, as it seemed, unless he was a ghost, but that sounded rather improbable. So they really had survived...  
Jaime tried to move upwards to a sitting position, an exceedingly difficult task with only one hand anyway, and now to make matters worse his head was hammering at every movement. Brienne stirred at the sound of the rustling bedsheets and her eyes flew open, blinking several times to chase away the drowsiness before they settled on his smiling face.

"Hey", she whispered emotionlessly at first, but the mixture of shock, surprise and enormous relief was clearly speaking from the blue depths of her eyes. She watched how his gaze darted through the room, maybe trying to orientate, and finally returning to her face.

"I'm alive", he just said. Brienne couldn't help but smile at that.

"Of course, you are", she replied, slightly shaking her head in relief and amusement. "I would have killed you if you'd dared to die", she added in pretended seriousness, delighted to see a smirk form on his lips as well.

"In that case, I can't let you become a murderer...", he muttered, shifting a little and starting a second try in bringing himself in a more upright position. Brienne helped him without needing to be asked and he grinned gratefully when she placed a pillow in his back.

"What happened?", he asked when he was finally comfortably settled. "Seems we won or neither of us would be here right now", he added and Brienne nodded gravely.

"Arya", she explained, short and crisp. "She stabbed the Night King with a dagger. Valyrian steel."

"Arya?" Jaime raised an eyebrow. "The little wolf?"  
Brienne looked unimpressed.

"She's tougher than she looks", she simply stated, perhaps with a little more sharpness to her tongue than intended, but it only made Jaime smile to himself.  
If there was a man in Westeros who was well acquainted with tough women, it was him.

"Oh, I know", he assured her. "Must be in the family. Catelyn. Sansa. I've long stopped to wonder about the Stark-women", he said truthfully and watched how Brienne obviously tried and failed to hide the little smirk that was curling the corners of her mouth.

"Sansa has been named Queen in the North", she told him, the pride she felt for her Lady speaking clearly from her voice. "An independent kingdom."

"And Daenerys agreed without objection?", Jaime asked, more than surprised. "That's hard to believe."

"Well, I guess we can expect that Jon Snow might have had something to do with the Queen's...graciousness", Brienne granted him with a meaningful look.

"The things we do for love...", he whispered as if more to himself, looking down for a moment, and when his eyes returned to Brienne's face, they were shimmering with something, an emotion she couldn't quite figure out.

"It would have been alright", he said then, causing Brienne to wrinkle her brow in confusion.

"Alright?"

"If I'd died", Jaime clarified just as softly.

"What's alright with dying?", she asked surprised, almost shocked.

"It would have been a good death."  
At that, Brienne nodded seriously.

"Death on the battlefield", she said, "Can't argue with that."  
Jaime couldn't suppress an amused but fond smirk, but gladly, she didn't notice.  
 _Of course, that's what she's thinking of._

"Oh yes", he confirmed, "dying whilst fighting for those you swore to protect is a good death", he agreed sincerely. "But that wasn't what I meant." Brienne raised her eyebrows, looking down at him questioningly.

"Bronn once asked me how I imagined my death...", he explained warmly. "I told him all I wanted was to die in the arms of the woman I love...and I would have."  
She stared at him, apparently unsure what to reply, somehow touched and annoyed by his words in equal measure.

"You made me swear not to sacrifice myself to save you...", she finally said, a slightly disbelieving undertone echoing from her words that would have made Jaime chuckle if he hadn't been so incredibly tired. "What made you think I would allow you to die for me instead?"

"I simply thought you could allow me to be the honourable one just this once", he replied, looking up at her. He had tried to sound light-hearted, but she knew him too well not to notice the hint of sadness shining from his eyes despite his tone, and he could watch her features softening immediately.

"You have been", Brienne assured him, her voice soft but firm. "Many times."  
Jaime slightly shook his head, stopping when a sharp pain shot through his brain at the motion, but he couldn't help to glance fondly at her nevertheless when it subsided.

"Thank you for saying that", he smiled, knowing that she was the only one in the world who would think so. But that was alright, she was the only one whose opinion mattered, anyway. "That means a lot to me."

"It's the truth", she simply stated.

"I would do it again", he then whispered suddenly. "I would die for you."  
He could see something flicker in her eyes at that declaration, but when she spoke, her voice was completely calm and just full of warmth.

"You are going to die of very old age, Jaime Lannister", Brienne told him. "Very very old age."

"But still in your arms?" He looked up at her, watching how the corners of her mouth curled.

"Perhaps", she smiled almost a little mischievously. "If you're lucky."

_o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o_

It took a couple of weeks for Jaime to recover, but he would for sure and that was everything that counted. No need to say that Brienne was most attentive in her care for him and the Maester was optimistic that he would be back on the height of his strength in less than a month from now.

Good news. And ones that brought new possibilities, almost uncountable possibilities, but also new things to think and to talk about.  
They had lived on borrowed time until now. But not anymore. Stannis was dead, Cersei was dead, the Night King and his Army were gone and Daenerys had returned to King's Landing, finally sitting on the throne she had fought for since she could remember. Westeros was at peace for the first time in years, and beyond that, it was likely to stay that way. So, where to go from here?  
 _Figuratively as literally speaking_ , Brienne thought.

She had written to her father in Tarth before the battle at Winterfell, just in case, as Jaime and Tyrion had done as well. She had written again afterwards, telling him about the outcome. About two weeks ago, she had received an answer, formulating a request -an order probably, to be precise- and Brienne had successfully pushed the thought of it aside, justifying herself with the fact that she couldn't possibly make any decision until Jaime was better.  
But now he was, would be completely recovered in the not-so-far-away future and what she had delayed found its way back into her mind and lingered there quite unpleasantly.

She had to speak to Jaime about it, that was obvious. Sansa was a third party to be involved, but Brienne decided that it was wisest to clear everything with Jaime first. Make a decision in private and bring it in front of the Lady of Winterfell when she was sure what she wanted, what **they** wanted.

"Jaime." He looked up from the book he was reading - yes, he had taken that habit during his weeks chained to the bedroom and she encouraged him. Other than the common thinking that books were an occupation for Ladies, Brienne thought reading besides fighting to be the most fruitful activity, maybe not so much for the body, but for mind and soul.

"There is something I need to talk to you about", she said, looking down at her hands as she sat in her usual chair next to his bed.

"That sounds serious", Jaime said jokingly, but the glance she cast him made the amused expression fade away and he closed the book and put it aside.  
"Hey", he said then, rather concerned, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, exactly", Brienne replied evasively, unsure how to raise the matter.  
"It's just that I've received a letter...from my father", she said then, finally looking up at him and he nodded as a sign for her to go on. But she didn't, hesitating.

"You wrote to him after the battle, I suppose", Jaime said instead, hoping to lead her further.

"Yes, I did", Brienne confirmed slowly, "But..."

"But?"

"But I didn't expect him to order me home", she finally breathed out, throwing a curious glance at Jaime's expression. But there was no displeasure at the thought, only surprise and perhaps a hint of...concern?

"I see", Jaime said, apparently trying to order the new information, "And do you want to? Go home?"

"I- I'm not sure", she said truthfully. "I mean...I have..duties here. Friends."  
 _You,_ she added in thoughts.  
"I'm still sworn to Lady Sansa, I can't just leave, can I?"

"Sansa shouldn't be your main object of consideration", Jaime said to her surprise with a slight shaking of his head.

"What do you mean? I'm her -"

"Sansa", he interrupted her, "is not that girl on the run anymore. She's the Queen in the North now. She has dozens of swords, friends and family that will protect her. She doesn't depend on you."

"That may be true, but it doesn't release me from an oath", she countered firmly, but Jaime just smiled.

"Of course not", he agreed softly, "but it's something to consider when you make your decision. You may have...duties here, as you call it. But you also have an obligation to your father, to Tarth. You're the heiress of Evenfall Hall", he pointed out quite unnecessarily.

"I know that", she replied a little impatiently. Of course she knew.

"Then what's the problem?"

"There are...things to be thought of", she said, struggling to find the words to tell him what was really bothering her, but failing to hide the growing desperation in her voice, "things-"  
Things like him. Him having to give up the life he had known so far. Or worse, him staying behind.  
 _No_ , Brienne thought. _Don't be ridiculous_. He wouldn't want to leave her. Of course he would go with her. But what if he just did it because he couldn't say no? Could someone like him really be happy with such a life on Tarth as she was foreseen to be spending?

"There's only one thing to think of as far as I'm concerned", Jaime's voice brought her back from her thoughts. "Your happiness. What do **you** want, Brienne?" The question caught her a bit off guard.

"Me?", she stammered, "I-I..."  
She had not actually thought about it that way. It sounded strange that she hadn't, but perhaps it just hadn't occurred to her. Because Brienne knew what she wanted. Him. Wherever she went, whatever she chose, what mattered was that he would be there. But if she **would** have chosen...

"I want to go home", she heard herself whisper without having intended to. It was the truth though, she discovered as the words left her lips. She didn't want to spend the rest of her life in the cold North. She missed Tarth. She missed her father. She missed not always being on guard.

"Good. That's settled then." Jaime nodded, apparently satisfied with her choice, just because it was **her** decision. But for Brienne, this whole matter was far from being resolved.

"Settled?", she said sceptically, raising an eyebrow that he had dismissed the discussion so easily.

"We're going to speak to Lady Sansa, of course", Jaime assured her light-heartedly, "but I'm sure she'll understand. You would have to wait a little while though. Two weeks maybe. I should be able to travel then, I guess", he added in one breath and Brienne's brain seemed to have difficulty to follow. Wait until-? Ready to travel? So that meant...?

"What?", Jaime said when he looked at her questioning face, an amused smirk creeping over his lips when he guessed where the expression came from. "You didn't think I would let you go without me, did you?"  
He waited for her to say something, but she just kept staring at him, lost for words while her heart was internally skipping a beat at the realisation that it had been clear to him from the beginning that whatever she chose, he would be with her.  
Jaime, however, couldn't help but misinterpret her silence.

"Unless..", he said cautiously, "unless you don't want me to-"

"No!", Brienne cut him off immediately when it became clear to her what he was about to say. "No, of course, I want you to come with me."  
She couldn't say more now. Couldn't put her worry about him living on Tarth into words. The knowledge that he would be with her for the time being had to be enough now.

"Fine", Jaime smiled. "I guess I'm finally going to see the Sapphire Isle, then."  
Brienne smiled back. She had been looking forward to seeing her home again, but even more had she longed to show it to Jaime. And for him to meet-

"One last thing...", Brienne said when a thought suddenly hit her and the tone in her voice made him look up. "Don't- I mean, it's not that I-...", she paused, taking a deep breath, "you know, in my letters, I didn't exactly tell my father..." She trailed off, but Jaime's eyes shimmered knowingly and he even...chuckled.

"Ah", he said, failing to suppress a smirk. "He doesn't know about me. About us", he added, needing no answer, but she smiled apologetically nevertheless.

"That's alright", Jaime assured her quite lightheartedly, only a hint of something strange audible in his voice, telling her that he tried to hide something - sadness, perhaps even hurt. "I understand that. Why should you peddle around with the Kingslayer?", he finished jokingly, but his eyes were betraying his tone.

"Don't be like that", Brienne said softly hoping to ease his mind and her own guilt by explaining herself. "You know it's not because I'm ashamed of you. It's just that my father, well...I'm hardly the daughter to bring men home very often", she pointed out. "He would have asked an awful lot of questions and..."

"You wanted to avoid the need to justify yourself", he ended for her. "Or rather me."

"There is no need to justify you", she replied firmly, growing a little impatient because he surely knew that he was being foolish. "I am entitled to love whoever I want. I just didn't want to tell him on paper, do you understand that? I wanted him to meet you in person because I know as soon as he gets to meet you, to know you..."

"He'll befriend the thought that it's me of all people who has captured his only child."  
He had stopped trying to hide the emotion in his voice by now, or maybe he just didn't manage to, and Brienne couldn't suppress a little sight of frustration.

"Jaime..don't be so bitter", she asked him, knowing that it was a habit of his. Somehow, he seemed to be able to revel in self-hatred and -pity at the same time. Perhaps he would be able to leave the past behind, someday. She wished he would. But she knew that it was more than difficult when your reputation was following you wherever you went.  
"I won't deny that he might be...prejudiced, at first", Brienne admitted. "But you really can't blame him", she added softly, cautiously, surprised when she saw his features soften.

"No", he said, sounding just sad and tired, "I suppose not."

"You're not the Kingslayer anymore", she said softly, grabbing his hand in support, for she couldn't bear the sound of his voice and the look in his eyes. "You're Jaime. **My** Jaime", she added and watched in relief how a little smile stole its way on his lips.  
"And he'll get to learn that soon enough", she promised. "He just wants me to be happy."  
Jaime sighed, patting her hand gratefully.

"Of course you're right", he replied then and Brienne released the breath she didn't even know she had been holding. "As always."

She smiled back as a knock at the door disturbed them. Brienne turned around to find Pod's head poking through a gap.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, Mylady...Ser", he said with a cautious look at their joined hands, but Brienne didn't give it any further notice.

"It's alright, Podrick", she said friendly. "What is it?"

"Lady Sansa sends me", he told them and continued with his eyes fixed on Jaime. "She received a raven from King's Landing. Your brother is on his way to Winterfell."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

"Jaime."

They were in the courtyard. Jaime had been granted permission to get up and take strolls around the grounds, so they had taken the opportunity to await the arrival of his brother. They hadn't seen each other since Tyrion had left for King's Landing to rule it in Daenery's name before the battle, and neither of them had known if they even were to meet ever again, so Jaime's impatience since Pod had brought the news of his coming didn't surprise Brienne in the least, nor did the wide grin that spread across his face when he turned around now to see his brother coming towards him with an equal expression.

"Tyrion." Jaime knelt down to draw his brother into a hug which was returned by the other without any hesitation, but when he tried to get up again, he twisted his face in slight pain, even if only for a moment.

"I'm sorry you have to bend down for me", Tyrion said apologetically, obviously concerned. "I've heard you've been injured."  
However, Jaime just grinned.

"But I'm not dead yet", he countered, although he was shifting his bandaged shoulder while he spoke. "I'm sure I'll manage to hug my little brother after defeating the Army of the Dead, thank you very much", he added jokingly and Tyrion couldn't help but grin in return before he turned towards Brienne, who was noticeably trying to hide her own smirk.

"Lady Brienne", he greeted friendly and Brienne nodded in return.

"Lord Tyrion."

"Tyrion, please", he replied immediately. "As I understand it, we're not unlikely to be further connected in the future anyway, aren't we?" He watched how her eyes widened at this declaration and he enjoyed it to unsettle the always so dignified Lady of Tarth, but there was no need to shoot all his bolt just now.  
"I'm not here to tease you", he therefore said soothingly, but unable to withstand the temptation, he added, "not now, at least. There might be a better opportunity later, to a time with more privacy, and more alcohol", he finished with a meaningful grin on his face that caused Brienne to blush. Of course, neither of them had forgotten her last encounter with the Lannister brothers and the combined effects of high spirits and ethanol.

"Tyrion", Jaime muttered through his teeth, but his little brother ignored what was obviously meant as a warning and just smiled.

"It's so good to see you, Jaime", he then said in a way that there was no question he sincerely meant it. The two brothers locked eyes for a moment, a bond that transferred unspoken truths from one to the other, until Tyrion averted his gaze to let it wander through the courtyard. Doing so, he became aware of a familiar figure standing in an elevated position fitting her title and his eyes lingered on her a second longer than would have been necessary before he focused on his two companions again, clearing his throat.

"Very well", he said. "Mylady." He bowed to Brienne. "Ah", he remembered then, "no... **Ser** , isn't it? It's been a pleasure as always, but I fear I should pay my tribute to the Lady of Winterfell now".  
"Or should I say the Queen in the North?", he muttered more to himself when he waddled away.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I hope you don't mind that I'm going to mix a bit Tyrion-Sansa in here over the next chapters. I know the idea of them doesn't appeal to everyone but I liked it and the dialogue sort of just came to me...Would be a waste not to include it, wouldn't it? A waste of my time that I spent at 3 in the middle of the night writing it down when my brain decided this was the best moment to spit it out, that's for sure.

Sansa stood on the balustrade surrounding the courtyard and watched as the Lannister brothers hugged in greeting. Who would have thought that both of them would be guests in Winterfell again, and on friendly terms, that was.  
She was too far away to hear their conversation, but as she saw Lady Brienne blush despite her already rosy cheeks from the cold, Sansa couldn't help but ask herself what the younger Lannister might have said. Tyrion.  
She had spent a considerable amount of time believing him to be the worst of the whole family, but she had been a foolish little girl then. Sansa still scolded herself for those early years she had lived in the capital. From afar, safe behind the walls of Winterfell, it had looked like the most beautiful and exciting place a young girl like her could ever have imagined. How enthusiastic had she been when her father told her she was going to accompany him to this place of sun, light and laughter?  
But not long had she been there that she had discovered the truth behind the pretty surface. Surrounded by lies, vileness, betrayal, fraud - and all those who were taken up by playing along with the game of falsity.  
The worst day was the day she was married to Tyrion Lannister. Or maybe the day she'd been told that she was to marry him. She had cried, day and night, had cried herself to sleep - stupid. And useless. Sansa had lived through far worse by now. Far far worse.  
Tyrion was good at playing the game as well. But he was different from the rest, she had discovered after a while. Maybe that was why he was even better at playing than most. He enjoyed it, but not because he liked the cruelty and falsehood. He liked seeing through the facades. He liked to be the superior one, in secret, because no one would have expected him to be. That was what made him even more dangerous. Being underestimated while his intellect allowed him to know the rules and to use them.

Sansa watched how the man in question made his way up the stairs to the balustrade she was standing on. She waited for him, but her eyes kept gliding over the grounds of Winterfell in the distance while she listened to his tiny, irregular steps nearing her until they came to a halt.

"Mylady", Tyrion nodded in her direction and she thought to even notice a little bow from the corner of her eye.

"Please", Sansa said, not taking her eyes off the snow that glistened in the sun when she spoke. "We're behind all this business with titles, don't you think?"

"You're still the Lady of Winterfell."

"And you're the Lord of Casterly Rock now, if my information is correct", she replied, finally looking at his face - still ugly, misshapen, but oddly familiar.

"It is", he confirmed with a little nod. "Queen Daenerys named me Warden of the West", he added as if he were expecting her to react to this information in a specific way, but Sansa wasn't sure what he wanted to achieve, so she went with the appropriate.

"Congratulations."

"Thank you." He joined her in staring into the distance for a few moments, perhaps he was trying to figure out how to go on, but then, Tyrion Lannister was never lost for words, was he?

"Sansa", he continued more firmly, his dissimilar eyes returning to her profile, "I...I didn't only come to see my brother, you know. Now that you are the Queen in the North and I'm the Lord of Casterly Rock-" He trailed off, but she finished the sentence for him.

"-you wanted to clarify our positions."

"In a way", he granted her. "I wanted to make sure that we are...allies", he said meaningfully and saw the corner of her mouth curling slightly.

"The North is independent, Tyrion", she replied quietly, the little smile still on her lips.

"I know", he said, picking his words carefully. "But that doesn't mean you might not be in need of...friends from time to time." Sansa turned to face him fully for the first time at those words, eyebrows raised.

"Friends, now?" There was surprise and maybe a little amusement ringing in her voice, but she didn't seem to be averse to the thought, so Tyrion was encouraged to go on.

"Yes", he confirmed. "That's what I hope for. What I'm trying to say is...", he went on, his firm look matching the seriousness of his intended words, "if you should ever require assistance, in any way, Castery Rock will be at your service, Sansa."  
The Lady of Winterfell had had enough time and practice in hiding her emotions, but so had Tyrion in reading those of others. Her features stayed motionless, not a twitch of one muscle, but he saw the spark of surprise shining from her eyes, accompanied by a hint of something else. He scrutinized her to make out what it was, suspicion, he decided just as she turned back to wind and snow.

"That's...a very big declaration", she said slowly, without facing him. "I'm far from refusing", she went on to Tyrion's relief, "but I can't help wondering..."  
She trailed off, looking down at her hand on the banister, thinking, before she looked at Tyrion once again with an expression he couldn't quite estimate.

"I hope that's not your way of trying to make up for..our history, Tyrion", Sansa said then, taking him by surprise, "because if it is-"

"It's not", he interrupted her immediately, maybe a little more vigorously than intended. "I can assure you", he continued calmer, "it's not. Believe me, I know that I couldn't make up for anything that has been done to you anyway." He let his gaze lose itself in the distance while pictures filled his head, pictures of her, younger and obviously scared, standing in his room in the Red Keep - guilt and anger filling his body like they had so many times over the years when those memories uninvitedly found their way back into his mind.  
"Most people can only imagine what horrors you must have lived through", he said to the snowy grounds. "Losing your family, one after one. And as if that hadn't been enough, my father sold you to me, of all people - and...I'm sorry", he went on, not caring that she was surely able to hear the guilt in his voice, clearly indicating his words to be true. "But I know there's no way for me to right this cruelty."  
He kept staring out at nothing in particular, unable to face her - if to avoid looking at her or rather her looking at him, he didn't know, maybe a combination of both. He heard what she felt when she spoke, though, and the words weren't at all what he had been expecting.

"And neither is there any need."  
Her voice was soft, calm. He would have called it compassionate, affectionate even, if he hadn't known better. However, it caused him to look back at her, the urge impossible not to follow.

"I have seen cruelty", Sansa confirmed, looking back straight into his eyes - something she had always avoided in the time they had spent in King's Landing, he remembered. "I've seen it several times, in different forms, but from all the paths my life has taken, my marriage to you has been one of the best."  
He was captured by her words, amazed, but there was still no way to stop the disbelieving snort from escaping at the sound of this.

"I admit that I didn't see it that way back then", she said, almost apologetically. "But you were always kind to me, Tyrion. And I'm grateful for that." She watched him, obviously expecting him to say something and he had to gather his thoughts for a moment.

"I can't deny that I'm..surprised to hear that", Tyrion replied after clearing his throat. "I wouldn't have blamed you if you could only look back on our short time together with disgust."

"You could as well", she countered. "It can't have been easy for you..to be, you know.." She threw a meaningful glance at him. "Abstinent." He laughed and Sansa couldn't suppress an amused smile either, but her features soon returned to the seriousness it was used to wear by now.  
"I have to apologize too", she continued. "I didn't make it easy for you. No, no...", she quickly stopped him when he opened his mouth, foreseeing what he would say, "really, I was cold and unkind towards you. Could only see the outside-"

"-the dwarf and the Lannister", he finished for her and Sansa nodded.

"Precisely. I hated your family", she admitted frankly and it did neither surprise nor bother Tyrion. It was rather something they had in common, actually.

"You had every right to."

"I had no right to hate **you** ", Sansa contradicted him and he just wanted to interrupt her again, telling her that there was absolutely no need for apologies on her side, but what she said next kept him silent.  
"I should have admired you. I do it now", she told him, smiling at his doubtful face. "Honestly, I do", she assured. "Could I have seen through the facades earlier, it would have spared me a lot of grief. Despising you and worshipping Joffrey, I've been so blind for such a long time, blinded by appearances..."

"You were a child, Sansa", Tyrion gave her to consider. "And well-sheltered. I think it was only natural." She nodded gratefully, but sighed.

"You're kind."

"I'm not. I'm realistic", he replied. "What girl of fourteen would prefer me to a prince with a beautiful face and golden hair?"

"One that isn't foolish enough to believe in fairytales of true love?", she asked back looking down in the courtyard, causing Tyrion to follow her gaze.

"Some seem to come true, after all", he pointed out, watching his brother strolling around, his arm wrapped around Lady Brienne as they laughed about whatever either of them had said. He instantly smiled at the picture before him. This was what he had always wanted for Jaime, although he had started to seriously doubt that he would ever find the courage and strength to free himself from their sister, Tyrion had to confess...but here he was. Once, Tyrion had been foolish enough to hope that he would find this sort of happiness as well, but he had long accepted that those things lay beyond his reach.

"They're happy, aren't they?" Sansa's voice brought him back to the present.

"Yes. They are", he agreed without a single doubt. He let his gaze wander from the happy couple to Sansa, watching her as she watched them, a mixture of joy and sadness shining from her eyes that made her look more vulnerable than he had seen her since she had become the Lady of Winterfell. This face belonged to Sansa Stark, not to the Queen in the North.

"Are **you**?" The words were out before he could stop them, something that happened more often than he liked to admit.  
She looked back at him as Jaime and Brienne disappeared inside the castle, obviously puzzled.

"Me?"

"Yes."

"I'm the Queen in the North", she stated, but Tyrion shook his head.

"That wasn't my question. Are you happy, Sansa?"  
He waited for her to say something, but her hesitation was already part of an answer for him.

"I am", she said though, more determinedly than he would have expected. "Maybe not completely, but...I am. Or at least I think I will be."

"Good." Probably the best he could have hoped for, he considered.  
"That must suffice for the moment."  
Silence spread after this declaration, only disturbed by the howling of the wind around the walls of the castle and the sound of muffled voices from somewhere inside.

"You know I always wanted you to be happy, don't you?", Tyrion suddenly heard himself say without having intended to, but even though she didn't look at him, he was relieved to notice her nodding slightly.

"I think I did."

"Good." Silence again. Wind.

"Why did you care?", she said then, looking down at her hands on the banister.

"I don't know", he muttered, taken a bit off guard, but she saw a smirk appearing on his face from the corner of her eye. "Maybe I'm just a caring character?"  
He said it jokingly, but perhaps that wasn't even far from the truth, Sansa thought to herself.  
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe it was the marriage", he then went on, shaking his head. "As ridiculous as the whole matter was, you were my wife, I was responsible for you. We're still married, actually", it suddenly became clear to him. "At least on paper."  
_Yes_ , Sansa discovered, raising her head. She had been married to Ramsay in the assumption that Tyrion had died, either during the trial or on the run.

"I suppose we are", she agreed, furrowing her brow.

"Do you want to have it annulled?", he asked, unsure how to estimate the expression, but she shook her head.

"No need. For allies...friends", she corrected, "it can't hurt to be bound by more than a verbal agreement."

"We're going to be friends, then?", Tyrion said, not trying to hide the delighted smile forming on his lips.

"I would like that", Sansa confirmed, even giving him a slight smile in return.

"Very good." Tyrion nodded. "I'm glad to hear it."  
They stood at the banister side by side, looking at the wide surface of white - grounds that were only the beginning of a kingdom about to enter a new time of peace, independence and government.

"You're a very strong woman, Sansa", Tyrion said firmly as he looked at the North in all its cold beauty, "and I think you're going to serve your people well. You should be proud of yourself."  
He hesitated, unsure if to say what lay on his tongue. "I...I don't know what it's worth, but I am very proud of you."

"Thank you, Tyrion", she said, and the warmth in her voice was like a balm against the cold of winter. "That is worth a great deal more than you might think."

_o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o_

Tyrion stared at her, apparently lost for words for the first time since she knew him. He blinked several times with his different-coloured eyes, opened his misshapen mouth, closing it again as he realized that it wouldn't form any words. Then, the corners began to curl instead, slowly forming a smile. It made him look even more grotesque and she clearly remembered when it had been almost physically painful for her to look at this face at all, but not anymore.  
She had seen so much since then, so many things she couldn't make unseen and that didn't allow her to be the same Sansa Stark that had arrived in the capital all those years ago.  
Yes, there was no way, no reason to deny that Sansa had lived through cruelties that no one of her young age should have had to suffer from, that most people couldn't even imagine.

But she wasn't sorry. She was proud of what she had made of herself. Some might say she should be proud because she managed to become that person despite what she had gone through, but Sansa knew better. She hadn't become who she was today despite those experiences, but because of them.

And so had he. Tyrion was a strong person. He was intelligent, sure of himself and stayed true to what he believed in. He had muddled through life, partly thanks to his family name, but mostly because of those qualities. It hadn't been easy for him though. She knew he must have been tested countless times and yet it had only made him stronger in the end, more persistent.

They were so much alike, he and her. How could she ever have thought him to be a monster?

The sound of someone clearing his throat brought Sansa back to the present. She blinked, turning slightly to face Lady Brienne and Jaime Lannister, the former with a look of bashful embarrassment on her face, the latter failing to suppress an amused smirk. Sansa was grateful for the cold north air that was hopefully concealing the heat she could feel creeping up her cheeks when she became unpleasantly aware that the two must have caught her and Tyrion both lost in thoughts and -even worse- probably staring at each other.

Brienne cleared her throat again, apparently trying to cover up her uneasiness and the Lady of Winterfell used the time to regain her own composure to an appropriate degree.

"I-I'm sorry, Mylady", Brienne said then, trowing a glance from her to Tyrion before lowering her gaze to her feet for a second and shifting uncomfortably. "I hope we weren't interrupting...anything." It was half question, half statement and Sansa couldn't ignore the sparkle in her eyes when Brienne threw a glance at her.

"Not at all", she therefore said even more determinedly, hoping that it would suffice to sound convincing. "What is it?"

"Ser Jaime and I, we have a matter of some importance to discuss with you", the other woman informed her, exchanging a quick look with the knight by her side.

"Of course", Sansa replied. "Perhaps we better move this conversation to the Great Hall. Tyrion, would you excuse us?"

"Actually, Mylady...", Brienne interrupted slowly as the younger Lannister just bowed to back away.  
"We hoped that Tyrion would agree to participate in the discussion"

"Oh." Sansa raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Does it concern him?"

"Not exactly, but it concerns me, Mylady", Jaime Lannister joined in, "and it is...a sort of family business."  
They weren't to express themselves any clearer now, as it seemed, only exchanging another of those meaningful looks that made Sansa quite curious, a little suspicious even, but she was going to be told anyway, so she didn't probe further.

"I see", she simply replied, nodding understandingly. "Of course he can be part if that is what you wish. I don't see why not. Very well, if you would follow me, then."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

"Now", said Sansa as the heavy wings of the wooden door to the Great Hall of Winterfell closed behind them with a muffled sound. She crossed the room to take a seat in the chair that had once been Lord Eddard Stark's, still feeling a bit smaller every time she sat there, wondering how it had come to be hers, but holding her head high as it was suitable for the Lady of Winterfell, let alone the Queen in the North.  
"What is it, this important matter of yours?"

Brienne stepped forward hesitantly, radiating this intriguing mixture of cautious, polite composure and calm strength she owed to her unique figure and personality.  
"Mylady, I have to inform you that I received a letter from my father, formulating the request of my immediate return to Tarth."

"I see", Sansa nodded. "And what, may I ask, was your reply to that...request?"

"I haven't answered yet", the other woman told her, throwing a glance over her shoulder at Ser Jaime, who immediately followed her unspoken invitation and came to stand at her side.  
"I found myself in a position...of uncertainty. I didn't want to make a decision, make promises in any way before speaking to you first."

Sansa smiled. She knew there was barely another person in all of Westeros with the same sense of duty and loyalty as the one standing in from of her.  
"I wouldn't have expected anything less from you", she said warmly. "However, I read from your words that you do wish to fulfil what's been asked of you, don't you?"

"I-" Brienne hesitated. "I am sworn to your service, Mylady", she said then evasively. "I am bound to you and your words for as long as you are willing to keep me, and I will gladly follow your command if it should order me to stay."  
Brienne felt Jaime's gaze on her, but she didn't look at him, only praying that he would be wise enough to stay quiet. From the corner of her eye, she noticed how he opened his mouth, and she stiffened slightly.  
_Please_ , she begged him in thoughts, _let me do this my way_. And really, he seemed to think better of it, closing it again, and Brienne relaxed.

"Of course I wish you to stay", Sansa, to whom the silent interaction hadn't stayed unnoticed, replied seriously. "And you are welcome here if that is your choice. But", she went on, "Brienne, it must be **your** choice. I'm giving you the freedom to decide and whether you want to stay or leave, I shall be happy to accept it and support you, if I can." She watched with satisfaction how Ser Jaime's features visibly softened at her declaration and when her eyes met his for a second, he nodded almost imperceptibly.

Brienne, on the other hand, didn't seem to be at ease at all. Hadn't this been what she had hoped for? That she would be allowed to go, and on friendly terms even? However, now that it came to say it out loud, she couldn't suppress the sting of duty that had been her constant companion over the years. The little voice in her head that had always been a friend to her, whispering in her ear so reliably about honour and moral.  
"But I- I swore an oath, I-"

She heard the slight squeaking of the door in its hinges, turning around, almost thankful for the interruption, to find Theon Greyjoy looking at them in surprise.

"Oh", he said apologetically. "Forgive me, I didn't mean to disturb. I didn't know anyone was in here."

"It's alright, Theon", Sansa said with dignity, but still soothingly, as he was flinching uncomfortably.

"I'll come back later", he said, quickly turning around, but his Lady's voice held him back.

"Theon. Now that you're here...would you please go and search for my sister and Podrick Payne", she asked him. "Tell them I expect them in the Great Hall as soon as possible."

"Of course." Sansa nodded as a sign that he was dismissed, turning her attention back to Brienne as soon as the door closed behind his slim figure.  
"I hope you don't mind my expanding our round", she said.

"Of course not." Brienne wasn't sure why Sansa had asked for the other's presence, but neither would she have dreamed to question her Lady, nor did she care who heard about her leaving - in case she did leave at all. Whatever the final outcome, everyone in Winterfell was going to find out anyway.

"Very well", Sansa said, demanding Brienne's attention once more. "I believe we were talking about oaths."

"Indeed, Mylady and I-"

"You, Lady Brienne", Sansa interrupted her, lifting her hands to quieten her, "are the last person anyone who has only the least knowledge of your character would ever expect to break an oath. There is no reason to question your loyalty and I am lucky to count you to my most valued followers. You have proven your worth over and over again - as protector, advisor,...friend", she smiled when she saw the other women's eyes glisten proudly.  
"I shall miss you when you're gone", she finished then and Brienne had just opened her mouth when the doors creaked a second time, revealing Arya, Pod and Theon.

"Has anything happened?", the little wolf asked immediately, her hand on the hilt of Needle as she crossed the room with big steps.

"Not at all", her sister assured her. "Would you please come and join us? You too, Theon", she added as he already wanted to close the door behind him. "I think this might be a matter of interest to all of you."  
Arya looked slightly suspicious, but she took a seat at her sister's side while Podrick and Theon held themselves in the background next to Tyrion, all three silent but intrigued.  
"Lady Brienne has informed me of her father's wish that she may return to Tarth", she told them, watching how especially the squire's eyes widened. "And I have decided that she should go if she wants to."

"Mylady-", Brienne began, but Sansa shook her head.

"I know that you want to", she said softly, "I can see it." Brienne's mouth opened once more, but she hesitated, apparently unsure what to reply. "Am I wrong?", Sansa asked and finally, the other woman breathed out and shook her head.

"No, Mylady."

"Then you should go", the Lady of Winterfell proclaimed. "You have my blessing. And you're not breaking any vows", she accentuated, knowing that this was what had held Brienne back in the first place. "I hereby release you from the oaths you have sworn to me the day you rescued me in the forest", she went on and a hint of uneasiness flashed over her knight's face, but Sansa smiled soothingly. "The North remembers, Lady Brienne", she explained, "and so do I. I owe you more than I could ever repay, but this is at least one thing I can give you in return", she said, warm sincerity shining from her eyes when she continued. "You have spent your life fighting and serving others, and you served them well. But I think the time has come that you may lay down your sword. Let the fighting be over, Brienne", she asked compassionately. "You should serve only one person now, and that is yourself."

Brienne swallowed, obviously affected by the young woman's words - partly because she was simply touched by her compassion, but also because she discovered the undeniable truth behind her advice.  
"Thank you, Mylady."

"However", Sansa added, "my part of our oath stands and so it will as long as the houses of Stark and Tarth prevail. You shall always have a place at my hearth, and meat and mead at my table. Know that you'll always be welcome at Winterfell", she finished and Brienne bowed in affirmation and gratitude.

"I assume Ser Jaime is going to accompany you", the Lady of Winterfell detected then and watched amusedly that the blonde woman was still blushing slightly at what had been obvious to everyone even long before the two of them had opened up to each other themselves.

"He is indeed, Mylady", she confirmed quite confidently nevertheless.  
Jaime threw a glance at Tyrion now, relieved when the latter nodded at his big brother with a smile of warm consent.  
Sansa watched them, a strange feeling spreading in her belly at this sight. Not too long ago, she wouldn't have been able to decide which of the Lannister brothers was more hatable, the whole family a bunch of rich, despiteful hypocrites. Never had she thought that any of them was able to show the slightest sign of mercy or affection, let alone love, and yet here they were with the emotion shining from their eyes as they smiled at each other, a connection clearly distinguishable as the bond only siblings were able to form in that way. How was it possible that two souls like these had survived between the likes of their father, sister and nephew?  
_Strong hearts and minds_ , Sansa decided, not unaccustomed to those qualities herself. _Willpower, and perhaps a little help from certain females,_ she added in thoughts, smiling to herself.

"Now, the rest of you might ask why I summoned you here", she then addressed the rest of those present. "As it comes, Lady Brienne's request let me wonder if there is someone else among you that wishes to join her in leaving", she explained, quietening Arya at her side with a wave of her hand before she had even had the chance to open her mouth. "You have come here to defeat the Army of the Dead", she went on, "and you've done so bravely- I assure you we shall not forget the price you were willing to pay to secure the survival of the Seven Kingdoms. But as I said", Sansa repeated, "the fighting is over and neither of you is obliged to stay. I only wanted to ensure you know that you're all free to go", she said, looking at her sister by her side and taking her hand when she finished, "whenever and wherever your hearts might lead you."

Arya grinned. "You didn't actually think I would leave you alone with all these Nordmen and wildlings, did you?", she asked, eyebrows raised. "I'm **finally** home. I'm not going anywhere even if you wanted me to", she added a little challengingly. "And trust me, you couldn't make me."

"I wouldn't dream of trying." Sansa squeezed her sister's hand and Arya nodded confirmatory.

"I suppose you won't be in need of a squire, Mylady, Ser", Podrick's voice echoed through the hall, his eyes searching Brienne's. "So if you would be willing to let me stay, Lady Sansa, I would be honoured to serve under your command."  
Sansa nodded in grateful acceptance.

"I believe Lady Sansa would have much more use for a knight than a squire, Pod", Brienne detected with a teasing undertone, but her eyes were shining warmly when they met Podrick's questioning gaze.  
"I will make sure to ease my own mind by leaving her under the protection of **Ser** Podrick Payne", she said then and the smile that spread over the young man's face was so bright that no one in the room could help but smile as well.

"Theon?" The last of the present looked up almost frightened as Sansa addressed him. He had played his part during the long night, yes, but as they said - the North remembered. The Starks surely hadn't forgotten his role in Winterfell's history, and neither could he. He wasn't proud of it, but that didn't make anything undone.  
"What about you?" Sansa's voice brought him back from his thoughts. "Perhaps the Iron Islands are calling for you?"

"I-..." He hesitated, considered what to reply. "If you want me to go, then I will", he said then truthfully, his eyes darting between the floor and fleeting glances at Sansa, who shook her head at his words.

"I'm not ordering you to", she told him. "It's your choice."  
Those words made him look up. He had half expected her to send him away, and he wouldn't have blamed her. But perhaps... If they allowed him a chance to right some of the injustice he had brought upon them, wasn't he committed to try?

"I'm a Greyjoy", he finally said, hesitating. "But I'm also a Stark. And as such I wish to stay by your side - as my Queen, and as my sister. If you'll have me", he added, his tone still questioning, unsure, but his eyes fixed on her face now. She could see how he breathed out in relief when she slightly bowed her head in agreement.

"I would be honoured."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, now that everyone's path has been laid out a little, perhaps we can finally move on from Winterfell, what do you think?


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, a sort of interim between the plot we had in Winterfell and what is now to come on Tarth. You know me, I'm more the person who writes ten chapters of dialogue and everything happens in one single night instead of indulging in descriptions to develop the storyline, but we had to go on with the plot now, I knew there was no way around it, so I did this to give you something but also not stretch it too much - we all want to get to meet papa Tarth as soon as possible, don't we? And don't worry, we will.
> 
> So I hope you liked how I decided to put it and well, long story short, enjoy reading and tell me what you think, if you'd like!

They had left Winterfell.  
Brienne's heart skipped at the thought. Not long ago, she hadn't dared to believe that she would live to leave the North at all, let alone going home after years in the field, and with a man by her side. And the most unthinkable of all: This man was Jaime Lannister.

Saying goodbye had been hard, but as the days blurred into weeks, the memories that remained were those of a heavy but proud heart. She remembered Podrick's beaming face when the last words of the knighting ceremony reverberated in the Great Hall, felt Sansa's warm arms as she hugged her goodbye.  
It wasn't easy for Brienne, leaving the Lady of Winterfell and her service, now that she had finally found someone who had been really worth her devotion and loyalty. Consoled had she noticed Tyrion Lannister standing not far behind Sansa and watching her with soft, attentive eyes. She didn't want to be presumptuous, but it hadn't been the only time that Brienne had asked herself if there wasn't more to their relationship than met the eye at first sight - and if not just now, then possibly in the future.  
Brienne smiled to herself while the salty wind blew around her, playing with the strands of her hair. Tyrion was intelligent and kind. Both of them deserved happiness and she didn't think it unlikely that they might find it through each other. They had spent a considerable part of their lives trapped in the poisonous politics of the capital, had to survive between two-faced speeches and the rotten glamour of a city doomed to internal decay under a sparkling veil of riches and luxury. Those years had formed them.  
Sansa had been far too young, too inexperienced with the ways of the world when they had first been thrown into each other's life by the powers of chance, arbitrariness and Lord Tywin Lannister's caprices of strategy. How should such circumstances produce anything but misery?  
Now, however? Despite their differences, they were kindred spirits in mind and soul.

Brienne's gaze wandered over the deck until it found Jaime. He smiled when their eyes met and she could feel the corners of her own mouth curl automatically as well.  
 _I found mine too_ , she thought. _I had found him before I even knew._

_o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o_

"There it is." Brienne gazed over the wide surface of blue into the distance. She heard Jaime's steps nearing her, coming to a halt behind her, just able to look over her shoulder when she pointed to the little spot of browns and greens that had appeared at the horizon a few minutes ago and kept growing bigger.

"It's beautiful." Brienne snorted, turning around to face him.

"It is", she smirked. "But you can't see that from here."

"Oh, I don't need to", Jaime told her. "I remember." His eyes lingered in the distance, recalling the picture in his mind.

"You were on Tarth before?", she asked honestly surprised, but he slowly shook his head.

"No, just passed it on my way to Dorne once", he explained, glancing at her with a strange look on his face. "It reminded me of you. These eyes of yours look just as if they had been filled with the Sapphire water surrounding your isle." He watched how her eyebrows rose and couldn't suppress a little grin.

"You're being ridiculous", she replied, quickly turning around to the sea once more, so he wouldn't notice her blushing.  
Jaime just smiled to himself, knowing exactly what she was trying, and enjoying the new way in which they were now talking to and behaving around each other. It still seemed like a miracle to him that two people could show themselves so openly, didn't have to worry about any signs of affection and were free to wear their hearts on their tongue for everyone to see and hear. He knew she was still uncomfortable with compliments, but he delighted in expressing his feelings through those little teasing banters, and even more so since he was sure that she secretly did as well. After all, turning away in embarrassment was a huge improvement on suspicious disbelief.

"Are you excited?", he asked after a while, searching in her profile for any thoughts showing in her features as her eyes were fixed on her homeland. Brienne nodded.  
"Very much."

"And...is it good or bad excitement?", he probed cautiously, causing Brienne to smile to herself. He knew her so well...

"A bit of both, truth be told", she admitted, throwing a glance at him.

"Should I worry?" His eyes sparkled, almost hiding the little hint of uneasiness.

"Maybe", she smirked. "My father can be a bit...difficult. Especially when it comes to me. He uses to be a little overprotective", she added with meaningfully raised eyebrows and Jaime laughed.

"As if you needed protection."

"I hope **you** won't be needing some", she countered with a grin.

"Perhaps you should have told me that your father's probably going to kill me before I agreed to accompany you", Jaime said in pretended indignation. "Because that's what it sounds like."

"He can try", she replied light-heartedly. "I won't let him."

"Now, that's a relief."  
Brienne chuckled slightly.

"You wouldn't have abandoned me even if you **had** known for sure that my father would actually try to kill you", she said and Jaime had no choice but to sigh, yielding.

"No", he smiled. "I wouldn't."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Evenfall Hall was seated right next to Shipbreaker Bay, but as its rocky coast was frequented by storms, it was known for its tendency to send everyone who tried to land there to the ground of the sea. It meant they had to enter the Isle of Tarth at the next possible bay a few miles away from the seat of House Tarth and therefore were forced to reach their destination on horseback.  
Jaime usually enjoyed riding, the scenery was no less beautiful than Brienne had told him and the rhythmical trot had something comforting and calming.  
But still, with every step of the horse, Jaime's nerves rose. He had been joking with Brienne about her father trying to kill him, but now that the meeting became more tangible with every second that passed, he grew more and more unsure. He had never met Lord Selwyn Tarth, but those who had described him as a just leader, devoted to his small but prosperous lands just as much as its people.  
 _Just_. One would call that a good quality, usually, but there was a fine line between justice and the rejection of mercy. And Jaime needed mercy.  
He had no idea how much Lord Selwyn knew about him, or about his journey with his daughter, but he could be sure that he knew at least as much as everyone else in the Seven Kingdoms - and those universally acknowledged truths didn't really come to his advantage. He couldn't expect too much, his only hope was that Brienne's prophecies would turn out to be true, that Lord Selwyn would find it in his heart to meet him unprejudiced - for his daughter's sake - and that Jaime would manage to make him not regret it.  
It was a matter of importance that Brienne's father accepted him. He didn't indulge himself in the illusion that he would even come to like him, acceptance might have to be enough for the moment, but that he would gain it was vital, for several reasons.  
Brienne loved her father. After the early death of her mother and three siblings that had left her as his only living child, it wasn't surprising that Brienne and her father shared a strong bond. Jaime didn't want to endanger their relationship. He didn't want to put her in the need of choosing. It was not the fear that she would be going to question what they had - or that she would even decide against him - they were beyond that. He was afraid that she would suffer, knowing that she lived a life her father didn't approve of. He didn't want to be the reason there was a wedge driven between them.  
Family was too important. No one knew that better than Jaime.  
He watched Brienne riding by his side, lost in the contemplation of the landscape around them, a dreamy smile on her face. She looked so happy that he couldn't help but smile as well despite the worries that were troubling him.  
Family. Another reason. Jaime wanted to have a family, a proper family. And everything that usually came with it - that was, to begin with, marriage. He intended to ask Lord Selwyn Tarth for his daughter's hand, and despite everything he might have done in the past, every vicious decision he might have made, Jaime felt a strange sort of need to follow the appropriate, the honourable path in this matter. He sought Lord Selwyn's approval, his blessing.

"Look", Brienne's voice ripped him from his thoughts. She pointed down a hill, on the right of their path, and Jaime followed her gaze to a heaving lake. The setting sun made the water sparkle and the surrounding trees cast long dark shadows over its surface that seemed to move on the water as they passed.  
"Tarth is full of lakes", she told him. "My brother and I, we used to play in those near Evenfall in the summers when we were young." Suddenly, a shade flit over her face, even if just for a second, but she didn't say anymore. Jaime knew what she was probably thinking though. Her older brother had died as a child. Drowned. Probably in one of those lakes or the Sapphire blue sea the isle was known for, a tragedy overshadowing the happy childhood memories.

"Everything is wonderful", he said, trying to distract her, lead her thoughts to the beauty instead. "A perfect place to grow up." _And to raise children..._  
Brienne smiled in agreement.  
"I'm surprised you didn't return earlier", he said then, thinking about all the time she had spent travelling about Westeros instead. Riverrun. The North. Even some time in the capital after she had returned him there as she had promised. He had had no choice. His family and his duties as part of the White Cloaks held him there, and even if he had been free to go, Casterly Rock had never been a tempting thought. If there was a place like this waiting for you, however...  
"Didn't you miss it?", he added, honestly interested, but she just shrugged her shoulders.

"Of course", she admitted. "But there was never much time to feel really homesick, was there?"

"Well, our journey has never been dull, that's for sure", Jaime confirmed and she laughed the way that made a wave of pride wash over him, pride that he was able to make her produce such a sound.

"No", she agreed. "And then you sent me to find Sansa. After being sworn to Lady Catelyn, how could I refuse?"

Had it been anyone else asking this question, Jaime's answer would probably have turned out differently, but it was **her** asking, after all, so it was easy. "You couldn't."

"I couldn't." They fell silent for a second, Brienne watching a bird that had been picking on their path flying away when the horse came nearer, and Jaime watching Brienne as her gaze followed the little creature.  
"I'm glad to be here now", she said then, her eyes still lost in the equally blue sky where the bird had vanished. Then she suddenly turned around to Jaime, riding slightly behind her. "But I wouldn't change anything about the past", she told him, her serious gaze not leaving his face until he finally nodded and she felt safe enough to turn her attention back to what lay before them.

Half an hour later, half an hour of following the same path leading constantly uphill, they finally made it to the top - and there it was. Brienne stopped her horse, taking in the sight of Evenfall Hall in the near distance, and Jaime followed her example.  
The stone castle was seated right next to the sea, an accumulation of wide towers, their edges studded with battlements, smaller ones with high pointy slate roofs, walls, bridges, windows, arcs - all arranged harmonically yet functionally on the cliff that was hit by the incoming waves in a steady rhythm. Their path, Jaime could see, lead down between the hills to the foot of a staircase that had been carved into the solid rock, climbing up and up in curves until it reached a gap in the wall surrounding the whole building.

"Home", Brienne said, driving the horse on as her voice got carried away by the wind.

_o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o_

"The Kingslayer?"  
Lord Selwyn Tarth's angry voice echoed from the walls of the Throne room, his cape blowing behind him as he strode up and down vigorously. His daughter's eyes followed him, no less in outrage, but aware that they were only going to shout at each other without getting anywhere, she forced her voice to stay controlled.

"Ser Jaime is-", she began, but he didn't let her speak.

"The Kingslayer?", he repeated, gesturing to the door in disbelieving fury. Brienne thanked the Seven that they had insisted on Jaime waiting outside, hopefully out of earshot.  
"Brienne, are you out of your mind?"

"Father, please-"

"I haven't seen you in years", he interrupted her again, "and once I finally get you back, you have the nerve to arrive with this...this traitor!" He almost spat the last word at her and Brienne had to close her eyes for a second to stay calm.

"That's enough", she said, loud and firm, as she opened them again, watching how Lord Selwyn stopped abruptly in his pacing.

"What was that?" He turned towards her, slowly, almost threatening, but she didn't let herself be intimidated.

"I said, that's enough", she repeated unnecessarily, knowing that he had understood very well the first time. "Forgive me, father, but I won't let you talk about him in that way."

"The Kingslayer is not-"

"Will you stop that?", she burst out, unable to hold back any longer. "Call him by his name. Call him Jaime."

"The name you should be worried about is Lannister, Brienne", he pointed out. "That family- And **he** -" He broke off, apparently too dumbstruck to bring the sentence to an end.  
Instead, his figure suddenly seemed to shrink, back and shoulders slumped a little and he sighed exhaustedly, slightly shaking his head.  
"I would have expected more from you." Those words hit Brienne more than his anger, but she knew she couldn't yield now.

"Then I'm sorry to disappoint you", she simply replied instead, trying to swallow the lump in her throat. "Perhaps it was wrong to come back. I think it's best if we go."  
She was ready to turn around, but a hand on her shoulder held her back.

"No! No Brienne, please", her father said, a hint of a plea in his voice that surprised her, "you're just back, I- I don't want you to go. You're needed here." She knew that. And she didn't want to leave either.

"But you want Jaime to go", she detected, no need for pretence. "That's enough reason for me."

"If I order him to leave, you will go too?", he asked, although he knew the answer.

"I will." She watched his face, switching between emotions, trying to decide how to react, and finally settling on the stubborn obstinacy she had inherited herself.

"I could force you to stay", he said coldly, although the thought that his only child would have to be bound at her home against her will hurt him more than he could say. "You have an obligation to Tarth."  
Brienne looked at him challengingly.

"Would you really be willing to pay that price? To hold me by force?" She shook her head. "You know that I love you and I love Tarth, but...I love him too", she said softly, hoping that a look into her heart would make him see, would make him understand. But the eyes that met her radiated nothing but shock and disbelief.

"You can't be serious", he said, audibly trying to hold back the anger from returning. "Brienne, a man who murdered the one he had sworn to protect-"

"You don't know the whole story", she interrupted him, a battle of two equally stubborn minds.

"And you do?" He rose his eyebrows, a spark of amusement in his eyes that made it hard for her to control her voice.

"I do. He told me."

"Aaah." He smiled, shaking his head, pitying her ignorance. "And you chose to believe him."

"Wait." She lifted her hands in bewilderment. "You think he...lied to me?"

"As if a murderer would stop at a lie."  
Brienne opened and closed her mouth, lost for words for a second, not believing her ears.

"What's this whole murderer nonsense?", she asked, stunned.  
She didn't think it would be easy, making her father accept Jaime, but never would she have believed him to be like...this. Those arguments were ridiculous. Pathetic.  
"I killed people too", she pointed out in exasperation, "And so have you."

"But for what reasons, child?"

"He had his reasons", she replied grimly. "And I'm not a child father, I can make my own decisions."

"Obviously." He met her challenging gaze no less fiercely. "You chose to bring him here without asking my permission, without even telling me."

"Because I feared that you would react just like this!", she countered, gesturing to him vigorously.

"What did you expect?", he shot back. "That I would be thrilled?"

"No!" Brienne lifted her hands desperately, trying to order the words in the agitated turmoil that was jer head. She hadn't expected him to be happy, not immediately. But she had expected him to try for her, she had expected...  
"I expected you to listen!", she finally burst out, a bit shocked about her own hopelessly pleading voice. "Father, you know me. You raised me to be who I am today. Do you think I would have brought him if he wasn't worth it?"  
His eyes had softened, but it was not the kind of look she had been hoping for.

"You have always had a good heart, Brienne", her father smiled a little sadly. "I know just too well how people like the Lannisters use that for their advantage."

"Jaime is not like that. You don't know him as I do", she replied, because she just didn't know what else she could have brought up that hadn't already been said. "That's why I brought him. Because I want you to. He would never hurt me", she added, her father's unhappy eyes piercing her heart.

"Brienne-"

"Please", she begged, stepping forward to get hold of his hands, squeezing them reassuringly. "I promise you'll understand if you try. If you only knew what I know-"

"Then tell me", he said and although she could finally, finally hear sincere willingness to listen in his voice, she had to shake her head.

"I can't", Brienne replied softly, but went on before he had the chance to contradict her again. "Not yet. It's not my story to tell", she explained, "At least not mine alone. You will hear it, I promise, but until then, you'll just have to trust me. Can you do that for me?"

She watched his doubtful features, could practically see the thoughts working behind his eyes...  
Then the look in them finally softened, and she knew she had won when he sighed.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Jaime was nervous. It was ridiculous. He had won countless battles, against all odds had he survived the Army of the Dead, yet here he stood, trying to keep his heaving breath and trembling hands under control.  
"Who's that?", Lord Selwyn Tarth had asked when he entered the Entrance Hall behind Brienne, only to be ordered outside again by her pleading eyes and her father's demanding voice. Actually, he was glad that he wasn't present in the conversation that followed. He could hear their words echoing through the stonewalls and down multiple corridors from time to time, but it was a relief that he didn't understand what they said.  
He wasn't surprised. Naturally, he had hoped for a different welcome -in vain, like so many times before- but was he surprised? No.  
At least he didn't have to listen. That was more than he had been granted by most since the fall of King Aerys II. At least he didn't have to stand by while the insults were thrown around. At least he had someone who defended him this time.  
But waiting was another kind of torture. The inability to do anything, his fate being discussed a few rooms away, lying in the hands of others, without a chance to be influenced. All he could do was wait. And wait.

Then she came. Her father followed her, both with expressions impossible to read. He wanted to open his mouth, but Brienne shook her head almost imperceptibly and he closed it again. Without a word, she took his arm and lead him down the corridor. He let her drag him away without a word of complaint, her father's watchful eyes following them as they disappeared around a corner.  
They didn't have much time before they would be summoned to dinner. Jaime started to speak as soon as the door of his chamber closed behind them, but Brienne stayed rather short.  
"Give him time", she said. "He'll try. Just...be patient."  
Jaime nodded. What choice did they have anyway?

It was difficult. The atmosphere was tensed, the silence tangible, only interrupted by the ticking of the clock in the Dining Hall and the cackling of cutlery on dishes.  
Brienne's eyes flit from Jaime by her side to her father at the head of the table, nervously waiting for someone to break the pressing silence, but too afraid to do so herself. This was no unproblematic situation, and neither of those two men she knew better than any other in the world were simple, compliant characters. Her father had promised to be impartial, and Jaime wanted to leave a good impression anyway, but that was no guarantor that they wouldn't drive each other to say things they would regret afterwards. Only the Gods knew how this evening would turn out.  
She noticed how her father watched Jaime in his failing attempt to cut his meat with one hand, Lord Selwyn's eyes sparkling with something Brienne didn't like at all. Amusement. Gloat, almost.

"Let me." Her voice was quiet, soft. Still, her words cut through the air like a sword.  
Jaime had felt the other's eyes on him, had tried to ignore their gazes to the best of his ability, but when he looked up, her smile was genuine and loving. She didn't pity him, it was a simple gesture of kindness, an act of loyalty to save him from ridicule.

"Thank you."  
She pulled his plate in her direction and as he watched her hands work, he felt a flashback of the same gratitude that had flooded through him all those years ago in Harrenhall. Only that it was her father raising his eyebrows at her now, not Lord Bolton.

"Bringing back memories, doesn't it?", she said as if she were able to read his thoughts, throwing a glance at Jaime, who hummed in confirmation.

"You two share a lot of memories, don't you?", Lord Selwyn joined in, just as Brienne had finished her task. "Even though our island might be a little isolated, there are certain stories that are carried to the last corners of Westeros." He paused, aware that a moment of silence could bear more meaning than a thousand words, and took a sip from his cup.  
"Rumours of Saphhire mines, bears and swords", he went on. "I suppose I have to thank you for bringing my daughter safely home."

"In truth, she rescued me, Mylord", Jaime said calmly, his eyes resting on his face without a sign of intimidation. "More than once."

"Oh", Brienne heard her father's surprised voice as she tried to hide the smile that had stolen its way on her face by lowering her eyes to her lap. "I haven't heard that story before."

"Not such a fascinating story, I'm afraid", Jaime answered light-heartedly, obviously not needing any assistance in keeping up with the Lord of Tarth. Perhaps her worries had been needless. But her father, in all his apparent politeness, seemed to insist on showing his disapproval in other ways.

"I'm sure you have many fascinating stories to tell, have you not, Ser Jaime?"  
Brienne heard the little smile in his voice, saw the slightly narrowed eyes without having to look at him. It was a threat, that simple question, and all three of them knew it.

"Father", she whispered with a warning glance at him, but Jaime soothed her by laying his hand on her arm.

"No, no, Bri, it's fine", he assured her. "Really." He looked at her expectantly, waiting for her consent, as it seemed, and although she didn't like the path her father had forced him to take, she could only admire him for his calmness and composure. So she nodded, allowing him to proceed as he saw fit, and Jaime smiled gratefully before he turned his attention back to the other man.  
"I understand that you have questions, Lord Selwyn", he declared. "Every loving father would be suspicious. And it's true", he granted, "I have. Many fascinating stories, indeed. And we all know that some don't cast a good light on me. No need to pretend", he added in Brienne's direction as he could feel her stiffen beside him. "But I don't feel I should be the one to tell them", he continued. "I don't think it would be appropriate for me, as I don't want you -or me- to feel as if I were trying to justify myself. Instead", he said, quickly meeting Brienne's wide eyes for a second, "ask your daughter. She knows as much about me as anyone, in fact", he couldn't suppress a little smile, "she's the only person that knows everything. And I grant her full permission to reveal as much as she thinks necessary. That is, if you agree", he added to Brienne in her rather obvious perplexity. She opened her mouth a little puzzled, looking from Jaime to her father and back again, aware that both expected her to answer. She swallowed, focusing on Jaime's soft eyes to find the thread again.

"If that is how you want to do it", she said then and he blinked confirmatory. "Alright."

Her father nodded too. "Very well."

Another moment of silence, then Jaime suddenly rose from his chair and bowed a little.

"If you would excuse me then, Mylord, Mylady", he said politely. "It's been a long day. I'm sure I'll find my room on my own", he added when Brienne prepared to get up as well, stopping her in her move. "I believe you have a lot to discuss."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've all been excited for the arrival at Evenfall, at least I have been:)  
> We don't know a lot about Lord Selwyn, but I'd say we couldn't expect it to go completely without a little drama, could we?
> 
> Oh, and as you might have noticed I like to use known scenes or phrases from the book or series, so I thought it might be interesting to take one or two here, but with reversed roles. I hope you'll agree with me that it just fit too perfectly not to smuggle it in.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, my dears, I'm very sorry it's been more than two weeks. Oh, gods, I'm beginning to sound like my former teachers that didn't manage to give a test back in time...  
> However, I'm so busy at the moment, my next exams are coming and I'm very unhappy that I find almost no time to write, so I'm glad that I managed to get this part ready at all.  
> Well, just hope you enjoy reading.

"Jaime?" Brienne's whispered voice leaked through the gap in the door that had just opened, accompanied by a beam of light that the torches radiated from the corridor. It was late, the sun outside the window had gone hours ago and with only the fire breaking the darkness, the room was lit up as her voice did to his dark thoughts and worries.  
"Jaime are you awake?"

"Of course", he said, immediately getting up on his feet and on his way to the door, to her. He had been pacing up and down at first, but at some point, the physical and mental exhaustion had triumphed over his nerves and he had laid down, unable to find peace though.  
"As if I could sleep while some floors away your father is rolling the dices of my fortune."  
Despite his tone, Brienne couldn't suppress a smirk.

"How poetic", she said. "But it's not like that. You know he really can't do anything." Her voice was calm and soft, but Jaime just rose his eyebrows doubtingly.

"He can send me away", he detected drily, mostly to hide the fear and hopelessness that surely would have spoken from his voice otherwise. He didn't ask what she had told him. Actually, he didn't care. As long as it had its effect.

"No, he can't." She closed the door behind her, leaving them in the semi-darkness of the glowing fire.

"What do you mean?"

"He can't", she said, leading him to the bed where he followed her gesture to lie down with her. He didn't wonder at it at all, even though she had been given her own room next to his. She apparently didn't even think about it when she stripped off her boots, he noticed with a sensation of warmth spreading in his body despite his troubled thoughts. They had been sharing a bed for such a long time now that it felt as natural as breathing.  
"Because", she went on, shifting to find a comfortable position, "I told him I would go too if he forces you to leave." She said it light-heartedly, is if it were the clearest thing in the world. Then she sighed, cuddling to him. Jaime lifted his arm obediently to make more space, but his brow was wrinkled in confusion.

"But you're the heiress", he detected unnecessarily once they were comfortably settled. "You can't leave." To his surprise, he felt Brienne's lips form a smile against his chest.

"I know", she simply said, lifting her head a little to look at him with calm, soothing eyes. "And he knows that too."  
Jaime nodded slowly. Her tactic was simple, obvious even, and she seemed to be sure of its working out.

"I hope you're right."

"I am. I know him", she added before she settled back down to close her eyes. "Trust me."  
She smiled when she could feel how Jaime placed a kiss on her hair.

"Always."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Brienne had been right. He wasn't sent away. He was allowed to stay as a guest, how Lord Selwyn accentuated, a term he was only too familiar with from their time in Winterfell. It said _I don't trust you, but you're being tolerated for her sake_. Jaime had looked at Brienne, who slightly nodded to him encouragingly, and he had humbly accepted.  
Being in her father's company was still uncomfortable, he could feel his eyes following him at table and when they walked about the castle, Brienne utterly adorable in her excitement to make him acquainted with every corner of the grounds. Jaime tried to ignore the suspicious glances from the Lord and his staff, and he managed quite successfully most of the time, delighting in his beloved's happiness as much as if it were his own.  
Not that he was unhappy. He loved Tarth. It was beautiful, green, lively but calm, everything that his life had not been so far.  
Then he even thought to notice that Lord Selwyn's expressions seemed to change when he watched them. Perhaps it was just his wishful thinking, but as the days went by, became weeks that finally turned into the second month after their arrival, he was almost sure that he was overthinking his initial apprehension. His eyes were softer now, sometimes glowing with an emotion Jaime couldn't quite estimate, but that left him with a spark of hope. The meals became more relaxed, he and Brienne could laugh more, the conversation was more carefree - and when Jaime kissed her one evening as she handed him his plate back, his eyes met Lord Selwyn's, who slightly nodded at him. He bowed his head in reply and they resumed eating in silence.  
That was when he knew something had changed. He would go and ask what he had planned to do from the beginning, he decided. Perhaps the time had come.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

"Do you love her?"

Lord Selwyn Tarth's eyes pierced through Jaime from the high seat in the Throne room. It hadn't been easy to find a time to speak to her father without Brienne noticing, but he wanted to keep her unaware of what he was up to until he had been allowed what he desired. It hadn't been easy to tell her father what he had come for, and he was certain that it wouldn't be easy to get it either. This first question **was** easy though.

"I do." The Lord's face stayed expressionless, not one twitch of a muscle.

"And does she love you?"

Brienne had said so. At first, Selwyn hat been sure that she didn't mean what she said, couldn't know what she was talking about. What did his little girl know about love?  
 _Perhaps more than I thought possible_ , an unwelcome thought flashed through his mind. Nonsense. The thought alone that this man in front of him - he of all people - should be the one to make his daughter happy? Her, a soul purer than any he had ever seen? Utterly ridiculous.  
But then, he couldn't deny what he had witnessed. He had seen it with his own eyes, heard it with his own ears how they talked to each other, smiled, laughed. Never before had he seen Brienne like this, behaving like this around someone else. And even more, there had never been a man that treated her like this Lannister did. No man that had looked at her that way. Could all this be a game, a fallacy?  
Selwyn scrutinized the lion before him, attempting and failing to understand it. Could it be true? Did he really love her as he said? _That's all I ever wanted for her._  
Or was he just another of those that were only trying to take advantage of Brienne for her lands and title? Was he actually different or just like all the others, simply a better actor with a more charming smile?

Jaime had lowered his eyes to the ground at the question, his mouth curling. He had expected to be asked these things, and he knew that confirmation was probably not at all what the other would want to hear.

"That's not in my place to claim", he said therefore rather diplomatically. "She told me so, but if she hasn't done so already, I believe it should also be **her** to tell you. I can do nothing but hope that she will and", he added, rather enjoying the disapproving look on her father's face -clearly disapproval of an answer given beyond the desired means-, "if I should be so fortunate, spend the rest of my days trying to prove worthy of her and her love."  
Jaime waited, watched Lord Selwyn as he watched him with a wrinkled brow, and a moment of silence passed as he considered how to go on. This young man was throwing him a bit off course with this unexpectedly skilful replies, he had to acknowledge, but he was determined to keep the upper hand. This was about his Brienne after all. His steps would need to be thought through.

"My daughter is the heiress of Evenfall Hall", he finally detected, as if that were news. Jaime bowed his head in confirmation.

"I'm aware of that, Mylord." _Of course, you are. All of them were._

"Yes, but have you both considered what that means?", he said slowly, accentuating his words by seriously raised eyebrows. "She won't be able to spend the rest of her life the way she has done until now. She has a birthright, a place to take, a duty to fulfil", he said gravely. "I'm not a young man anymore, Ser Jaime, I won't live forever and neither do I plan to rule until my last breath. It won't be long until Brienne will have to sit on this chair. The isle..." He gestured through the room, figuratively containing what would be the whole of Brienne's kingdom, "it will be hers, her land, her people - and they will need her here."

"She knows that, Lord Selwyn", Jaime said calmly, "I can assure you. And so do I." He saw a spark of emotion flickering over the other man's face, suspicion, then uncertainty.  
 _He doesn't know how to estimate me_ , Jaime knew. The corner of his mouth twitched.

"Then may I ask what you are planning to do when this day comes?"

"I go where she goes", Jaime said shortly - It was as simple as that.

"Is that so." Lord Selwyn leaned back in his chair, his eyes fixed on Jaime over merged fingertips. "Then you would be willing to give up your own claims to stay here on Tarth with my daughter?"

"I don't have any claims, Mylord."

"You are the eldest son of Tywin Lannister, are you not, Ser?", he countered. "That makes you the heir to Casterly Rock." He said it as a fact, but Jaime just shook his head.

"The Rock belongs to my brother", he explained politely, but leaving no room to question. "I lost my right to inherit when I took the white cloak, even if I'm not wearing it anymore. But even without the rules of the Kingsguard", he added, "I never wanted it anyway. Casterly Rock should have been Tyrion's a long time ago and I made sure that it finally is without any cause for contestation." Brienne's father watched him attentively, apparently eager to notice every twitch on his face, every change in his voice, every hint of untruthfulness. If what he found left him satisfied, Jaime couldn't tell.

"Very well." _He appears honest. Perhaps lands and titles actually aren't what he's come for after all...But then what-?_  
He paused and Jaime already thought that he was done, when the Lord's mouth suddenly curled into a smile, a sort of smile that made him slightly uncomfortable, even though he couldn't quite put his finger on the reason.  
"One last question, Ser", he said then. "Apart from leading with strength, justice and honesty, a leader also has another obligation." The sparkle in his eyes left Jaime wondering what was there to come, but he wasn't kept waiting for long. "I'm talking about securing the survival of our line", Lord Selwyn said meaningfully, watching Jaime as if he were waiting for anything amusing. "Brienne will have to produce descendants and those, as you can clearly understand, will have to go by the name of Tarth. There has always been a Tarth on the throne of this isle, and that's how it will be until it is nothing more than dust in the seas of time." He waited after this slightly pompous declaration, apparently pleased with himself. "Are you really willing to abandon your name, your family, or at least not to have your children named after their father?"  
It was obvious that he thought this might finally unsettle the young man who had been so composed until now. Surely, these conditions couldn't be acceptable for any man with a decent amount of pride. But to his surprise, Jaime only smiled.

"Of course, I understand your point, Lord Selwyn", he said calmly. "And I agree. There should be a Tarth on the throne of this isle." The puzzlement on the other's face flickered with a hint of disappointment, making Jaime the one smiling to himself now. _He'll get over it._  
"What you have to understand", he went on, "is that my home and my family lie with your daughter now. My name means nothing. But beyond that, my reputation precedes me and so does my house's - I'm not keen on handing this burden over to my children."

Jaime couldn't deny that he was enjoying this, but that made his words no less of the truth. He meant what he said. His name meant nothing. Not anymore. If he was honest, he couldn't wait to leave at least some of its load behind.  
He smiled internally at the thought of his father. He hoped there was a life after death so that Lord Tywin would have to watch how his name and legacy were now resting solely on Tyrion's shoulders. _Look at your precious children, father. The pride of house Lannister._ Maybe there **was** some justice in this world after all.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

That night, Jaime lay awake a long time, staring at the ceiling of his chamber, thinking. He went through the conversation with Lord Selwyn, turned the words over in his mind.  
Now that he was past this first step, he had his next to think through. It should be planned, shouldn't it? A location, a certain time, a speech perhaps. A ring? He had no idea how to set up something like this, had never had to think about it, had not even thought that he would ever have to. With Cersei, it had always been out of the question. With Brienne, everything stood open. They were free, he was free, everything seemed possible. And that brought countless possibilities to choose from.  
Jaime drew his hand over his face, rubbed his tired, burning eyes. He should sleep. He wanted to sleep, but every time he closed his eyes, his mind began to work, imagining thousands of scenarios what he could do, what he could say, what could go wrong. Not that he was sure she would reject him. But he didn't think she was expecting him to pop the question either. Neither of them seemed to be suited for marriage, they had both made their peace with that fact a long time ago. _A lifetime ago_ , Jaime thought. For that it had been for him, another life, the life of another person.  
He knew what he wanted now. To be honest, he had always wanted the same thing, he had just never thought it possible. As a young boy at Casterly Rock, the Septas had read them stories about princes and princesses, knights in shining golden armour that saved the lady of their heart from cruel witches and dangerous beasts. Stories of brave men that escaped the fiery breath of dragons to take their women home to their castles, married them and lived happily ever after. The little boy with the blonde locks had listened eagerly, had imagined himself -grownup and handsome, the saviour of a beautiful woman he would make his wife. Later, the face of that woman had transformed into that of his sister in his mind, her hair blowing around her beauty as they rode into the sunset. He had been stupid. Foolish. Naive. Of course, he had to find out that none of that would be possible with Cersei. They were living in the shadows, spun a net of secrecy and lies. No castles, no dragons, no sunset, no marriage. And yet he had hoped it enough to get the happily ever after, had told himself that she would be enough.  
He sighed, looked down at the sleeping Brienne next to him, listened to her steady and peaceful breath for a moment. She was nothing like his childhood imagination. She was not beautiful, she didn't need to be rescued, she was nothing like any of the women in those stories.  
No, she was more. She was not pretty, she was magnificent. She wasn't helpless, she had been the one saving him. And she would be the one he was going to marry.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

_Ask her,_ Lord Selwyn had said these few days ago and Jaime hadn't been able to think about it since. _I won't stop you. If it's what she wants, I won't stand in her way._

"Brienne."

"Hm?" They were walking over the grounds. She had wanted to show him a place in the woods she had loved as a child. He hadn't planned anything, and yet, he heard himself speak.

"I...have something to ask you." He should have planned something. He didn't know what to say. He would have to improvise. This wasn't the right way. Or moment. Was there ever a right moment for such a thing?

"Sure. What is it?"

"I- I know this is not-", he stuttered, unable to stop himself though, "I mean perhaps I should have made more of an effort, but...I think I've dishonoured you long enough." He watched how Brienne's brow furrowed in bewilderment.

"Dishonoured..?", she repeated, obviously puzzled. "Jaime...what are you-"

"Will you marry me?", he said straightforwardly, his whole being so desperate for it that the words just tumbled from his lips by their own accord. The wind blew through the trees, rustled in the green leave that had already grown. Some birds chirped. It sounded strange in his ears. Didn't want to go with the damp pounding of his heart in his ears.

"What?"

"Marry me", he said again. "Please."

"I- " Brienne looked just as startled as he had expected. Staring at him as if he had lost his mind. It was not that she had thought he wouldn't want to marry her. It was just that she hadn't known he had been thinking about it.

"Yes", she stammered then, "but-"

"Yes?", he interrupted, not quite sure why he was so surprised and felt the relief flooding through him. Maybe he hadn't been so sure of her answer after all.

"Yes", she repeated slowly, "but you-"

"Really?"

"Jaime." Brienne lifted her hands in a soothing gesture. "Wait a second, I- Are you sure about this?" The seriousness in her voice threw him a bit off course.

"W-What do you mean? I love you-"

"What do I mean?" She rose her eyebrows disbelievingly. "Honestly, do **you** know what this means?"

"Of course", he assured eagerly. "I spoke to your father. He gave me his blessing. Well, more or less-"

"Father doesn't matter", she broke him off again. "Wait, I-"  
She squeezed her eyes shut for a second as a thought occurred to her, slightly shaking her head. When she opened them again, there was a hint of reproach in her gaze. "If this is only about this silly dishonour business-"

"It's not", he silenced her immediately with a step in her direction. "Honestly, it's not." She scrutinized him, apparently weighing off if he was convincing, but then her features softened a little.

"Good", she said. "Because it's nonsense and you know it. But still, you do know that this means you have to live here, on Tarth", she added then unnecessarily. Of course he knew. It was the whole point.

"Yes."

"And you would?"

"I want to."  
Brienne stared at him. More doubt in her eyes than he would have liked.

"Jaime Lannister?", she said sarcastically. "Here? Leading a perfectly ordinary life?" It sounded ridiculous when she said it like this, but very well, he could play that game if she wanted to.

"I wouldn't call being your husband perfectly ordinary", he therefore smiled sweetly, "but apart from that-"

"Don't joke right now", she almost snapped at him, "this is serious." Jaime sighed.

"Of course, it's serious!", he replied a little desperately, "I want you to marry me and you said yes." Brienne crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Did I."

They looked at each other, staring in silence, he lost for words and she just unwilling to speak. This hadn't gone as planned. He drove his hand through his hair, opened his mouth, realized that he didn't have the words and closed it again.  
Brienne watched, a turmoil of emotion in her belly and a muddle of thoughts in her head. She could see his distress, couldn't stand that she was torturing him in that way, but she felt obliged to do so. For him. And for her, too. Of course she wanted to marry him. Of course she wanted him to live on Tarth with her. Of course she had dreamed about him offering all this to her. She dreaded the idea of him leaving her alone here, but what was even worse was the thought that he would wake up some day and realized that he was trapped in a life he didn't want. That he would feel obliged to stay because he had been so unwise to bind himself to her. So she had to make absolutely sure that he knew what he was doing before she could let him make a decision he might otherwise be going to regret. Even though it could mean that she would not get what she had desired her whole life.

"And what about Tyrion?", she finally asked, calmer and steadier than she actually felt. "And Casterly Rock?"

"I love Tyrion", he waved it away, "but he's happy where he is, and you know I never cared for Casterly Rock."

"What about being a knight?" Jaime straightened visibly. _There we go._ He sighed deeply.

"I won't lie", he said then. "I loved being who I was. You're the last person I need to explain that to. But...I've stopped being that Jaime Lannister a long time ago. And that's okay", he assured her, looking up in her still doubtful face, although he thought to notice a flicker of hope in the blue of her eyes.  
"Our whole lives have been nothing but one long, exhausting fight", he finally said. "And you know I would gladly go through all of it again, I'd fight until the end of my days if you asked me to."

"I'm not asking you to do any such thing for me, Ser Jaime." Her voice was suddenly so soft and gentle, he felt a tension falling off of him that he didn't even know had been there before. He nodded. He would have given his life for her, gladly even, he knew and she knew, he almost had done so several times after all. But she wouldn't have thanked him for it.  
 _Unlike Cersei. She would have expected it._

"I know", he smiled gratefully," and I thank you for it. I will be honest with you, it's quite a relief to know that I can finally lay my sword to rest. And even more so since it's at your feet", he added, pausing to take a deep breath. "I'm tired, Brienne", he finally sighed, and the honesty of it took her breath away. His voice, his face, his eyes, all open and raw like she had barely ever seen him before. "Aren't you tired too?" He looked at her expectantly and she swallowed.

"I am", she heard herself say. She would never have expected it to be that way, and yet, as the words left her lips, she knew them to be true. Jaime smiled, his face lighting up and chasing most of the exhaustion away it had displayed seconds ago.

"Then will you marry me?"

"Yes." Brienne nodded. "Yes, I will."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

_So, this is really what you want_ , Lord Selwyn had said when they told him that evening. _Well then, so be it. Welcome to the family, Ser Jaime._

They wanted to keep it small. Intimate. Just the two of them, her father and a Septon. They were going to write to Sansa and Tyrion, but as they knew they were both needed most where they were, they wouldn't ask them to come. There would be time of that later, the whole of their lives to visit and to meet and to be together. Now it was just about the two of them, and that was how they wanted it to be. Lord Selwyn understood. He would organise what was needed, he said. It shouldn't be long until the wedding could take place. Her **wedding**. This had certainly been quite an eventful day. When she woke up, she hadn't even been engaged, had not even been thinking about engagement -not more than she had since Jaime had agreed to come to Tarth with her, at least- and now they had nearly set a date for the ceremony. She was happy, but she couldn't suppress the slightly uncomfortable feeling in her belly, a hint of...being overwhelmed, now that the day had gotten to some peace and everything was settling down, she couldn't help her head beginning to work.

"Are we really going to get married?", Jaime suddenly heard her say as they got ready for the night. He suppressed a chuckle, leaning down to free himself of his boots.

"Unless you changed your mind, I would say so."

"Hm."

The sound made him stop in his task. He felt his smile vanish and turned around to look at her sitting on the other side of the bed with her back to him.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I didn't say anything", she replied evasively, not even looking up from her feet.

"Exactly." She turned around, but threw only a fleeting glance at him before averting her eyes again as she leaned against the headboard. Jaime kicked his shoes off and climbed up next to her. "Brienne", he said slowly, cautiously "Are you having doubts?"

"No."

"But?"

"But nothing", she said, but to him, it sounded a bit forced. At least she was looking at him now.  
"It's...just a strange thought, that's all", she added when she saw the expression on his face.

"Now, that's a compliment." Everything he earned was a reproachful glance.

"Stop that. You know I only meant that I didn't think I'd ever get married", she explained. Strangely to her, he seemed surprised.

"Seriously?" He rose his eyebrows in doubt. "Could you have avoided it forever? I thought that you had to, eventually." But Brienne just shrugged her shoulders.

"Maybe. Once", she granted. "But I think my father gave up the idea of marrying me off to potential suitors after I joined Renly's Kingsguard."

"What about the line of succession?" He was calmer now, she saw from the corner of her eye how he lay down while she watched her hands in her lap.

"I don't know", she admitted rather vaguely. "I'm sure we would have found a way." She had stopped to think and worry about everything like husbands and marriage a long time ago. Let alone...children. Various unpleasant encounters with even more unpleasant contenders had taught her to let go of the whole idea. It had led her nowhere she would have liked to find herself - it had just never been an option, as far as she had been concerned. Not until-

"You won't have to worry about that anymore now."  
The light-hearted remark startled Brienne more than she dared to admit. She threw a glance at Jaime next to her. He had closed his eyes, seemed relaxed. She was glad he didn't see her swallow hard before she continued, surprised about herself how desperate she was to lead the conversation in another direction.

"What made you think I would say yes?" He smirked, opening one eye that sparkled at her mischievously.

"You did." Brienne rolled her eyes.

"Don't be so pleased with yourself." Jaime wiggled his eyebrows with such a smug expression that she had to suppress the urge to slam a pillow into his far too handsome face.

"Come on, how did you know?", she simply probed instead, infected by his content smile.

"Well, you knew I'd never ask you to give up your remarkable sword and armour", he gave to consider and watched amusedly how Brienne's eyebrows rose.

"As if anyone could."

"I'm handsome?"

"Very superficial."

"You like me."

"Ah...Careful there", she interjected. "I admitted that I love you. I never said I like you." Jaime breathed in dramatically, placing his left hand over his heart in pretended mortification.

"You wound me", he said no less theatrically. "That put me in my place, I must say. Maybe I don't like you either." He tried to sound deliberately sulky, but the twitch in the corner of his mouth was unmistakable. She grinned and leaned down to place a quick kiss on his lips.

"You do." Her grin grew broader when he failed to hide a smile.

"That's because you're perfect." Brienne shook her head in a mixture of embarrassment and amusement.

"Now you're being silly." He smiled the kind of smile that was clearly saying _No, I'm not_ , but he stayed silent, just watching her for a moment. The smile that was playing around her lips now, the slightly dishevelled hair, everything that was her, everything that would be his.

"I didn't know you would say yes", he admitted then, only returning to a serious tone for a second before his lips formed a grin again. "I thought you might be bored of me, here, without the excitement of danger and almost certain death."

"I can live without death staring at my face all the time, thank you very much", Brienne replied, fondly rolling her eyes at him again. "Maybe you'll be the one to get bored. By me. By this life", she added quietly, only a hint of uncertainty audible in her voice that he probably just noticed because he was so very familiar with its tone by now.

"Oh, undoubtedly", he agreed. "Women like you, you're so intolerably common. Our life as husband and wife will be terribly tiresome." He watched in amusement how she obviously tried to hold back a smile, but it broke its way on her lips despite all her efforts.

"You're insufferable", she sighed, slamming herself down on the pillows and Jaime chuckled. Lifting himself up, he leaned on his good arm to look down at her.

"But you love me", he grinned, watching how Brienne closed her eyes for a second, slightly shaking her head -about him, about her, about them-, and the most gentle smile appeared on her face. When she opened them again, he felt as if he could drown in the warmth of their blue depths. She lifted a hand to his face, stroking over his cheek with the back of her fingers.

"Unfortunately."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you won't feel I'm going to fast after the slow pace of the last one, but I'm just so impatient to get them where I always wanted them...and we're finally getting SOMEWHERE, aren't we?   
> Did it pop up in anyone else's head that they seem a bit like Nik and Gwen at the end? It wasn't on purpose, but I just thought...maybe it's just me. Don't know. Anyway./>  
> If you feel like telling me what you think about that or any feedback on this chapter, I'd be very grateful!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okaaaaaaay, FINALLY.   
> We're there, everyone, and I didn't want you waiting any longer, so we're jumping right to the day of the wedding!!! Ohmygod I'm so nervous. If this chapter is bad then I'm probably gonna cry or something. Because THIS IS IT, right? One of those chapters everyone is waiting for. No pressure at all, of course. Oh wow, I hope it's better than I think...   
> I just wanted to give you (and me as well) a bit of fluff-time, you know? I pray that it worked how I intended it to turn out. If not, I'm deeply sorry in case I disappoint anyone. But that's okay, you can never please everyone, right? Anywayyyy I'm just babbling.  
> If you did miraculously like it though, I would honestly be SO grateful if you told me. I'm such a review-junkie it can't be healthy.  
> And in any case, thank you very much for reading!

He saw Brienne when he turned around the corner. She was waiting just where she had said she would before they parted to get ready for the ceremony. Despite it all being a small and familiar assembly, Lord Selwyn had insisted on proper clothing at least.  
 _Would you meet me again, before it starts?_ , Brienne had asked when they were supposed to go their separate ways. _I would rather we arrived there together. I know that's not how it's usually done, but we've never taken the common path, have we?_

"You came", she said now as he walked towards her and he could see how at least some of her strain fell off of her shoulders at his sight. Jaime smiled.

"I dreamed of you." He couldn't even begin to understand in how many ways these few words were screaming out the truth to her. He had been dreaming of her at night, last night, the night before a battle, in all those cold and lonely nights on his way to Winterfell. He had been daydreaming about her too, wondering where she was when they were apart, imagining what she did, asking himself what she was thinking. If she ever thought about him the way he was constantly occupied with her. If she thought about him at all. He had imagined their next meeting, hat planned whole conversations in his head, had dismissed them all as ridiculous and yet he found himself doing it again and again. He had asked himself if they were going to see each other again at all every time they had to say goodbye. He had recalled some moments he had shared with her, the night at the campfire, surrounded by Locke's men. The bath at Harrenhal, although that whole memory was a bit blurred. The day he had given Oathkeeper to her, the awe on her face as she held the sword in her hand for the first time. He had instantly known it was meant for her. _It will always be yours_ , he had said at Riverrun - again, a truth in more ways than one. He had already been hers then too, had been for a long time, and now he was going to confess it in front of Gods and men. That he had been dreaming of her since he could remember, longing to find her, yearning for something without knowing what it was until it was literally pushing him around and swiping him off his feet. Sometimes, in the beginning, it felt like a punch right into his face, but he'd probably have thanked her for it. This impossible, unbelievable, incredible woman that stood in front of him now, ready to wed him. A figure, familiar, yet different. They had made her a dress, but it was nothing like the horrible pink thing they had forced her in at Harrenhal. This looked as if it had been meant to be worn by her (-and it **was** -), a skirt, open at the front, that flooded over a pair of trousers underneath. She squirmed a little as he looked her up and down as if she were able to feel the touch of his eyes on her.

"Don't get too used to me in a gown." He grinned. It was just too much like her to say that.

"I never fell in love with you for your appearance", he replied, slightly leaning forward. "I fell in love with your words, your thoughts, your heart. Do you really think I care what you're wearing? As long as it's your soul..." He breathed a kiss to her cheek. "Your spirit..." She felt his breath at her ear and closed her eyes.

"Jaime, that's hardly the right moment", she whispered a little reluctantly, somehow relieved and disappointed in equal measure when she felt him draw back.

"Sorry, I got a little carried away", he grinned, not looking sorry at all.

"No wonder, I must be irresistible in this monstrosity of ivory satin", Brienne joked, surprised that his eyes didn't display the amused twinkle she had become so familiar with, signalising that he was joining in the teasing. His face stayed calm, his smile soft.

"You're always irresistible."  
She opened her mouth to say something, but the words were lost, blown away by the look in his eyes and she had to gather her thoughts for a second.

"You don't look that bad yourself", she finally detected to hopefully find the thread again. Jaime threw a glance down at himself as if he would see the red vest with golden embroidery for the first time. Brienne would be the Evenstar, their children would be Tarths, but she had wanted him to show who he had been until now, and to be proud of it.

"Oh really?", he said with an innocent shrug of his shoulders. "I thought you'd prefer the version covered in mud and blood." Brienne laughed.

"I fell in love with that version", she detected, watching a smile form on his lips. It was strange...somehow, awed? Disbelieving? Grateful?

"Miraculously..."  
Brienne couldn't help but shake her head fondly.

"Not very", she contradicted him, trying to hold back a smirk. "You should have seen yourself on the dirty ground with that hand dangling around your neck. It was quite dashing." Now Jaime chuckled too, but when his eyes lingered on her then, they were calm, warm and serious.

"You know me better than anyone, and yet, you can still stand the sight of me."  
He would never stop to be awed by her for that.  
She had seen him at his worst, covered in blood, dirt and shit, drowning in self-pity and humiliation. And yet, she had taken what broken pieces were left and built them up to something new and beautiful. No, actually, she hadn't mended him. She had made him mend himself.

"That's **because** I know you." Her voice was so sincere, somehow soft and firm at the same time. He swallowed, nodded. He had to believe her, needed to believe her. And he did. It was inconceivable, but he did.

He couldn't speak anymore, couldn't avert his eyes from her.  
Brienne, who had been his enemy, his captor, his companion. His curse and his blessing, his agony and his cure in equal measure.  
Brienne, who had become his friend, had woken his conscience, had taken his heart without permission.  
Brienne, who had saved his life and saved his soul.

She seemed to know how he felt, just like she always did. Her smile was understanding and kind when she offered her hand to him.

"Shall we, then?"

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

They separated when they arrived in the corner of the gardens they had chosen for its peaceful atmosphere under the willow-trees with their hanging branches, Jaime continuing his walk to the Septon Lord Selwyn had gathered, Brienne waiting at her father's side. When the groom had found his place, the Septon gave a signal and Brienne began to stroll down the aisle on her father's arm. There weren't any guest who could have divided her attention, but even if there were, she didn't think she would have seen anything but him, standing there, glowing, waiting for her. For **her**. Brienne's heart skipped. It still seemed like a miracle. They had been talking just a minute ago, but to her, it seemed as if she were seeing him properly for the first time.

He had grown his hair again after he had left King's Landing. She liked it better that way, loved how the sun reflected in golden sparkles on the soft strands. She had grown rather fond of the beard as well. He looked more like the Jaime she had met in Robb Stark's camp all those years ago - cleaner, less unkept, of course, a bit greyer, but still like him, not the shaven and fiddled version she had seen around his sister. _A nightmare dressed like a daydream_ , she had thought back then. This was not Jaime the Kingslayer though, or Jaime Cersei's brother. Maybe not even Jaime the golden lion. This was **her** Jaime. Still golden, still beautiful, yet different. Natural. Her Jaime had a warm sparkle in his green eyes and a soft smile on his lips as he looked at her. How wonderful it was to love someone that smiled when he saw you. It did strange things to her, that smile. Always had. Even though she was familiar with entirely different sensations by now, it woke a flutter somewhere deep inside of her.

The pebbles stopped cracking under her feet when she came to stop in front of him.  
"Love her", she heard her father say when he laid her hand in his. "Treat her the way she deserves. That's all I ask."

"I will. I promise."

They turned to the Septon, her hands warm around his fingers, the wind blowing through their hair and whispering in the nature surrounding them.

"I'm sorry", he suddenly turned half to the Septon, "could I say something before we begin with the vows, I just-" His brow furrowed. "I'd like to get something off my chest."

He was gestured continue, focusing his attention back on Brienne with a sigh.

"You know that I love you", he then said seriously, "and I couldn't be happier that I'm marrying you right here and right now." She nodded and he took a deep breath, looked down at their joined hands. When his eyes returned to her, they flickered with something that startled her for a moment, something she couldn't quite figure out. "Brienne, **she** won't be there", he said then and she knew what it was. "In our life. Afterwards. I promise, she won't." He paused, breathed again. "You probably know, but I needed to say it out loud."

"I know." Two words, quiet, soft, simple - and he had to close his eyes. She had always been so kind and understanding, far more than she would have needed to be, far more than could have been expected of her, far more than he had deserved. Once again, he couldn't believe how different two people could be.

Cersei, she had been like the other half of his soul.  
But Brienne, she reminded him that he was already whole.

"In my head, I know I've been in love before, but it doesn't feel like it", Jaime suddenly said without having intended to. This was not planned, but the words came to him and he welcomed them, like a flood washing over him, filling every corner of his body until it was too much to be contained, flowing out of him for her to see. "Loving you feels like the first time", he went on, "and maybe it is. Actually, it feels better than the first time. It feels like the first time and the last time and the only time all at once. Does that make any sense?"  
Brienne shook her head, laughing with tears in her eyes and Jaime laughed with her. This beautiful, infuriating, incomprehensible man. He was her better half, the person that turned her from ordinary to extraordinary. Not that she had ever felt like the others. Of course she was different, of course she was special. _Absolutely singular_ , Lady Olenna Tyrell had said. Meant as a compliment. Not always a good thing though. She **had** even been called extraordinary once or twice, but she had never... **felt** like it. Not before Jaime.  
Extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart.

"Thank you", she whispered suddenly.

"For what?"

"Everything." The emotion in this simple word caught Jaime off guard. There was pain, almost concealed by the gratitude. Almost. All the fear she had been carrying around her whole life, the sorrow of being alone, of knowing that she would never be able to gain a man's true respect or even affection. Jaime felt the sting of his own prejudices piercing his heart when he realised that he had made himself guilty of harbouring the same misapprehensions the first time he saw her. How could a woman that big and ugly hope to win the affection of another? How could she be seen as a proper Lady? But that was precisely what had fascinated and attracted him to her in the first place. Her being unconventional went far beyond those superficialities of looks and height - she was a true knight at heart, didn't flinch from anything as long as it was the next right thing to do. She didn't waste her time sitting around with embroideries, dressing up and gossiping. She was wielding a sword, slept between leaves and mud. Her body was huge, bruised and bleeding, her fingernails dirty and her knuckles swollen, but her heart was golden and beautiful, full with enough compassion to fill every corner of the map that had been discovered so far. Only, no one cared to take a second look to see it.  
Until someone did. And he understood that she was hated by men because she made them feel how common they were in comparison to her. And she, she thought she was simply unworthy of affection.  
Until she wasn't. And what she had found went beyond that, a love and desire she had secretly been yearning for.  
And so had he.

The cloak hung warm and heavy around his shoulders as Brienne brought him under her protection ( _How very appropriate_ , Jaime couldn't help smiling to himself) and into her family.

The ribbon was tied and unravelled around their hands, sealing their souls together, binding them as one.

The words of the ceremony came easily from their lips. As if they'd been lingering there for a long time, only waiting to be finally spoken, and perhaps they had.

_Father, Smith, Warrior, Mother, Maiden, Crone, Stranger._

_I am his and he is mine_   
_I am hers and she is mine_

_From this day, until the end of my days._

One flesh, one heart, one soul, now and forever.  
They had been one flesh on the battlefield, back to back, moving as one, two sides of the same sword. One heart had they been long before, even though it had taken them years to lay them bare to each other. Tonight, they would become one soul for eternity.

Obviously there wouldn't be a bedding ceremony. However, Lord Selwyn insisted on pointing out that a wedding wasn't legitimate until its consummation had been taken care of properly.

"Don't worry", Jaime said meaningfully, Brienne blushed deeply and his grin grew broader. "That won't be a problem."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

"We survived." Jaime laughed as he closed the door behind them.  
"I mean", she rose her eyebrows meaningfully, "we got through a lot, but this was terrifying."

"And yet, here we are again", he said, unable to get the smile off of his face.

"Here we are again."

And it would stay like that. The realisation hit Brienne suddenly. Of course, she had known, but she had never... **known** like at that moment. They were married. Bound together by more than order, companionship or even love. They would stay here. The times of war, loneliness and uncertainty were over. How many years had she spent wandering around like half a person, feeling his absence almost physically? It was like a scar on her heart, a dull ache in her chest. When she had been away long enough, she hadn't felt it anymore, accustomed to it as if it were a part of her body. Then, one of those infrequent encounters that were so much defined by war and chance - those were the only times when she felt like she could breathe properly.  
Missing him was a veil of dark grey over her days. She knew she would regret it if she wasn't careful, would regret him, would regret that she had ever found out what love could feel like. But trying to forget him was impossible, like trying to defend an enemy that had already won. Memorizing him was easy though, even fighting with him had been easy - hard, exhausting, but easy. Like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you. It had never made any sense to her, all those years with this longing for his presence, to reach for something that was clearly unavailable.  
Until it wasn't. And loving him, loving him was-

"Brienne?"

"Hm?" She turned around from the window she had been standing at, staring into a world of fading sunlight without seeing any of it.

"Is everything alright?", Jaime asked, a hint of concern in his warm green eyes. "You seemed a bit absent."

"I was only thinking."

"Thinking what?"

"How lucky we are." His face lit up at her words.  
"You know that you'll never get rid of me from now on, don't you?"

"If I die", he said with a smile, "knowing that I've spent every possible second in your company, I will die a happy man." Her mouth twitched teasingly.

"Good of you to be aware of that."

He chuckled, eyes lowered to the ground, his hair falling into his face and slightly swinging in the rhythm of those beautiful sounds escaping his throat. She watched how his gaze wandered higher, not quite looking up though, lingering on his vest. He reached for the laces on top, fumbling some of them open.

"That's better." His eyes found hers and she cursed herself for biting her lip. She knew that he noticed, saw it in the pleased way his mouth was curling.  
She would have to control herself much better. Couldn't make it too easy for him, after all.

"I can imagine you might want to get out of that dress." _There we go_. Brienne rose her eyebrows, the corner of her lips curling upwards. He didn't know how, but...she managed to look innocent and mischievous at the same time.

"Is that an invitation?"

"Might be." Brienne crossed her arms in front of her chest, eyes sparkling.

"I can take my armour on and off without help", she pointed out, apparently pleased with herself, "what would make you think I couldn't handle some laces?"

"Oh, I'm sure you're perfectly capable", Jaime replied, unimpressed. "But I'd do it so much better."

"Would you, now?"  
She bit down on her lip to suppress a smirk, watching how he tentatively took a step forward. "One-handed?", she added teasingly, followed by a second step. Slow.

"It's a special skill." And another. Tempting.

"Indeed?" One of her brows rose even higher, her eyes sparkling with more than amusement when he came to stand right in front of her.

"In case it doesn't work, I'll just rip it apart", he whispered in her ear as he turned her around to reach the knots at her back. Brienne escaped a gasp, partly surprise, partly...something different. It took him a while as he fumbled, but she could feel how the bodice loosened bit by bit and she drew in a deep breath, relieved as the air filled her lungs.  
"How do women usually breathe in this?", Jaime asked as if he had read her thoughts. Or maybe he had just heard her sigh. She could hear the concentration in his voice, could see the furrowed brow before her inner eye as he worked, probably struggling but determined. She was glad about it. He had made his peace with the loss of his hand, and he had accustomed himself to the life it had left him in.

"Probably not at all", she replied. "They must have learned to live without oxygen for days."

"No wonder you prefer a proper tunic over this." She couldn't help a snort escaping her.  
 _Oh yes, that's why._

"There you go", he said as the last knot fell apart, obviously quite proud of himself and Brienne smiled to the ground.

"Thank you." She had just pushed the garment off her shoulders as Jaime scurried around her so quickly that she was startled for a moment - his nimbleness had always been one of his biggest advantages as opposed to her physical strength.

"You know that I thought it suited you very well though."  
His smile was infectious and she couldn't help but feel grateful. Not grateful that he tried to be nice for her sake like she would have thought not such a long time ago - no, just grateful that she had found someone who could say such an unthinkable thing without any signs of pretence at all.  
Brienne knew that she had never been much to look at. She knew that had neither changed, nor would it ever - but with Jaime, she just didn't care, and that made all the difference. They said that love makes blind, but she didn't abandon herself in the illusion that she miraculously transformed into something beautiful under his gaze. It simply didn't matter that she wasn't much for him either. She didn't have to be. She was everything either way.

"Anyhow", he smirked abruptly, bringing her back from pleasant thoughts to an even more pleasant view, "I think I like it even better when it's off." His grin widened when Brienne's eyes narrowed scoldingly, unable to hide the promising shimmer though.

"Jaime."

"What?", he asked, a voice so full of innocence that it didn't want to go with the mischievous sparkle in his eyes at all. "It covers too much of this creamy white skin", he added, brushing his fingertips over her throat down to her collarbone before he suddenly leaned forward, slowly tracing the same path with his lips.

"A skin full of freckles and scars", she whispered, a little breathlessly though.

"A skin full of history", he said, the words vibrating through her body as he breathed a light kiss to the soft spot right behind her ear. It was a history of pain, ridicule and humiliation. A history of bravery, strength and stubbornness. A history of hope, honour and love. A history of her. And at some point, a history of them.  
Jaime wandered from her neck to her left shoulder, passing three parallel red marks on his way there. He could still remember how they had looked the day she had received them, wet and bloody lines ripped through soft flesh as the claws of the big brown creature had hit her. He kissed each one of them, wishing that she might forget all those bad memories if he just loved her enough. Just like the scars faded...  
He was glad they would never disappear completely though. He loved them. They were like a book for him to read. Her body like a map. Every mark a path he could trace, every freckle begging to be touched, her whole being made to be worshipped. All those perfect imperfections that made her the wondrous creature she was.

"Not all of it nice to be remembered", she breathed out just then, contradicting him in his praise of her even in his **thoughts** as it seemed, but her voice lost itself in a quiet moan and Jaime's lips curled into a smile on her throat.

"Shush now", he whispered against her ear and Brienne felt a shiver running down her spine. "This is our wedding night. And we have a promise to your father to fulfil."


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, just quickly wanted to point out that I hate the middle part. I just can't write Selwyn, probably because he wasn't in the show and I'm unable to define his character, I don't know.
> 
> That's all, I just need a bit of whining sometimes. Hope you like how this unravels, though...

Brienne was standing on a hill on Tarth, the wind blew around her and brought the salty promise of ocean and freedom with it. The moonless night was dark, but the stars glowed like campfires in the blackness to guide her way. She could hear the waves crashing against the shore and the wind in the trees, a soft breeze that stroked through her hair like the fingers of a lover.

She opened her eyes, blinked and realized that it **was** the fingers of her lover. No. Her husband. He smiled down at her as she squirmed sleepily, trying to chase the drowsiness away.

"Good morning."

"Morning", she mumbled, a yawn escaping her throat. 

"Sorry if I woke you. But it's time for breakfast." Brienne rumbled slightly, crawling deeper under the warm furs, cuddling to his side.

"Skip it." Jaime smiled fondly at her muffled voice.

"Is it really appropriate for the Evenstar not to be present at breakfast?" She moaned. She had forgotten.   
_Now, with you getting married, it seems the right time for me to step down_ , her father had said. It hadn't been much of a fuss, gladly. No ceremony or something, the question of reign had always been more of a family matter. The handover had been announced jointly with the wedding, and that was all it took to make her officially the ruler of Tarth.

"It's appropriate for the morning after her wedding", she said, rolling onto her back to be able to see his face at her next words. "We should practically be on our honeymoon, after all." Jaime smiled and leaned forward to brush a lost strand of ruffled hair out of her forehead. 

"We've come quite a long way, haven't we?", he suddenly said as if more to himself, a faraway look in his eyes even though his gaze was still resting on her face.

"Well, yes", Brienne agreed, the corner of her mouth curling. "That's...one way to put it." Jaime raised his eyebrows.

"And how would you put it, then?"

He watched how she heaved herself up to a sitting position next to him, shoulder leaned against the headboard. 

"Well", she said deliberately slowly, "I would say that until now, usually, **you** 've been rushing into danger, but gladly for you I'd be right behind you, fighting by your side or pulling your stupid ass out of trouble. Whatever might have been needed more frequently", she added casually with a sweet smile that grew even wider when he crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Oh, really?"

"Really."

"What about the times **I** was the one pulling your ass out of trouble, as you call it?" She innocently shrugged her shoulders.

"Can't remember those."

"What about that time you nearly got eaten by a bear?", he asked challengingly, the amusement shining from his eyes. He loved this side of her, the playful, teasing, carefree Brienne that seemed to be reserved for him alone. He felt the corner of his mouth twitch uninvitedly. "Doesn't ring a bell?"

"Not really."

"Or my absolutely brilliant and day-saving stories about sapphire mines?" She shook her head, unable to hide the grin any longer though.

"Nope." Jaime grinned back.

"Very interesting", he said. "Must be a sort of amnesia." Brienne sighed dismissively.

"Sad for you that it's **my** word that counts in the end", she detected, watching in satisfaction how his eyebrows shot up.

"Because you're the Evenstar?"

"No", she said with a smile so sweet it seemed almost a little insidious. "I don't need a title to rule **you.** I'm your wife, after all."   
_True enough,_ Jaime thought _. No way to argue with that. Or desire._

"My wife", he couldn't help but grin. "I like the sound of that."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

The words rang in her ears, seemed to swell to a single sound until it drowned out the rest of the conversation Jaime and her father were having about the future. Her future. Their future.   
She should participate, she should be equally carefree and enthusiastic. She shouldn't flee from it.

"Would you excuse me?", Brienne heard her own voice like someone else speaking from far away, her body moving without any instructions.

Jaime watched how she got up from the table, the chair scratched over the floor and echoed in the sudden silence her hurried announcement had left.  
"I'm feeling a bit tired today." She put her napkin next to the plate.

Lord Selwyn cleared his throat. "Well, of course..."

"Thank you." 

Jaime looked after her as she left, apparently trying to slow down her pace, and he threw a puzzled glance at her father, whose face displayed an equal amount of bewilderment. He stood up slightly, gesturing that he would better follow her, and his father-in-law gave a nod of assent.

"Brienne?", he asked cautiously as he caught up with her on the stairs leading to the corridor where their chamber was located. "Is everything alright?" She didn't even look at him, kept her eyes strictly on the carpet in front of her.

"Yes, of course." She tried to sound light-hearted. She knew she didn't manage. She knew he wouldn't fall for it. He didn't.

"I have a feeling that something is bothering you."   
It was. _You'll need an heir_ , she heard Lord Selwyn's words in her ears. She shook her head, trying to get rid of her father's and Jaime's voice in equal measure.

"Everything's fine." She opened the chamber door and slipping inside in relief, as if it were able to create a wall between her and these questions she didn't want to think about. Of course, it didn't. Jaime was right behind her and with him, he brought what she was trying to escape from.

"Bri, I don't think you're being honest with me", he said as he closed the door with his back, leaning against it for a moment, a hint of reproach in his voice, but mostly concern. She sighed.

"Can't you just...leave it?", she asked a bit too desperately, cursing herself for her lack of self-control. She'd never been good in hiding her feelings. Not from him.  
"Please. I said I'm fine, okay? It's nothing", she added calmer, hoping that it would convince him, knowing that it wouldn't. Jaime stayed silent for a second, his gaze locked on her until she had to turn away out of fear he would be able to read the truth in her eyes. She could feel them on her back, burning into her skin.

"Don't lie to me." His voice was calm. So calm that she had to turn around and face him. "I thought you knew that you can tell me everything", he said, still leaned against the door as if to prevent her from leaving. Escaping. "I hoped you would talk to me if something's bothering you, no matter what. If you don't want to, it's okay. I can deal with that. But don't you dare lie to me, Brienne." She opened her mouth, closed it again.

"I'm not-"

"I've had enough of that!", he cut her off, his voice finally growing louder. "I'm a Lannister. If small lies affect us, we won't last past childhood, but that doesn't mean we don't notice them. I learned to ignore my conscience, but it was you who woke it again", he reminded her, pointing at her reproachfully and she felt the familiar sting of guilt poking through the wall of stubbornness that was her self-protection.  
Jaime sighed. "So don't pretend. I know you too well."

"I-I..." She stammered, startled by his sudden outburst.   
"Y-You're right, I'm sorry." 

He could see something flicker in her eyes, like a wall crumbling behind them, and followed her as she sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Forgive me", he said softly, laying his hand over hers in her lap. "I didn't want to snap at you, I'm just worried about you." Brienne nodded.

"I know, I know."

"And will you tell me?" His eyes were so kind and calm, her mouth opened of its own accord, but before the words could slip from her lips, the thought of all the warmth vanishing from them made her close it again, lips pressed together tightly. Jaime drove his thumb over the back of her hand.

"I don't want to press you", he said soothingly. "But perhaps I can help you."

"I-" She wanted to tell him. She had wanted to speak to him since the matter had first been addressed and every time since whenever he brought it up again.   
She wanted. She couldn't. She was scared.   
She knew how important it was to him, how much he had always wanted to be a father, how he had suffered because he didn't get the chance. But she was scared. She didn't want to disappoint - herself, her father, him.   
_It's what I've always wanted too, so why am I still scared?_

"I don't know if I'll be a good ruler", she found herself saying instead. It was a thought that was indeed circulating in her head. Not the thought that was upsetting her mostly, though. Not what she had actually needed to say. Jaime didn't seem to notice. Or maybe he did. She couldn't tell.

"That's it?", he asked disbelievingly. "Don't worry about that. You'll be wonderful. And your father will advise you", he added, knowing that it had been a great consolation for her when Lord Selwyn offered to keep being part of the government by taking a seat in her council. 

"But I'm not a leader", she countered a bit weakly. Tediously familiar. Pod had said nothing, back then. Jaime did.

"That's not true." She opened her mouth, but he cut her off. "You don't **like** to be a leader, that's a totally different matter. You don't like it, but you're good at it. I've seen it myself in Winterfell. Actually, you may even be as good **because** you don't want it", he thought aloud. "Perhaps the ones who are best suited to power are exactly those who have never sought it." His mind wandered to Robert and Joffrey and Cersei. To Ned Stark, Sansa, Tyrion. The ones hungry for power, but unable to make themselves worthy of it, and those that had been forced in their positions because they knew there was no one else more entitled to pursue it. 

"And why should anyone follow?"   
_Because you're you,_ Jaime thought.

"Because-" He broke off. She wouldn't understand. She had never seen herself as others saw her, as he saw her.   
"Listen, I-...", he began, searching for the right words, "I've always-" He trailed off. The thought that had popped up in his head seemed so simple, so perfect, but to her...

"What?", Brienne asked, the wrinkle in her brow somewhere between curiosity and suspicion. "What were you going to say?" Jaime smiled wrily.

"You'll laugh at me." She rose her eyebrows, surprised and now clearly intrigued.

"No, I won't", she promised. "Come on. Out with it." She gave his shoulder a playful shove, watching him as his eyes wandered to her hands in her lap before returning to her face.

"I- I've always...loved your hands", he smiled then. "Did you know that?" She looked puzzled.

"My hands?"

"Yes." He could see how her mouth curled, suppressing a chuckle, and he drove his hand over his face. "You promised you wouldn't laugh."

"I'm not!", she defended herself, pressing her lips together and taking a deep breath. "See? I'm not", she then said calmer, narrowing her eyes questioningly.   
"Why?" She looked at her hand, turning it as if she were seeing it properly for the first time. 

"Why would you-" Her eyes suddenly widened, darting up to his face and Jaime shook his head with a fond smile. He didn't have to be a mind reader to know what she was thinking.

"No, it's not that", he said truthfully and her features softened. "It's more that...they are safety", he said then, lacking a better expression to put something not quite tangible in words. "I've seen them swollen and scarred and bleeding", he explained slowly, "sometimes even covered in someone else's blood, but I've always trusted them completely. I knew they were capable of violence and murder, but for me, they've always been nothing but protection." He took one of her hands in his, drove his thumb over the rough skin of her fingers. "Right from the beginning, and I've never, I've never trusted...anyone, you know, I never could-", he paused, swallowed, eyes fixed on their joined hands, "King's Landing, there's always been so much...betrayal and lies and...in **her** world, I just didn't know. And then, it sounds ridiculous, I mean, I didn't know you at all, but I saw those hands and I couldn't help but trust them." 

She could do nothing but watch in awe as he played with her fingers, grateful for every second that passed without him expecting her to say anything, lost for words as she felt. But he hadn't finished yet anyway.

"Do you understand what I want to tell you?", he asked, the intensity of his gaze matching the seriousness in his voice. "You're someone that people can put their trust in, someone that people **do** put their trust in. I have trusted you from the very moment you flung me into that boat, as unrealistic as it might seem - I did. And everyone with the slightest hint of character knowledge is going to put their trust in you, too. If they're wise, they will follow you. And they won't get disappointed. Because that's just who you are."

She looked down at him, so tidy and clean and beautiful and smiling wrily. Then the image flickered. Switched before her inner eye to another Jaime, younger and weaker, naked and dirty and wet. _You need trust to have a truce_ , her own voice filled her ears. The other Jaime stared at the water, sticky strands of hair falling in his face. _I trust you_.

"I-" She swallowed. "I don't know what to say."

"That's okay", he replied softly. "You don't need to say anything."

"I...I didn't-" She broke off, and Jaime nodded understandingly, believing the sentence to be finished. And maybe it was.

"I know", he smiled, not a hint of approach in his voice. "Of course not. You couldn't. Not back then. And you shouldn't have", he added. "You would have been stupid to trust me."

"Then I have been stupid sooner than you may think." 

"Really?" His eyes sparkled with something that made shivers running down her spine. "I never thought of you as a stupid person." Brienne just smiled.

"Sometimes I don't mind being stupid."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Brienne had to be present at a council meeting and Jaime passed the time by strolling over the grounds. He liked the peaceful tranquillity of time spent alone in nature, the birds in the branches of trees that were moved by the salty breeze coming from the sea, the calming sound of waves breaking at the cliffs when he headed towards Shipbreaker's Bay, the sun that reflected in sparkles on the water of lakes as it made its way over the sky.  
Some days, it took hours, but he didn't mind. Even though he missed Brienne whenever they were apart. It sounded stupid, as they had spent every possible second in each other's company ever since he had returned to Winterfell all those months ago, but as soon as she left the room, he felt her absence almost physically - as if they were attached by an invisible thread that stretched uncomfortably the further they were apart.  
Jaime used those hours to think about everything he was usually avoiding, whatever he had managed to shove away found its way back in his mind during this time of quiet loneliness. He had learned to welcome it, knowing that he would have to face his worries eventually, and when would be a better time and place than there and then, alone and unhurried.  
The trees were already casting long shadows over the grass as his father-in-law suddenly appeared in sight, coming towards him. How unusual. His thoughts had just been wandering to the man in question, had recalled their last conversation. They were talking more often since the wedding, the atmosphere increasingly at ease even when they were alone. Lord Selwyn was without question the same slightly harsh character he had been at his first entering Evenfall, but they made progress, Jaime thought contently as he came to meet his father-in-law.

"Have you finished, then?", he enquired when they reached each other.

"Yes." For a moment Lord Selwyn looked as if he was going to say something else, but nothing came, so Jaime just nodded slightly.

"Good. Thank you." He wanted to make his way back to the castle, assuming that Brienne had just sent her father to inform him about the end of the meeting, but he hadn't even made three steps when he was held back by him clearing his throat.

"Jaime."  
 _Jaime_. Not **Ser** Jaime. It had been three months since the wedding, their conversation became more frequent, but he had never called him Jaime. He turned around in surprise.

"Mylord?"

"I...", the older man began hesitantly, a sudden insecurity in his eyes that was very unlike the former Lord of Tarth. It lasted only a few seconds though, not even long enough for Jaime to be sure that it had actually been there before he quickly gathered himself to continue with his usual calmness and composure. "Do you have a moment?"

"Of course."

"I wanted to thank you", his father-in-law went on, taking him even more by surprise. "And I owe you an apology. My behaviour towards you when we first met was very wrong. I-"

"Please, Mylord", Jaime interrupted him, dumbstruck by the unfamiliar bashfulness in Lord Selwayn's voice, "it was comprehensible."

"Perhaps", the older man replied seriously, "but that's no excuse. I know that now. You make her happy and I see that she loves you very much", he added with a calm smile that threw Jaime more off-course than his usual reserve. He had learned how to deal with that, slight mockery even, had learned to take it with humour. But this was new.

"And I love her", he simply said, for it was the only thing that seemed to come to his mind.  
Lord Selwyn bowed his head in acknowledgement. He knew. He wouldn't have allowed him to marry Brienne for anything less, after all.

"Yes. Obviously, you do", he agreed, "And I thank you for it."

"Please don't." Jaime shook his head dismissively. "It's me who should thank her. She's the best thing that could have happened to me", he said truthfully, holding the Lord's gaze as he scrutinized Jaime for a moment, but not like he had done all these weeks after his arrival. Jaime couldn't quite figure out what was going on in the other's head, but his expression had certainly lost all the suspicion it had displayed so many times before, his eyes were more open, the cold sparkle in them had disappeared.

"You saved each other", he finally said. A detection, not a question.

"In many ways."

"You're a good man, Jaime", Lord Selwyn went on, "a good husband. And I'm sure you're going to be a good father as well."  
Jaime's heart fluttered at those words, the usual mixture of fear and excitement filling his belly at the thought, but he swallowed both for the moment.  
"I'm glad you found each other", his father-in-law told him then, the softness in his voice confirming his words to be sincere. "And I hope you can forgive me my misjudgement."  
Jaime bowed his head.

"There's nothing to forgive, Mylord." Brienne's father smiled.

"Enough of that", he said light-heartedly. "Selwyn, please. We're family", he reminded him. "And we're connected by something even stronger than that. Because we both love her more than anything else in this world."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

When Jaime went up that evening, his heart felt lighter than it had in years. He had everything he had ever hoped for. He was married to the woman he loved, had a family that actually deserved that name, a place he had learned to call home, and soon, hopefully...

As he entered, she was already asleep. Not wanting to disturb her, looking so peaceful, wrapped up warmly in the white sheets, he just pecked her on the forehead and left the room as quietly as possible to change in the dressing room next door.

When he returned, he had expected to find Brienne just the way he had left her a few minutes ago, but instead, Jaime found himself standing in the door of their bedroom, stuck to the ground, stopped in his steps and unable to move, staring at the scene in front of him.

She was awake and standing in front of the drawer, a steaming cup in her hand and an expression of distress on her face as she looked back at her husband that had just appeared in the doorframe.

"Brienne, what is that?"  
He didn't bother detecting that she had woken up, his eyes fixed on her hand, following it as she put the cup down.

"Jaime..."

"Brienne, please tell me that's not what I think it is."  
He could smell the typical scent of the herbs even from the distance. He had smelled it countless times, his sister's delicate fingers wrapped around a golden goblet. This scene was so different and yet the same, but his mind was not ready to wrap around what his sense already knew. Brienne opened her mouth without saying anything, throwing a quick glance at the cup, then returning her pleading eyes to Jaime.

"You are taking Moon tea", he observed, her silence answer enough. "Why?"

"I believe you know the purpose", she replied silently.

"Yes." Jaime hesitated. Struggling to comprehend the meaning of all this, unwilling to accept the obvious. "But I thought-...I thought we were trying-" He broke off before his voice had the chance to abandon him. "And yet here you are-", he said instead, gesturing a bit too vigorously to the liquid on the drawer. "I-I don't understand."

"I think you do." Brienne's voice was firm, but she didn't look at him.

"You prevent yourself from getting pregnant", she heard him speak out loud what was clear to both of them. "But your father said-"

"I don't care what my father said", she snapped, more aggressively than intended, gathering herself before she continued. " **I** am the Lady of Evenfall Hall now."  
Jaime looked at her uncomprehendingly.

"Then you must also know that you're going to need an heir", he pointed out to her annoyance, repeating almost literally Lord Selwyn's words that had been burnt in Brienne's mind for the last weeks.

"Of course there has to be an heir", she agreed slightly impatiently, "but I reject to have a child only because I'm forced to."

The words echoed in Jaime's ears even as they faded in the silence around them.  
"That's how you see it?" He couldn't get himself to say any more than that.

"I don't have any other way to see it." The defiance in her voice awoke a spark of anger in him, but he swallowed it, knowing that their mutual stubbornness would only make matters worse.

"Don't you want children?", he asked instead, controlling his voice to the best of his ability, both craving and fearing her answer. "Is that it? I know we never talked about it before, so-" It was true, he had tried to bring it up several times, but they had never really spoken it through... He had noticed that she had always led the conversation in a different direction as soon as they approached the topic, but he'd skillfully dismissed it as coincidence rather than intention, had swiped the thought aside before it had even been formed properly.  
A shaking of her head brought him back from his thoughts.

"It's not that I don't want children, exactly", Brienne contradicted him hesitantly, "it's..." She trailed off, unsure how to express what was bothering her, but Jaime came ahead of her before she had found out.

"It's that you don't want children with me." The words were said slowly, expressionlessly, only the slightest hint of a question mark reverberating around them. He hadn't had that thought before, didn't really believe that he was what made her hesitate, but his own worries let his lips form the words before he could stop them.  
Brienne's eyes widened without him noticing as his gaze was lowered to the ground.

"W-What?" He could hear the shock in her voice though, heard her steps when she finally left her place at the drawer and neared him.  
"Jaime..." She reached out to touch his arm, but thought better of it, the fear that he would withdraw from her touch too strong. She had seen it too many times with too many men, and with him, she wouldn't be able to stand it.  
"No", she said pleadingly instead, "that's not- What makes you even say such a thing? Of course that's not the reason and you know it", she finished softly, praying that he **did** know.

"What makes me say that?", he repeated disbelievingly, filled with anger again and unable to suppress it this time. "Are you really asking **what makes me say that?** " His voice echoed from the walls louder than he had intended and Brienne flinched slightly at the sudden outburst, but he didn't care.  
"You, of course!", he went on, not trying to silence his words or to hide the hurt in them. "Tell me, what am I supposed to think when I am in the assumption that we are trying to have a child and then I find you...with this!? Telling me you don't want to be forced. Forgive me if it sounds to me as if -" He broke off suddenly, couldn't even say it out loud. He was breathing heavily and tears had started to form in his eyes, but as he looked at Brienne, he saw that her expression was even more pained and his anger instantly gave way to exhaustion, an inner emptiness that made him sigh sadly.  
"When it has nothing to do with me, and I believe you that it hasn't...what is it then?", he asked, calm now. "Because I see clearly that something is wrong, Brienne, and I must know what it is, because...I can't pretend", he told her. "I want this. I want to have children, I want to have a family. I want **us** to be a family. And I need you. We need to go through this together, neither of us can do it on our own, I need to know that you're by my side and...and that you want all that too." His voice cracked and faded away while Brienne kept staring to the ground, obviously suffering as well. Jaime waited for her to reply, he had said everything there was to say, it was her turn now, and after some moments passed in silence, she did finally speak.

"I don't want them to be like me...", she whispered only just loud enough for him to understand.

Jaime stared at her in shock. He had imagined many scenarios what she might say, that she would think it too soon, that she wasn't ready, that it was inconvenient during the first time of her reign, even that she didn't want her children to have the Lannister genes.  
 _And I wouldn't have blamed her,_ he thought. _My family is a sort of disease._ _But_ _ **her**_ _?_

"Wha-", he stuttered when he had found his voice again, "..I-I don't..Bri...what..?", he pressed out incoherently, unable to form a full sentence.

"You heard my story, Jaime, you know what my childhood was like because of what I told you", she explained, the desperation audibly growing with every word, "but you weren't **there** , you haven't seen-...You're Jaime Lannister!", she laughed a little hysterically - an unfamiliar sound to both of their ears. "You'll never know-...you can't understand how it **felt** , Jaime, to be bullied..and laughed at...to be lonely and-", she broke off, her voice cracking with emotion as well. He wanted to open his mouth, but she silenced him with a wave of her hand. "I know what you're going to say", she went on, slightly shaking her head. "That you do know the feeling, that being the Kingslayer hasn't been easy either, and I know that it wasn't, don't get me wrong...I know what you've been through and I know-...but it's not...", she struggled, searching for words, unable to grasp them. "It's not the **same**. When you're young and innocent and vulnerable and people don't even care to go behind your back, it's-" She broke off, unable to finish the sentence, closing her eyes for a moment, breathing deeply.  
"What if it's a girl?", she said then as she opened them again, still struggling to hold herself together, "What if it's a girl and she's like me? I couldn't stand it to see that our child has to go through all of this as well..and to know that it's all my fault.."

"Oh, Bri...", Jaime whispered soothingly, tears in his eyes again, but now for a different reason. He stepped forward and wanted to stroke her arm in comfort, but she had already turned away.

"I was never thinking about anything like this", she said to the room, lifting both hands, gesturing around. "I mean, I didn't even expect I would get married, let alone having children! And..perhaps..I started to think that it was best like that...", she whispered more to herself. "Some of the boys working at Evenfall and even the suitors, they all made clear that I better shouldn't pass on my genes, best for me and everybody else, so I wouldn't cause anyone to be equally...strange..", she finished, eyes fixed on everything but him.

"Words are wind."

She looked up. "What was that?"

"Words are wind", Jaime repeated. "Some time ago...I heard someone say that", he managed to smile. "Do you remember who it was?", he asked warmly when he saw the astonishment on Brienne's face.

"Me", she said slowly. "I said that..and you...-?"

"I remember", Jaime confirmed, "it got stuck in my head since the day I first heard you say it..and do you know why?", he asked affectionately, not waiting for an answer, "Because it's true, Brienne. It's true, and it sums you so accurately, both of us, actually. You're not strange, Bri..", he said warmly, but slightly shaking his head in disbelief that they really had to go through all this again. How could she be the only person left who still didn't know how amazing she was?  
"You may be different, but being different isn't a weakness - on the contrary, it's a strength. Isn't everybody different in some way or other?", he added, smiling, when she gave him a doubtful look. "Who decides what is considered as "normal" anyway?", he went on. "Who has the right to make such rules? Your difference causes you to be who you are, and that doesn't make you strange, Bri, it makes you special."

"You really think that, don't you?", she asked quietly.

"I do", he assured her. "Do you think I'm not worried as well?", he added, for she was still looking slightly insecure. "I panicked at first when your father mentioned the whole matter! I didn't know how you would feel about it, I was worried if I would be a good father, regarding that I didn't have one to show me how to be.."

"You'll be a wonderful father", Brienne interrupted him.

"Thank you", Jaime said, "and I know that you'll be the most amazing mother as well, I'm not worrying anymore about us being parents, neither of us, because I thought about it, and...do you know what it is that makes you different?", he suddenly wanted to know. Brienne looked at him in confusion, puzzled.

"It's not your height or the fighting skills or even the knighthood", Jaime said without waiting for an answer, "Although that is all quite impressive", he smirked, delighting in seeing the corners of her mouth twitch as well. "But they're just something like a side effect of your strong, courageous nature...What makes you different it that you don't seek the same things as most people do", he told her firmly. "You're not interested in power, achievements or success. I mean, you have all this", he granted, "but not because you **wanted** it, and that makes the difference. People who think you strange don't understand that there are much more important things in life - things like honour and loyalty, kindness, empathy, love...and you have so much of all this, Bri..." The loving smile she received would have been enough to make her believe everything he said, and yes, she wanted to believe him. So she did.  
"I can't tell what the future will bring", Jaime finished, "I can't promise that there won't be any difficulties on our way, but what I know for sure is that we will both love this child, very much...and what could be more important than that?"

Brienne pressed her lips together, eyes closed, nodded.  
She stood in the room, surrounded by walls and things that usually appeared to be too small for her, but at this moment, she seemed more forlorn and vulnerable than he'd ever thought possible even though he had been allowed to see underneath the layers of steel, toughness and self-protection she took off so rarely in front of others.  
His feet moved without needing instruction and before he even knew it, he was wrapped around her, breathing out when she welcomed his embrace no less firmly.

"Thank you." A whisper, muffled, but full of warmth.

"I love you", he simply replied. "And if we'll really be blessed with a daughter", he said softly in her hair, "I hope she'll be just like you. Brave and kind and with a heart full of love that she's willing to give to everyone who needs it." He could feel her mouth forming a smile through the quiet tears and he closed his eyes.  
"She'll be born in a changing world, Bri", he whispered in the silence. "A world where the war is over and the rightful queen is on the iron throne. A world where dragons exist and White Walkers are nothing but stories." He leaned forward on his tiptoes to press a little kiss to her forehead.  
"A world where the Kingslayers can get redemption. And a world where women can be knights."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw, as we're heading towards the end of this story, I wanted to give you an idea of what I planned so maybe you could tell me if you would like to see anything in particular that I wasn't going to include otherwise. Basically, the last part (or maybe I'll split it in two, not sure yet) will be about the pregnancy period where we'll proceed in time a bit faster than before by showing various scenes through these nine months. And finally, I want to end with a sort of epilogue chapter that takes place some years later:)
> 
> So as said, if you have any thoughts or wishes, don't be afraid to tell me and I'll see what I can make of it!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait!
> 
> I was a bit distracted by my new Braime/Wicked crossover idea, but now I really wanted to finish this first. So now it's here and as we're reeeeeally approaching the end right now, I dearly hope you're gonna like it! It's several smaller scenes as I wanted to stride forward in time a bit quicker, and we have a little bit of everything - angst, comfort and lots of fluffy fluff as always. But you'll see so I'll shut up and let you read.
> 
> I am german, have no beta, all faults are my own. Sorry again.

Brienne looked divine in the sunlight that sparkled on the waterdrops that had got caught in her hair. Jaime marvelled at the play of her muscles as she swam a bit deeper into the lake she had brought him to, one of those she had used to play in as a child.

It was a warm, sunny day, the light breeze moved the grass at the shore and produced little waves over the thorough surface of dark blue water. Brienne stopped and turned around to him, and maybe he was just imagining it, but even though everything around her reflected the sunlight in a mesmerizing glitter, her face still seemed to beam so brightly that it outshone everything else. She was gorgeous - tall and pale and white and without any dark bruises marking the body that had been so accustomed to wearing them. But not anymore.  
The world was light, but she was glowing somehow, radiating something he couldn't quite put his finger on. Something deep. A feeling, maybe. An emotion. An atmosphere.

"You look happy, my love", he observed, contently watching how her smile widened even more.

"I am happy."

"Any particular reason?" He came up to her, casually drawing a line from her shoulder to her collarbone with his index finger, delighting in the little shiver he could see running through her body.

"Yes." He smirked, expecting this _reason_ to be in his favour. He rose his hand to her cheek, stroking it with the back of his fingers, then down her neck and slowly heading lower, when Brienne suddenly caught his hand in both of hers. His eyes darted up to her face, puzzled for a second, but he was immediately captivated by her features that displayed nothing but - he wouldn't have found any other words for it - love.

"Jaime", she said then, smiling calmly. "Jaime, I'm pregnant."

He was glad the water was shallow enough for him to be able to stand.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

"Both are in wonderful health, as far as I can say." The old man straightened up after he had just finished his examination of Brienne's belly, rounded by now.

"Thank you, Maester", Brienne said, shifting a little to sit more comfortably against the headboard. "I'm also feeling very well."

"Oh", the Maester chuckled slightly and Brienne exchanged a slightly amazed look with Jaime in a corner of the room. "Yes, yes", the man went on, "you're in a perfect state concerning your condition, Mylady. But I wasn't talking about you", he added with meaningfully raised eyebrows, gesturing towards the sheets she had covered herself with. Brienne's mouth opened in astonishment.

"But you said-" _Both_. She looked at Jaime who had started to move as well, hesitantly taking a step forward with wide eyes.

"Does that mean-?" He trailed off, staring at the Maester, who smiled in his calm, soothing way.

"Oh yes, Mylord", he confirmed. "Your wife is going to have twins."

o~o~o

"Is it dangerous?"

"Giving birth does always bear some risk, Mylord", the Maester answered calmly, but didn't seem concerned in any way. Very unlike Jaime.

"Yes, but I mean with two, does it aggravate her chances?", he asked and the Maester shook his head.

"She's strong and healthy, I don't see why it should."

"Are you sure?"

"Jaime..." Brienne reached out to him, smiling reassuringly when he made the distance with two big steps to take her hand.  
"I know you're just concerned about me", she said softly, "but that's no excuse to penetrate the poor Maester like that." Jaime's brow furrowed even more if that was possible.

"I didn't-"

"Thank you, Maester", Brienne cut him off, giving the old man a kind smile. He nodded back.

"I will check on you again in two week's time, if that pleases Mylady."

"Of course." She felt Jaime shifting beside her and squeezed his hand a little. The Maester hesitated, apparently noticing the younger man's obviously still troubled state as well.

"Should there be any need for my service sooner, you can call upon me at any hour", he assured therefore, as much to Brienne as her husband. She smiled gratefully and watched how he bowed before finally leaving the room, knowing that he had been dismissed.

The door closed behind him with a gentle creak and her eyes wandered back to Jaime who was gazing down at her in **that** way.

"Don't look at me like that", she said with just the slightest hint of reproach. He just lifted an eyebrow and let go off her hand to drive it over his arm.

"Like what?"

"Like I were irresponsible."

"I never said you were", he countered, but his tone implied quite the opposite. "I simply wanted to know if there are any risks, that's all." Brienne sighed.

"And what if there were?", she asked, suppressing the urge to roll her eyes. She knew he meant well. It was touching that he worried. She just couldn't have him doing so right now.  
"We can't change it now", she went on, unable to hide the hint of exasperation that had stolen its way into her voice. "No need to burden yourself with possible complications that may or may not occur." Jaime looked at her, just looked at her, almost challengingly at first, but she could practically watch how it faded away until he finally lowered his eyes to the ground. And suddenly, he seemed so forlorn that she immediately regretted her harsh tone.

"If you overthink now, it will only make you suffer twice", she continued therefor, far softer now. She didn't want him to feel bad for his worry, but surely, he would understand her as well. She took a deep breath. "And I don't want my remaining months of pregnancy to be overshadowed by a concerned father." She smiled when he looked up.  
"One I can remember was more than keen on having children in the first place", she added, the little smile increasing as she watched how his eyes widened.

"I know", he finally said quietly, nodded. "You're right, I'm sorry. And of course, I still want them", he assured a little more vigorously than would have been necessary, "of course, I do. Nothing would make me happier, I just-" He trailed off, sighed.  
It didn't matter. She knew.

"Come here." She patted on the bed by her side, smiling again as he followed her invitation.

"I've never let a man decide anything for me", she said, taking his hand again. "It's always been my life to risk and to live as I please. My decision. And I chose you. I chose **this**." Her other hand wandered over her growing belly, a loving smile immediately forming on her lips when she thought about what the future would bring them.  
"This will only be the next fight to get through, Jaime", she said, the corner of her mouth twitching suddenly, an unexpected sparkle of amusement in her eyes. "And we aren't ones to yield, are we?" He couldn't help but smile at that as well and Brienne blinked satisfied.  
"No", she went on. "Because we know something. Life and death are one thread, the same line viewed from different angles. We've never been afraid of finding ourselves at the wrong end." She stroked his cheek with the back of her hand. "Let's not start now."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Jaime had insisted on his presence. He couldn't bear the thought to leave the room, to be forced to pace up and down the corridors while he just **waited**. It would have been torture.  
Gladly, Brienne had agreed immediately. He could still feel the crushing grip of her fingers around his hand, but he hadn't minded in the least.

"Jaime, look at them." Her eyes were locked on the two little bundles in her arms, her voice almost incredulous. "Aren't they beautiful?"

"They are. They're perfect", he whispered, pressing a kiss to her forehead as he settled down beside her. "Just like their mother." She didn't reply, but that she didn't contradict him was enough of a good sign for him.  
"You've done so well, my love", he said, his voice muffled by her hair. The birth had been quick for twins, no complications, thank the Gods. Still, it was an exhausting process and he could hear her slight drowsiness as she hummed in return, content and sleepy.

"You must be tired."

"I am tired", she admitted, smiling down at her daughters. "But I don't want to sleep, not just yet. I just want to look at them." Jaime didn't wonder at it. He was sure he could look at them for the rest of his life. So, as much as he wanted her to have the rest she surely needed, he could neither blame her nor deny her this wish.

"Okay." He pressed another kiss to her temple and shifted to find a more comfortable position, but apparently she mistook his movement. Her head shot around, a hint of trouble in the blue of her eyes.

"Would you stay?"

He would have left if she asked him to, would have given her time and space to recover if that was what she needed, but never would he have dreamed of going otherwise.

"Of course", he whispered truthfully. "I would love too." The relieved smile spreading across her face made her eyes sparkle and his slightly wet with tears, but she didn't notice, already turning back to their daughters as she leaned against his shoulder. One of the little girls grabbed her finger in her tiny hand and yawned. Jaime could feel himself melt.

"They look just like you." The soft remark startled him. He closed his eyes at her words, buried the slightly uncomfortable tight feeling in his stomach, concentrating on the smile he could clearly hear in her voice. He'd concern himself with this question later.

"What about the eyes?", he asked instead. "Please tell me they have your eyes."  
She chuckled slightly and the vibration it sent through his body soothed him.

"We'll see."

"I love you", he said just because it seemed impossible not to say it in this moment. "So much." It was almost **too** much, the emotion flooding through him as he watched her watching their children. He had been thrilled before, had imagined her countless times, the way she would look, pregnant and radiant. And it had been wonderful. She had been perfect, she always was. But this was impossibly better. Could someone burst of love and happiness? If so, it would certainly be him right here and now. Brienne turned her head away from the bundles in her arms to look at him again, smiling lovingly before she leaned forwards to place a sweet kiss on his lips.

"I love you too."

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Brienne woke up that night, unsure what had caused it. She turned sleepily, groping for the warmth and comfort of Jaime's body beside her, but found only cold abandoned sheets on the other side of their bed.

"Jaime?" She shove herself upwards, looking around in confusion.

"Oh, hey", his whispered voice came from one of the corners of the room and she immediately breathed out in relief. "You can go to sleep again." She didn't think about it.

"What are you doing?" Brienne sat up and put her feet over the edge of the bed to be able to see him better where he was sitting not far away, leaned over the cradle where their daughters still seemed to be sound asleep. It was the second night they had not woken them at least twice. Or maybe they had and Jaime had calmed them again before she had been disturbed in her own sleep. Her feet found her slippers next to the bed. They made a muffled sound on the wooden floor.

"Just...watching them", Jaime said just as she stepped behind him.  
"They're so beautiful, aren't they?"

"Yes. They really are."

"I could just sit here and look at them all night", he said silently, not taking his eyes off the two sleeping children as if to prove his point. Brienne lay a hand on his shoulder.

"It's been a long day for all of us", she said, stroking his back through the shirt he had thrown over. "You must be exhausted. Come to bed."

"Hm." He hummed, but made no sign to move, still didn't look up.

"You have to sleep, Jaime." She didn't know what it was that made her grow worried as she watched him sitting there. She just felt that there was...something. He didn't reply and she wrinkled her brow in concern.

"Jaime?"

"I-" He swallowed. Eyes fixed on the cot. "I can't."

"What do you mean?" He looked up at her. Finally, he looked up at her and the trouble in his eyes took her breath away for a moment. How should she have known that he had woken up in the middle of the night, trembling and panting for air as he tried to chase the images out of his head. It hadn't been the first time he had dreamed about them. It wouldn't be the last, he was sure. But it had never been as horrible as now, with-  
He threw a glance at the two little girls.

"I'm not sure I can", he pressed out, unable to look at her while he spoke. "I'm frightened. I don't want to go to sleep and find out that this has all been a dream." He had lost too many, too often. Joffrey, who had been his son despite everything. Lovely beautiful Myrcella who died in his arms without any way to help her. Sweet Tommen, sweet obedient Tommen. He hadn't even been there when it happened. Too soon. All too soon.  
"What if I wake up and they're gone?", he mumbled. It was an irrational fear, he knew. But it was there nonetheless. "I have too many nightmares, Bri."

"Hey.." He saw from the corner of his eye how she kneeled down next to him, the safety and warmth she radiated enveloping him like a blanket that somehow enabled him to breathe again.  
"They'll be here", he heard Brienne say. "And so will I. The nightmares aren't real, Jaime. But we are. This is. Trust me."

It was a question, a plea. She could see the tears standing in his eyes as he looked at her again, unsure, hesitating, and it let her heart ache. He threw a glance down at their daughters how they lay there so peaceful and calm and beautiful. He swallowed again. Then, he nodded.

"Okay." Brienne tried to give him a soothing smile, reaching out to him to take her hand.

"Come here." He did. She led him back to the bed, lay down beside him, following the urge to curl around his slightly smaller body in a gesture of protection. He welcomed it, leaned into her for warmth and support as she stroked through his hair.  
"Sleep", she whispered into the silence.

"I love you." Brienne smiled.

"I love you too", she replied and although he knew, hearing it made some of his strain fade away. Love - the most powerful weapon against pain, darkness and death, after all.

"Swear."

"What?" She couldn't see his face, as his back was pressed against her chest, but she could feel how he took a deep breath.

"Swear you'll always love me." Even though she knew how adorable he could be, he still surprised her sometimes. And even though she knew she probably shouldn't, she felt the slight chuckle echoing through her body before she could stop it.

"You're impossible", she whispered with a smile in her voice, amused and loving in equal measure. It lightened the atmosphere, she noticed gratefully when she felt him shrugging his shoulders.

"Impossibly in love with you", he replied, the graveness his voice had displayed moments before almost gone. "More than you'll ever know."

"But I do."

"Do you?" He smiled to himself, pausing a moment. She waited patiently, feeling that there was more he needed to say, surprised at the serious tone his voice had taken when he continued. "You saved me in every possible way and keep doing so every day", he whispered, every word in her ear as clear as a bell. "You have given me everything. Everything I could have wished for. I don't know how I could ever thank you enough for all you've done."

"You don't need to", she simply replied, her voice a bit thick and so full of sincerity that he almost teared up again. "Just love me."

"I promise." And for once, it didn't matter that she was so much better at keeping oaths than he was. This was a vow he knew he would be going to keep.

"And I swear." He smiled gratefully, cuddling deeper into her embrace.

"Chase the nightmares away", she heard him whisper before he closed his eyes and his breathing slowly evened.

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

"The twins?"

"Yes", Sansa confirmed, "two healthy girls, as it seems. Brienne wrote just a few days after she gave birth. And they want us to be godparents."

"Me?" Arya's eyebrows rose up in disbelief.

"Yes." Sansa smirked, unable to suppress it. "I was surprised as well. You, me, Podrick and Tyrion", she clarified, watching how her sister's expression morphed from an indignant frown to a half-hidden smirk that made Sansa suspect no good.

"Sooo", Arya said innocently, "I guess you're gonna see him more frequently, then."

"Who?"

"Tyrion." Arya grinned and Sansa saw her fear come true.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She averted her eyes evasively, pretending to concentrate on the letter in her hands again to hopefully hide the slight blush she could feel burning on her cheeks.

"Oh, nothing" Arya smirked unimpressed and Sansa rolled her eyes behind her sister's back.

"Anyway", she quickly went on, eager to change the subject again, "one of them is called Joanna, after Jaime's mother. And guess what they named the other?"  
Arya's mouth curled in this way only she was able to manage, a mixture of amusement and disgust.

"They didn't call her Sansa, did they?", she said horrified and Sansa groaned.

"No, silly", she shot back. "They called her Catelyn. After mum."

Silence spread in the room, the words rendering everyone speechless for a second, even her sister. Then Arya smiled. Actually smiled.

"Thank the Gods she's a Tarth", she said slowly, almost softly. "Imagine if she were a Lannister. Mum would have hated that, wouldn't she?" Sansa couldn't help but smile back, the corner of her mouth twitching as she answered.

"She'd probably be rolling in her grave."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a little shorter than most chapters, but I spontaneously decided to do one more chapter as a sort of epilogue and wanted to divide the two. So the next one is really gonna be the last, I promise.


	16. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, it's done! I did it oh my god I'm so exciiiiteeeed!
> 
> This is the final chapter. The end to the longest fanfic I've written so far. And this part is a long one as well. It just kept coming and coming. Maybe see it as a sort of goodbye treat. *Sniff*
> 
> Thank you all SO MUCH for sticking with me and this story, for all your kudos and comments and kind words and and and. I really can't express my gratitude in any way that would be even nearly adequate!
> 
> And now before I cry, enjoy the epilogue and I just hope that I managed to give all of us an ending that we're happy with and that puts a smile on your face.

"Come on, Jo", Catelyn called excitedly as she ran in front of her sister, "you said we'd climb the tree today!"

"Climb? A tree?" Joanna wrinkled her nose. "No, thank you, I'll get my dress dirty", she said, stroking over her pink skirt as if to swipe invisible stains off. Cat rolled her eyes. It was a habit of hers.

"They can wash it, silly", she said, trying to grasp her sister's hand in order to drag her forward, but Joanna snatched it away before she could grab it.

"I know they can wash it!", she snapped a little cross. "And I'm not silly. I just don't want to spoil my dress."

"But you promised!", Cat wailed, pointing towards the woods where her favourite climbing tree just waited to be ascended. "And you never cared about your dresses before", she added impatiently.

"Well, I am now", Jo said solemnly, feeling quite mature. "Aunt Sansa said I'm a lady now and ladies don't climb trees", she announced, crossing her arms indignantly as Catelyn just **giggled**.

"You're not a lady."

"But Aunt Sansa said-"

"Aunt Sansa is boring", her sister cut her off, wiggling back and forth on her feet in a **very** un-ladylike manner, as Joanna didn't fail to notice.

"She's a Queen, Cat!" The other girl's eyes sparkled when she smirked.

"Just what I said: boooring." Jo opened her mouth, but she was just too shocked to find any words. "Aunt Arya is much more fun", Cat continued instead. "She wants to help me with my training." Now it was Jo's turn to roll her eyes, but before she could find something appropriate to reply, they were interrupted by the voice of their father as he crossed the courtyard and neared them.

"And what are my little princesses doing on this fine day?"

"Daddy!" They both ran towards him - well, Cat started running and Jo didn't want to be left behind, so she was forced to do the same.

"Hey, what's the matter?", he asked slightly concerned as they came to stand in front of him. "You two could be heard from a mile away."

"No, we couldn't", said Jo quite seriously, shaking her head at her father's ridiculousness.

"That's too far away", agreed Cat in a far more carefree giggle. Jaime smiled in amusement.

"Ah, you're right", he admitted, getting down on one knee to be at eye level with the girls. "You caught me. Why are you two so insufferably clever?" He ruffled through Cat's dark blonde curls and she laughed. "But really, what are you fighting about?"

"Jo says she's a lady now because **Aunt Sansa** said so, but I think that's stupid", Cat blurted out immediately and he had to hold back another grin.

"It is not stupid!" Jo shot a piercing glance at her sister.

"If you are a lady than I am a knight", Catelyn snapped back, causing Jo to roll her eyes rather theatrically.

"You're not old enough to be a knight", she sighed exasperatedly, crossing her arms in front of her chest again in a gesture of defence.

"That's what I said, neither are you to be a lady!"

"Wowowo." Jaime lifted his arms soothingly, silencing both. "Slowly now...What brought this up?"

At that, his two daughters exchanged a glance and he could read in their eyes that they agreed how unbelievable it was that he had to ask this question.

"We're going to be ten soon, Daddy", Cat said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Yes, we're not children anymore", Joanna added, receiving a nod from her sister. Jaime rose his eyebrows.

"Aren't you?", he said, unable to suppress the smirk that was curling the corners of his mouth, but both of his daughters chose to skilfully ignore this display of amusement.

"No", Jo accentuated very seriously. "But that means we have to choose what we want to be instead." Cat nodded her agreement once more.

"A lady or a knight, you mean?", Jaime enquired, brow furrowed when the two girls looked at him rather pleased that he finally understood their trouble.

"Precisely."

"So", he began slowly, looking from one to the other while he considered his words, "why do you have to choose?" The bewildered expressions he earned were adorable.

"What do you mean?", Cat said, utterly confused, exchanging another glance with Jo who shrugged her shoulders to signalise equal lack of understanding.

"Why not both?" Jaime smiled at them, waiting patiently while they thought about his words, practically able to watch how their heads worked. It was so sweet how the expressions changed from surprise to wonder, just to settle on a sort of amused suspicion.

"Nonsense", declared Cat finally.

"You can't be both", added Joanna.

Jaime smiled to himself.

"Well, think of your mother", he said then. "Is she a lady or a knight?"

No consideration this time.

"A lady", Jo replied immediately.

"A knight", said Cat at the same time.

Jaime laughed.

"See? You're both right", he said and they twisted their moths in exactly the same doubtful way. "Because your mommy is indeed a lady and a knight. And so is your Aunt Sansa, in a way", he added, earning a laugh from Catelyn.

"Aunt Sansa isn't a knight!"

"Maybe not exactly, but it needs more than a sword to be a knight, little Cat", he said softly, pleased when her eyes grew wider as she listened to him. "It needs bravery, strength and wisdom", he explained seriously, "and your Aunt Sansa has plenty of those qualities." There was a moment of silence as they considered what he had said, Joanna being the first who looked up.

"So...", she said slowly, hesitant, "I can be a lady but still climb trees?"

"Of course, you can", Jaime confirmed warmly, smiling when he saw a flicker of concern flash over her face.

"But what if my dress gets dirty?"

"Then we're going to wash it, Mylady." Jo giggles at the name and nodded happily.

"That's exactly what I said!" Cat shook her head disbelievingly, but lost no time to grab her sister's hand. "So, are you coming?"

"Yes..." Catelyn squealed and dragged Jo back in the direction of the near forest, her sister following more calmly, but obedient.

"And Cat?" His daughter stopped at the sound of his voice, let go off Jo's hand and quickly came back up to him.

"Yes, Daddy?"

"Remember", he smiled, her green eyes that somehow still looked so very much like Brienne's fixed on his face, "a knight is also sensible and aware of the needs of himself and others. Take care and watch after your sister." She nodded enthusiastically, her face beaming.

"I will."

"Good girl." He stroked through her hair once more. "Get away with you then." She wanted to turn around, but stopped in her movement, glancing past Jaime with a wide smile spreading across her face.

"Oh. Hey, Mommy!" She waved at Brienne who was just about to come up and stand at her husband's side. "You look pretty!" The corner of her mother's mouth twitched.

"Thank you, Catelyn."

The little girl smiled happily as she finally turned around to follow her sister, leaving her parents behind, Brienne next to Jaime, who looked at her from the side with a disbelievingly raised eyebrow.

"Really?", he said with a huff. "She's allowed to compliment you and I just get an eye-roll?" Brienne threw a glance at him from the corner of her eye, the smile turning into a half-smirk.

"Jealousy is not a good look on you, Jaime." He grinned, but she pretended not to see it, keeping her eyes deliberately fixed in front of her.

"Oh, don't pretend", he said slowly. "We both know nearly everything is a good look on me."

"Well..." She paused, feigning to consider his words, "I hate to admit it because I don't want you to be crushed by your own ego.." His grin broadened and she suppressed the urge to roll her eyes just like their daughters used to do so often. Instead, she finally turned towards him, smiling, "But fatherhood certainly is indeed."

Jaime took her hand, lifting it to his mouth to press a kiss to the back of it.

"That's all their credit, really", he said then. "I mean look at them. Our two little ladyknights." They both watched how they half walked, half jumped across the yard, Joanna's long smooth hair glowing in the sunshine next to Catelyn's slightly darker curls.

"They're growing so fast, aren't they?"

He hummed in confirmation. "Seems like yesterday that they were Galaddon's age.  
Where is he, anyway?"

"Sleeping", Brienne said, the corner of her mouth curling. "Father watches in case he wakes. He insisted he'd be able to handle an unconscious five-year-old on his own." Jaime chuckled.

"That one, yes", he granted. "He's always been so calm."

"Thank the Gods." His wife moaned, but he knew it was mostly in jest. "I'm too old to handle another bundle of energy like these two."

"Hm." She looked down at him, wrinkling her brow at his suddenly thoughtful expression.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing." He shook his head. "Sometimes I just wonder..." He trailed off, eyes resting on the ground in front of him for a moment. When he looked back up, there was a shimmer of emotion in his eyes she couldn't quite put her finger on.  
"Did I make the most of loving you?", he suddenly asked then, the seriousness in his voice startling her for a second. "I hope-" He swallowed. "At the end of the day, I don't want you to feel like any things were left unsaid or- I don't know." He paused and she wanted to open her mouth even though she wasn't sure what was happening, but he went on before she had the chance to find any words. "Just-" Jaime squeezed her hand in search for reassurance, "Bri, did I give you all my heart could give? Because that's what you deserve, you and the children, and no less. Do you think I tried?"

"Jaime.." She followed the urge to lift her other hand to his face, puzzled how troubled his eyes shone next to her thumb brushing over his cheek. "I have loved you every day since you sent me to find Sansa", she said, just saying aloud the first thing that had come to her mind. "And I've never wanted or needed anything more from you than that you love me back", she assured him, even though she was not sure why she needed to. His expression softened.

"That I did", he said, his voice a bit husky. Brienne smiled, as he lay his hand over hers, entwining their fingers as she let them sink from his face to hover in between their bodies.

"That you did." She squeezed his fingers reassuringly. "I regret nothing, Jaime."

"Good." He swallowed. "Me neither."

"What brought this up?" He shrugged his shoulders with a sigh.

"Oh, I don't know. Just..life, I guess." He let his gaze wander over the castle. Their home for more than ten years now. "All the shit we went through to get here."

"Just look." Brienne pointed towards their daughters, playing and laughing in the distance. "Look what we created", she said. "If that's not the proof that it's all been worth it, I don't know what is."

"You're right." Jaime nodded. "Of course, it was. Forgive me", he sighed. "Seems I'm getting a little nostalgic in my old days." She shook her head fondly.

"And every one of those days we've been together has been a gift." He smiled.

"There are many more to come."

_o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o_

Tyrion saw from the corner of his eye how Jaime greeted Sansa, Arya and Podrick. It was always a joy to visit Tarth, to see Jaime and to wonder at how the girls had grown. But that wasn't the only reason a wave of happiness flooded through him at the sight.  
Sansa. It had been two years ago, and still, his head seemed unable to believe his luck.

_"What about Casterly Rock?", Sansa had asked that day he had somehow managed to gather the courage for his confession._

_"It was never about the Rock", he had truthfully dismissed with a slight shaking of his head. "In the beginning, I just wanted it because I knew my father would rather die than make me the heir. I won't say that he got what he deserved in the end._ _I'm not proud of it, to be honest."_

_Once, Tyrion had seen the world as a theatre, had thought that men were just actors, all playing roles and wearing masks to survive on the gameboard that was life, especially in politics. He had known to use that, had delighted in moving the figures as he pleased, had even pushed his father over the edge in the end. But he had found no pleasure in it._

_"We always reap what we have sown, Sansa", he had told her, "and vengeance is no fruitful path in that matter."_

_She had given him one of those looks that filled him with amazement, an open awe and understanding, respect for him and his words that he had always longed yet failed to find in anyone's eyes. And never would he have expected it to finally become reality in her, of all people._

_"Later...", he had gone on, "when Jaime offered me the Rock, I took it because it was mine by right. What I wanted was a home. A place where I feel loved", he had admitted. "And I thought that perhaps I would find it in the place I was born. But I was wrong."_  
 _He remembered how he had paused, swallowed, had gathered the words before he had managed to speak them aloud._ _"My home is with you."_

_She had looked at him in silence, just gave him the most subtle of smiles while his heart was beating furiously in his chest._

_"What about the Queen's warden of the West?", she had just asked then, and the calm warmth she radiated had put a smile on his own lips._

_"What's that as opposed to being the King in the North?"_

_He recalled in amusement how Sansa's eyes had widened, but he had just laughed out._   
_"I'm joking! ", he had assured her truthfully, "I know you're the ruler and you should stay so, you lead your people very well, Mylady. But I could be your adviser", he had suggested. "A sort of hand, perhaps. I've been quite good at that in the past."_

_"Undoubtedly." Her eyes had twinkled and his world was bright at once._   
_"Well, I suppose we can agree on that. Mylord husband."_

He looked at Sansa in the other corner of the room. It couldn't take long now before her belly would begin to round and the thought sent butterflies in his belly. She seemed to feel his gaze, for she turned her head to him, their eyes found each other's and she smiled. Never had he ever thought that something so beautiful could be meant for him. As impossible as it seemed, he had found the key that unlocked her, had brought her out of the walls of emotionlessness she had learned to build against the pain of the world. He had managed to accomplish an art of the most exquisite kind when something about him touched her soul a long time before he had dared to touch her skin. And she, she had given him the greatest gift in return, the acceptance it took to be truly free.

"Brienne." He remembered when this happiness had still seemed miles away for him, although it wasn't the first time he had seen this look in someone else's eyes.  
"I don't think I ever apologized to you, did I?" She looked puzzled, turning to him with a brow furrowed in surprise.

"Apologized?"

"For that night in Winterfell", he clarified and watched the understanding spreading over her face. It wasn't hard to guess what he meant, but she just shook her head.

"Don't", she said with a kind smile. "It shouldn't have hit me the way it did. It was neither secret nor surprise that I never walked among the beautiful." Her voice was soft, light-hearted, almost, and Tyrion discovered in amazement that it wasn't pretended. She seemed at peace with the fact, far more than he had ever truly been despite the facade of indifference he had been so skilled at wearing for so long. Being loved really did change things, didn't it.

"We've both never been one of them, it's true", he confirmed. "That's why I was surprised how little you knew how to hide your feelings. I thought you'd have learned not to wear your lovesickness on your face like that." She blushed a little at those words.

"Was it so obvious?"

"Rather, I'm afraid", Tyrion admitted. "For me. And everyone except him." He nodded in Jaime's direction and gave her what he hoped to be an empathetic smile. "I thought it was time he did, too, but I apologize for being far from subtle." Brienne lightly shrugged her shoulders.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess", she said and her smile widened when he chuckled. "I always wondered, though", she said then, more thoughtful. "I was sure he must have been able to read me like an open book." Tyrion couldn't help but smile at the innocence she had kept even during knighthood and marriage. He could see why his brother had been fascinated by her in the first place. The more he had gotten to know her over the years, he had to admit that the contradiction that was Brienne of Tarth could be quite intriguing. She had seen times of war and death, had killed without blinking an eye, and yet the sad truths of the social world sometimes seemed to pass her entirely.

"Maybe if you had just been eager to get him to your bed", Tyrion replied seriously. "He's familiar enough with **that** sort of look. But the way you looked at him?" He shook his head with a soft smile. "Like he's the sky and the dawn and the sun itself? How should he have noticed? He's never seen something alike directed his way." Brienne's eyes widened for a moment, she threw a glance at Jaime and even in her profile, Tyrion could see how her features began to display the kind of sad realisation that confirmed the undeniable truth behind his words. Just as undeniable as the compassion and love it testified.

"You know", he smiled when her eyes returned to his face, "I never thought I would ever actually enjoy having a sister. But now I do."

Her face lit up, and he could see why Jaime would think her beautiful.

"Time is a gift", he said, to her as much as to himself. "And all three of us have wasted enough of ours." He threw a glance at Sansa, feeling how his mouth automatically curled in a smile at her sight. "Because no matter what my father said, what makes our time important is not how many great deeds we do, or what we'll be remembered for. It's the people we choose to spend it with and who will remember us when our time is finally up."

_o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o_

"Uncle Pod is the only real knight though." Catelyn's confident declaration made the three gathered men smile to themselves.

"Well, thank you very much", her father said in pretended indignance, successfully hiding his amusement.

"You know what we mean, Daddy, you don't count", sweet Joanna tried to explain. "You're not **working** as a knight."

"Exactly. You're just our father", Cat said far less empathetically, causing Tyrion to snort in his wine.

"Your parents are still two of the best fighters I've ever seen", Podick gave to consider, attempting to smooth the conversation like it was his habit. "I wouldn't be a knight if it wasn't for your mother, after all."

"And she wouldn't be without me", Jaime couldn't help pointing out, achieving nothing but for Jo to sigh as Cat rolled her eyes.

"Yes, yes. We know...", she moaned theatrically. "You knighted her. We've heard that story a thooooousand times."

"And it's true", said Podrick, suppressing a smile. "I was there. And she knighted me in return. But I didn't mean just that. Everything I know I learned from your mother."

"Ha", Tyrion called out at that, taking a sip from his wine. "That put me in my place, thank you Podrick." The young man blushed slightly.

"I'm sorry, Mylord", he said quite shyly. "You know I only meant-"

"Oh, no", Tyrion interrupted him, waving dismissively with the hand that wasn't occupied with holding the almost-empty cup. "No need to apologize, Pod. I guess teaching you how to fill goblets and empty them really hasn't been the most useful skill for a knight", he granted, raising his drink to underline his words.

"But mercy and kindness were." Pod nodded at him, and Tyrion smiled.

"What did you do when Uncle Pod was your squire, Uncle Tyrion?"

"What did I do? That, my dear, is a very good question", he said to his nieces that were sitting on the floor to the men's feet. "You know, as I like to say, I drink and I know things." He winked down at Cat who grinned, then he thew a glace at his former squire again, a mischievous sparkle in his eyes. "And one thing I know is that your Uncle Podrick has a lot of special talents", Tyrion went on, leaning down to the girls and raising an eyebrow rather mysteriously. "Once, he saved my life in a battle", he told them, " And then before another, he was the only one with enough courage to sing a song as I asked for it." Podrick's eyes widened and he blushed again, but Tyrion was the only one who noticed, quite pleased with the reaction. Joanna's face had lit up at those words.

"You sing?", she asked Podrick with a voice full of hope and awe.

"Not very good", Pod tried to dismiss it, but Tyrion foiled his attempt.

"Don't be so modest", he said, quickly hiding his smirk in his goblet as Pod threw a reproachful glance at him.

"Would you sing it for us?", Cat asked, her eyes shining just as brightly as her sister's.

"Pleeeeeease?", they added in unison, smiling so sweetly that the most cold-hearted of men couldn't have refused them. Podrick sighed with a smile.

"Very well. If Myladies insist." The girls squealed in joy.

"Insist on what?", Brienne's voice came from a corner in the Hall where she had just entered, followed by Sansa and Arya, the former carrying Galladon - a picture that made a certain Lannister's heart flutter.

"Uncle Pod promised to sing us a song", Cat explained in hardly concealed excitement and Joanna nodded vigorously in confirmation. The corner of Brienne's mouth curled.

"Did he?", she said with a glance at Pod who shrugged his shoulders in the sort of embarrassed innocence that was so uniquely his.

They all settled around the fireplace, Galladon sitting in Sansa's lap and the twins right in front of Podrick's feet where they looked up at him with beaming faces as he began, a song so familiar, yet it had been years since they had last been sitting together like this as it was sung.

_High in the halls of the kings who are gone_   
_Jenny would dance with her ghosts_   
_The ones she had lost_   
_And the ones she had found_   
_And the ones who had loved her the most_

Brienne's thought wandered off as the melody vibrated within the walls, the sounds vanishing to fade away into nothingness while its meaning lingered over her like a veil of mist.

_The ones who'd been gone for so very long_   
_She couldn't remember their names_

So many people, so many had lost their lives in the times of war they all had gone through. It still pierced her heart, even though those years had been over such a long time ago. All those souls, swallowed in the sea of countless deaths. Men, women and children, people that had been dear to her, people whose lives she had ended herself, people whose names she didn't even know.

_They spun her around_   
_On the damp old stones_   
_Spun away all her sorrow and pain_

And yet, the memory of them still lingered, the sorrow eased by fond remembrance, even though never fully compensated.

_And she never wanted to leave_   
_Never wanted to leave_   
_Never wanted to leave_   
_Never wanted to leave..._

The life of those that had been lucky enough to live went on though, the time pacing forward mercilessly, and what had once been a loss almost too great to bear became a wound that healed, slowly but steadily, until it was no more than a scar - almost forgotten sometimes, only aching when the weather changed. Ruins of once proud and magnificent building turned to rubble until the moss had covered every last trace of its former glory.  
The unstoppable had something meaningless about it, but also a sense of relief. And in her case, fate had meant well.

_They danced through the day and into the night_   
_Through the snow that swept through the hall_   
_From winter to summer then winter again_   
_Till the walls did crumble and fall_

She used to think that time was a thief, robbing her of things and people she loved. But actually, it gave before it took, she had discovered. It was a gift, as Tyrion had said. Inconsistent, fugitive, and yet everlasting. There were days of happiness that seemed to be timeless. Then years that could go by in the blink of an eye, children grew older and yet, holding them in her arms as a baby felt like yesterday.

_And she never wanted to leave_   
_Never wanted to leave_   
_Never wanted to leave_   
_Never wanted to leave..._

Podrick's voice filled her ears and her heart, echoed from the walls like words right out of her soul.

_High in the halls of the kings who are gone_   
_Jenny would dance with her ghosts_

She looked around the room at the group of people gathered there.

_The ones she had lost_

Her eyes glided over Cat and Jo, smiling dreamily as they listened, her beautiful girls that had been named after two no less beautiful and fierce women. Gone, but their spirit living forth through those that had known them. The she-wolf and the lioness, totally different and yet somehow the same.

_And the ones she had found_

Behind them, Sansa, Arya, Tyrion. Strangers to her once, enemies then, turning to friends, and now family.

_And the ones who had loved her the most_

Finally, Jaime. Her lion, her knight, her heart, her soul.

He looked back at her, and mirrored in his eyes Brienne saw what her own heart was singing to her. Everything was perfect. She was at home. And she never wanted to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, as I like to quote my favourite actress: I hope I earned the privilege of your time.


End file.
